Surreal

As I sit here this evening it is still surreal to me that I interviewed today. It is just how I spent two hours of my day and then went about my business. Does anyone else feel that way?

Anyway, structured interviews. I have heard about them but have not lived them. I think there's pros and cons about it. The cons are probably the very thing that they are intended to prevent.

A structured interview is basically a set of questions that all applicants receive and are directly linked to the job you are applying to. The interviewer asks the questions, you respond, and they move on. In this case, they also asked no follow on questions. The pro is that it's fair and it has a predefined criteria for what a good response should include. The con is that while I can do that, I find that much of my success in interviews is in building rapport and potentially getting them off topic.

So. We'll see. They said to expect to wait about 2 weeks to hear things while they finish interviewing and send recommendations up to the powers that be about who they want to hire.

Man is my current boss going to be pissed. Mean coworker and I are the only ones who do a major component of the job. A high visibility project. With Meany gone, my giving notice would not go over well.

I feel guilty in advance. But I figure, this whole application process was set into motion based on Boss' behavior. Unfortunately, self-insight isn't a strong point so I fully expect that my leaving will be seen as unprofessionalism when in fact it is getting out from under a really bad situation at a time that is not convenient to others.

The sun will come out...

...tomorrow. When I interview. Again. And, I'm days away from what I think will be another invitation for another interview at a new company.

I guess I should not complain about the effort of interviewing when I just recently got done complaining about all the applying.

In other news, mean team member is in fact changing teams. Effective today. There's some amusing drama around it but suffice it to say Boss is back to liking me. While I'm not a fan of Boss' drastic flip flopping based on where the wind blows, I do like not being on the shit list.

It's a start

I got an interview.

Not my favorite place or my favorite of positions...but it's a start.

Next week.

Sometimes you reach the end of your rope

Sometimes when you reach the end of your rope, like yesterday, someone reaches out and makes things a little better or a lot better depending on perspective. I know I can't always count on this type of thing but today:

1. Someone higher in the organization made sure I attended a meeting my super had uninvited me to - because the leader thought I added value. In fact, after the meeting, I was thanked for attending.
2. Mean coworker might be transferring to another team. It is up in the air, but I'm strongly supporting the move. 
3. I sense from some body language and resistance to speaking about the topic, that one person on my team who is notorious not only for not doing the job but also getting us into trouble for the work that falls under the person - may be fired. It's unusual to get fired in this industry so I have to admit - this is kinda a big deal that it's even being insinuated to be happening. 

Oh, and PC invited me into the city tonight after work to explore and have dinner.

I think new moms and married people call that 'date night'.

We call it Tuesday.

It's getting old

It's getting very old. This applying to new jobs. I've easily applied to another 5 positions since last I wrote here.

I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of revising resumes and cover letters. I'm tired of getting my hopes up that THIS one will get through. One I applied to last week was perfect. Good job, good location, good pay, and perfectly amazing company in which I'd likely spend most of my salary on their products. Today though, I looked for the job announcement in a few places...and they all seem to be pulled down...suggesting they hired someone. I was rationalizing that perhaps they were just tired of paying the fees to have their jobs posted, but I don't think that's the case.


I saw one that just opened up in the last few days. It's known (I think) for quality work.Amusingly, it's also the company that Rock Star works for.

But, it means another evening of revising. This position more broad than what I'd been applying to recently. Actually, now that I think of it it's broad like my current position is - which is the part I like about it.

(refusing to get my hopes up)

The job I interview for and was pretty sure I got...well we're several weeks out now. I've followed up a couple times and got responses about a week later on both. They say there's one more candidate they are waiting for before they make a decision.

Perhaps.

But, I'm beginning to think I don't want to work for a company that treats their job candidates like this. I like to relate work and dating - and you know you can't have much to hope for a new 'relationship' is a little wonky even in the courting - honeymoon phase. I don't have to tell you how it's going to turn out in the end.

As far as this constant applying. I think I've worked myself into a depression.

No, let me revise that statement.

My work situation is so bad at this point that I pray on a daily basis that I will get a call. Every day I experience the new common feeling of my chest tightening in anger at something new that has happened. My inability to get out of this situation or make it good in anyway is depressing me.

The research suggests that when a person takes active control of their situation it reduces the stress of the situation. I thought that sending out a couple of applications a week would do it. And, it did for a while. But now, as the wait continues to get that first call, I find myself feeling helpless to get out of my situation. Yes, I'm doing something...but once that something is out of my hands, I lose control as the resume goes out into the ether.  I try to remind myself that four of the jobs I applied to are notoriously long in responding to applicants - if at all. But, I'm finding even that frustratingly depressing because it means it may be months before I hear anything, plus time to negotiate, and then the on-boarding that (I kid you not) will take easily a month.

So you see. I'm potentially looking at being right where I am work wise in the new year.

I'm beginning to think of all these dramatic gestures I could make at work. Going to the boss-boss who seems to like me to see if they will move me. Or, going to the boss-boss-boss who I've actually worked with quite a bit up until recently. I want to believe that they will have the power to change things. More likely, however, it will further tarnish my relationship with my boss with little additional benefit to me.

So I made another therapist appointment. I don't know if my drugs aren't working anymore, but this (whatever this is) isn't working either.  Unfortunately, it's four long weeks out. 

Good and bad and good and bad

Good:
Just had three pairs of pants taken in about 2 inches. It had gotten ridiculous that my pants were all but falling off with the weight I've lost. There are worse problems I suppose.

Bad:
I don't have any clothes that really fit for our upcoming vacation this week.

Good:
I had an interview last week that would get me out of the hell I call a job.

Bad:
I haven't heard from them a week later, and yes, I sent them a thank you note the day after the interview. I've never not gotten a job I applied to and I'm beginning to get worried.

Good:
I've developed some 'friendships' at work based primarily on happy hour.

Bad:
I seem to have developed my arch-nemesis at work which is getting more and more out of hand. I've heard boss has said that I'm beating up on this person. I finally found the nerve to go talk to my boss about it. He alleges he 'considers the source' and thinks I'm a great performer. This isn't the first time he's lied to my face. Oh, and she told on me and my 'happy hour' crew to my boss who then took it out on someone in the office that didn't even go to happy hour with us.

Good:
I got a conference proposal submitted this week. I included boss and boss' boss on the authorship to build some political points.

Bad:
In the course of one conversation boss told me if it wasn't a blind review he'd be embarrassed to have it submitted with our name and affiliation on it and would in fact not allow me to submit it and this was the first time he'd ever seem me fall down on the job BUT that it was a really good paper, very well written for it being written in only two days (by myself). I've easily had 10 papers submitted at this conference over the years - boss? Maybe one? 

Good:
There's a couple of job openings I can apply to this weekend (though it will likely take months to hear back)

Bad:
Got confirmation last night my current boss didn't want to hire me last year. I'd come to this hypothesis based on a couple factors. The largest one is that he chose a crappy candidate over the amazing candidate because he was worried the better one would leave. The crappy one is who I competed against last year. When we got the opportunity to hire another person, he actually strongly resisted calling the amazing one. I will forever wonder if a job I didn't hear back about was actually because I was too good for the job (and I don't mean in the unqualified kind of way).

Decision isn't a decision until there's an option

Last week I interviewed for the second time with this particular company - this time in person. It was a long day of meeting someone new in the company every half hour or so. I started off the day with an activity I'd do on the job - a case study so to speak. Mid-day I had lunch with someone I'd supervise. And I concluded the day with the CEO. Somehow that last interview went from a scheduled hour to several hours. I attribute this extension more to his liking to talk than to me per se. Overall, I'd say I got along with about 50% of the people I spoke to - the other 50% were awkward (I'm not sure if that's my fault or theirs). It's a relatively small company so I'd say I met around half of everyone there.

I fully expect an offer.

I think the job would be interesting. It would be back to a lot of analysis and a heavy emphasis on publishing - which I haven't been doing much of lately.

Here's the weird thing about it. I'm hesitant about the job because I keep thinking - I hate analysis. I hate writing. Yet, in every job outside of my graduate work I've looked for opportunities to gather data and publish. So, it's hard to say I actually hate it. Furthermore because my coworkers at my current job have integrated 'data' into my nickname.

I enjoyed the experience of interviewing (I almost always do). I like the location it's in - lots of shopping, cute places to eat, trendy - though the location is kind of a pain from a commuting perspective. I like the topic area of the company. I believe them when they say they are growing rapidly and well positioned when this particular niche becomes even more prominent.

And I keep thinking "I just cannot stay where I am" so this HAS to be better.

Today I came to the realization that perhaps I'm so so because I'm positioning it as either-or in my head. I wonder if I had other options if this would make this position more or less attractive. That said, I don't really know how to look for jobs other than those on my professional society website. Monster etc are completely useless in my experience. I can't mention it on linkedin because current coworkers are linked to me. I've gone to the websites of some of the places I know hire my type of skills but there's nothing that jumps out.

I guess the decision isn't a decision until an option presents itself to make a decision about.

Or something.

How'd we get here?

I'm trying to be excited about my second interview with a company. I don't know why I'm so...eh about it. Meanwhile, things at my current job have deteriorated to the point my boss no longer makes eye contact with me. Mean coworker continues to tell boss that I'm mean to her and boss has bought it hook-line-and-sinker. In fact, boss has begun dismissing my work - in fact my work was literally redone last week by mean coworker because it was 'all wrong'. Boss has even begun telling others that I need to be a team player.

I'm not sure how we got here, but I sure as hell don't know how to make it better without starting over somewhere new. In all of my experiences and all of my knowledge of organizational dynamics...I have zero recommendations for someone if they came to me with this same story.

I am sad that my dream job has come to this.

But, it's why I need to dig deep to be excited about this interview this week. I have to hope for a good offer that will make my leaving my current job and it's benefits not idiotic.

I don't know if my 'eh' is a warning sign (we see where excitement over dream job got me) or if it's a sign that I'm finally getting over hoping that work will be everything I thought it was supposed to be.

Dare

Earthquake, hurricane, and the tornadoes no one has mentioned stemming from said hurricane...I think we've about got all the major natural disasters taken care of in less than 7 days.

I dare mother nature to throw in a blizzard this week.

Facing mortality

It's not often I really consider 'this could be the end' outside of being on airplanes. That is until I was racing down 12 flights of stairs, barefoot, in the hopes that my building wasn't going to crash down around me before I could get out.

There's a lot of joking about the over reaction to the earthquakes today. And yes, in the grand scheme of things it wasn't so bad. But in the course of living it...you don't know that.

When the rumbles first started, I assumed it was construction on the floor above me. As the rumbling continued and became more pronounced, I thought bomb.

In Dream State, bombs are a very real possibility. In fact, since I've been here I've had my building evacuated to clear for a bomb across the street. That too was a day I considered what would happen if I didn't get home.

But as the rumbling continued and the shaking became more pronounced - I stepped into the hall way, making eye contact with someone who works across from me, both of us wondering if we were feeling what we were feeling. As our eyes met we both decided we were getting the hell out of there.

Grabbing purses and removing heels, we raced down the flights. At the 6th floor, I couldn't believe we were only at 6. As we continued down, my legs started getting weak just from the fast pace and heavy impact of being barefoot.

Outside, we saw all the buildings around us had also evacuated. I suppose it gave me some solace I wasn't over reacting.

But, with after shocks a very real possibility - who knows what to do next? I certainly had no plan to be on the 12 floor. I also realized there was no way I was metro-ing home. Um, I've been to Universal Studios on the Earthquake ride. I know how that plays out. With a city of people evacuating, I wasn't going to bother looking for a cab. Too far to walk home (never mind my apartment building also evacuated and were not allowing residents to enter - so there was no point in trying to get home).

Add to this heat...and ugh. So I did the next best thing. I walked to a restaurant, had a few drinks and some happy hour apps, and headed home a good 5 hours later.

Walking back to my apartment I noticed other buildings with signs stating "Enter at own risk".

All of this made me consider the possibility I could die much earlier than in my twilight years. It could be tomorrow as easily as it could be 40 years from tomorrow. I was reminded today, I need to update my beneficiary to PC. Having share debt, even if only an apartment and utilities, I know neither of us could afford to continue here if one of us was no longer here. Previously, I'd had my sister as my beneficiary. At the time it made sense. I liked thinking it might be a windfall for her where ever she was in life. But today, I realized I have a sense of responsibility for the good of my partner and the life we've chosen to lead.

Not a team player

Perhaps I'm unable to get along with people. It's got to be me because I'm already upset and feeling passive aggressively towards my certificate class project team.

Here's the back story:

1. A communication plan was created as well as a shared document identifying everyone's tasks for the week.
2. Had a conference call to discuss work to be accomplished mid-week as it's due on Sunday nights.
3. Silence until today - even though I turned my part in on the day we had the conference call.
4. One team member has clearly not read or understood the assignment of tasks as she did all the work I had not done. Other team member checked in to say he was only turning his part in (um, ok. That's kinda what you're supposed to do).
5. Team member who's done the remaining work now wants feedback on Sunday evening.
6. I kind of don't want to since the agreement on the communication plan explicitly said all material had to be submitted no later than Saturday afternoon.

I realize life happens. I realize my choice to do my part early was exactly that - my choice. I also realize that doing things early is not my style so I can appreciate the last-minute-ness of it all. However, a similar thing happened last week so I pulled things together quickly and got it all turned in.

Here's my thoughts: when you're working with people on drastically different time zones...pull your shit together so I'm not up till the middle of the night.

Debating what to do. Grand scheme of things - I'm not going to get a letter grade for this and if they don't care to get their shit done...I'm not picking up the slack again this week.

Fizz away!

First batch is made. Now waiting for them to dry fully to see if they hold together or not. I have to say, overall, it's a pretty easy little hobby.

It may also be kind of addictive - I'm already thinking about all the things I could add to the basic recipe to make them more unique. These were the basic recipe with just a little color added to the spritzing water and two of them have eucalyptus scent added. I've also gotten two types of salt to add (epsom and sea), clay, aloe butter, and something to make them bubble.

In other news

I've been taking an online course for the past week and a half as preparation for a certificate I want.

Yes, I know. Another three letters behind your name?

Anyway, it's a certificate I've been thinking about for some time - mostly because I actually really want to know the skills associated with the certificate.

All in all it's going pretty well. Though I did have a mini melt down about it not being fair and everyone knowing more that I do. Luckily, PC is taking a similar but different class online for the same certificate...so he got me off that cliff.

Tonight, however, was probably the most fascinating part so far. I had a conference call with my partners on my class project. One was in Canada. The other in Hawaii.

How weird is that?

More weird is that when I was talking to them at 8pm my time...it was only 2pm Hawaii time! I get the concept of time zones, but it still fascinates me.

What to do, what to do.

Hypothetically speaking, what would you do if you were asked to provide a list of references for a job opportunity that you know has not been checked yet. And, let's say that hypothetically, you're moving to the second stage (i.e., in person interview) and since you provided your initial list of references about a month ago you discovered the current-coworker reference is actually a snake. And, since discovering that said coworker is a snake, you've been working to protect your...um...ankles? But, that in attempting to protect yourself by cutting the grass and making it more obvious that the snake is a snake, said snake has become enraged and become even more snakey? As in, to the point that the snake is regularly bad-mouthing me to my boss and would likely enjoy nothing more than to make sure I don't get the new job (of course, the flip side is that if I don't get the job I will continue to work with her and as of yesterday I am now the Team Lead of Snakeville).

Do you:
1) Make nice with the snake in hope that she will still say nice things should the company call between now and two weeks from now

2) Hope that since the company has not called references so far that they will not now

3) Contact interviewing organization and request to change your reference (and if so, for what reason?)

4) Some other option I have not considered?


Hypothetically, of course.

CEO or bust!

A friend of mine told me her 43 year old CEO is getting a base salary of $800,000 with bonuses in the low millions.

I want to be a CEO.

The logical choice

Sometimes life doesn't have logic.

Imagine you have two candidates for a position.
One is a rock star on paper. Degree is from a good program, good publication record, good past work experiences, and interviews well. The other candidate is ho-hum on paper. Not an amazing program, not an amazing record, but can probably get the job done.

Now, in fantasy-world (apparently) the choice is clear.

Additional factors is that there is little opportunity for advancement, the work itself isn't super challenging or very much of it, and turnover is a concern because if there's a vacancy it may not be refilled.

Ok, so now who would you choose? Same choice?

Apparently, tis better to go with the average candidate who won't expect much, won't be as attractive to competing organizations, and more likely to stay.

I just have to shake my head.

I feel bad for the rock star who interviewed, probably went home thinking it was a hole-in-one, and will never understand why the position wasn't won. That said, the rock star probably has a chance for many other positions so...there's always plan B.

Potential addiction

For better or worse, I'm one of those people that just doesn't understand the need to buy labels. If I like the clothes, purse, shoes, etc and it happens to be a name, awesome. More often than not though, I seldom buy labels because I seldom walk into a 'lable' store.

Funny enough, I think this avoidance of labels came with my inability to afford labels when I was younger. I'm a reasonable person so I'd rather have two pairs of jeans than one super amazing brand name. It doesn't help I don't usually know the brand name and even when I do it is inevitable that I buy the 'uncool' version of whatever it is. Now, even though I can theoretically afford nicer things I feel like I am too far behind in learning about labels to be able to ask and I'm too lazy to do the research on my own.

Of course, not being a label person I hardly think the time spent researching something like labels is worth it.

That said, I've moved into a place where labels matter. Or perhaps I've become more aware of the labels. Either way, I often feel inadequate. Isn't it funny how that happens? I'm a valuable person, I do good work, I'm fun, I'm recently thin. Yet somehow...

That said, I decided to be on the market for a new bag to carry to/from work everyday. When I first moved here, the girls from my old job chipped in and bought me a big bag. It's nice looking, goes with most everything, and was a life saver because I don't know that I ever would have successfully bought a bag like it because I am fundamentally against the big bags. In a sense it was a functionally required entry drug.

I think they are called hobo bags. But what do I know?

Anyway, I've used the bag daily now for nearly a year and it's growing a bit worn around the edges. I've also found myself increasingly covetous of others' bags as I go to and from work. I decided this weekend I was going to get a new bag and it was going to be a name of some sort.

First challenge, I don't even know what names are high end. I mean, I remember Guess and Nine West being expensive when I was a  kid...but I don't know if that means they are expensive in adult terms or where they stand in terms of what the cool kids wear these days.

I've agonized, I've nearly fallen over when I find interesting bags and they turn out to be upwards of $400, I've searched. I drug PC to the stores today to help because he's all about me having nice things (I imagine it's easier to want someone to have nice things when the other person is paying for it themselves). Together we looked at a million bags. Or, 50. Whatever.

Finally, one caught my eye. It needed to be a label, it needed to fit my shoes and lunch (I bought a shoe bag - yet another thing I never knew I'd need), my small umbrella, and various other important purse things. Unfortunately the bag that caught my eye not only might not fit all those things comfortably - I was frankly worried that no one would know that the bag was a label. I figure if I'm going to spend that much money...someone better freaking know.

And then I found it. It met all the criteria. I bought my first Coach.

Thankfully I bought it for less (from the actual Coach store) and in black. The black version as a really neat hot pink sateen inside. And, today I learned that bags like Coach come with bags in which you 'store them while you aren't using them.'

Weird because my purse usually lives on the floor by the door.

So guess what happened on my way home with my newly purchased Coach. No, it was not stolen and no nothing was spilled on it - but thanks for wishing that on me.

I realized that my everyday going-out purses were now inadequate. I mean how ridiculous is it that I carry such a nice bag to and from work everyday...but I can't spring for a nice going out purse?

Oy vey. I sense I may have an addiction forming.

In search of a hobby

I have a problem that you're probably going to roll your eyes at. I have zero hobbies. I've spent so much of my adult life in school in which school was my 'hobby' that I never developed a hobby.*

Unless, of course, you consider drinking and being analytical a hobby.

I've tried this bit about being a mixologist. While fun, the problem is that it's difficult to have every liquor and ingredient a given recipe calls for...and I often lose interest once I realize it calls for a trip to a store. Furthermore, I find that I have zero knack for making up drinks. Usually when I throw a couple things together...it's disgusting.  PC on the other hand does this and has amazing drinks we have a hard time replicating because it's a dash of this and that. On top of all these barriers, it's hard to practice too terribly much because you end up drunk.

I suppose this is the partial goal...but it's a real bitch to perfect the skill after a few rounds in.

PC thinking cooking is my hobby. I suppose. I do really like to cook. He's commented that he doesn't think we've ever had the same meal in all the years we've dated. In many accounts this is probably true. Even something as simple as a hamburger is likely to get some new additions each time we make them. Because I like food, I can generally add things here and there that just make sense to me...and taste pretty good on the completed side.

Mind you, I don't make fancy stuff for the most part...mostly because I really hate working from recipes entirely. I also don't bake much because I think that's more of a science...chemical reactions make things fluff up, not fluff up, etc.

That said, I don't think of cooking as a hobby because it's mostly just me and PC that eat it...and it's usually a meal of some sort...which makes it a relatively fun chore.

This chore concern came to a head last week when on our group walk the topic of hobbies came up. And I had nothing.

As a good researcher, I immediately came home and researched hobby options.

I hate games (chess, cards, computer games), I don't have the room for collecting (nor am I fascinated enough with anything to collect anything), and I have no yard (gardening could be an option though beyond planting and picking, I don't know that I'd like getting into the science of fertilizer).  And, as I mentioned I don't see cooking as a hobby.

So what to hob?

PC came up with the idea of bath bombs. It's a nice combination of 'cooking' with an outcome that could be kind of cool and won't make us fat or drunk.

From my research so far, I might be a little behind on this hobby since almost all the blogs I've found on the topic are from about several years back (see here, here, here). Alas. I've gotten my baking soda and received my order of citric acid...now I'm just waiting for my molds to arrive and I'll be ready to play at my new hobby. I've also ordered a couple books (one is admittedly on making popsicles, another 'hobby' that PC requested) to learn how to make bath bombs as well as other natural bath products.

If you know me in RL, don't be surprised if you get some of these for random holidays. :)

I should note that as a result of my searches for my new 'hobby' I discovered homemade dry dog shampoo recipes. Since our pup has been rather stinky and I don't have the energy to take her to be bathed and groomed...I tried it out. Freaking amazing. No dog smell. Natural so I don't worry if she decides to eat the left overs off the floor (how desperate must one be to lick the carpet to get at baking soda, salt, and corn starch?). And, I happened to have all the ingredients without a trip to the store (an important component of my not losing interest).

Um, and it worked pretty well on the cat as well.

*And apparently because I have no plan for kids, I have an exorbinant amount of time on my hands that others find annoying.

That's unfortunate

The search for friends continue. We went out this weekend to a group movie (but ended up being late so had to sit by ourselves). Then, as a spur of the moment decision followed the movie with going on a group walk through a historic part of the town we were in.

I don't want to say these people are boring...but really, I would be ok to not hang out with them again.

That said, I recognized a guy I had met on a group walk when I first arrived to Dream State. Also known as the time before PC had moved here. I recall we'd had a good conversation and introduced PC to him. At the end of the walk, the group was planning to go for dinner but the other guy recommended we bail and go for drinks.

Phew. A way better option.

All in all, good night. Irish bar. Lots of cider and beer. Live music. Good conversation.

Eventually we headed out, with me thinking we were all walking back to public transportation (other guys lives a significant distance away). However, he said he was going to wander around and see what else there was to see.

I interpret this as code for - I'm bailing on you guys too.

I said to PC as we walked back to the public transportation that I thought it was an awfully far way for a single guy to go out to pick up women.

PC responded "Well, he had really thought he was picking you up. He didn't figure out we were together until we all left the group that was going to dinner."

Huh. That's too bad. Another friend-potential down.

Who knew coupledom was going to be a friend-liability?

Shoulda gotten over this by now

You would have thought I would have gotten over it in grad school. The constant competition, the need to outshine others. You know, the whole idea that grad school pretty much skimmed the top of the best so sometimes you were humbled by no longer being the best among the best.

In general, this competition served me well. It motivated me to come up with new ways to be better and produce more. Simultaneously, the inability to let the competition go would sometimes plunge me into the depths of self-loathing that I couldn't 'beat' the other person/persons.

That said, competing among the best and coming out towards the top of the heap has led to me having a generally unencumbered work life. Admittedly, when I was consluting I often felt out of my league mostly because it wasn't what we were trained to do in grad school.There were many days I'd come home and dissolve into tears that I wasn't the best in the office.*

When I was ousted from that position by the economy (read: laid off) I took a position in an area that wasn't really known for excellence. This was a double edged sword in the sense that by showing up, staying awake during meetings, and having an insightful comment on occasion I pretty much exceeded expectation. Often, I'd get performance awards - and PC would say, "I thought you said you didn't do anything all day." I'd shrug and respond, "I really don't." The other edge of this, however, is that I was bored to tears. If I got work to do, I worked alone for the most part.

In my new position, it's a new type of work but the same below-mediocre expectations. In only three months of being there I was promoted and given the largest performance bonus available. Mind you, I love what I was doing so I kept very busy often writing extra reports and doing extra analysis for fun. Other than my boss, I was the only one with a PhD and our background. In a sense, I not only did not have to compete, I set the expectation.

In steps someone who is bright and an over-achiever as well, who was to support my work. It's been a pleasure to work with her. Though she has a bachelors in an unrelated field, she catches on quickly. It's nice to see someone that has a work ethic and believes in going above expectations.**

We'll call her Star.


All was good until last week. I suppose it had been building for several weeks. My boss and I had a philosophical difference of opinion on work I was performing. Because it was a project he didn't want to provide much input into up to that point I felt I had a 'blank check' to do the project as I wanted so long as it ended up with good reviews. Which it did. I was angry that boss thought changes should be made not based on science or theory but rather personal preferences. Due to my boss and my strong difference and the refusal of either parties side to come to the table, Boss began to speak only to Star. Through Star, boss was able to communicate new tasks to me and Star was often put in the position of defending my position which we both shared about the project. Add to that that Boss and I managed to adjust our telecommuting days to the point where we seldom saw each other face to face for the last few weeks.

Pushed to my mental limit, I took two days off last week. I checked in with Star before deciding to call in to make sure she had other things to work on because I didn't want her to be burdened by the tasks I wouldn't be completing during my 'sick' leave. She assured me she had plenty to do. I told her to push my tasks off if boss asked and let me take the heat if there was something that wasn't done.

I return after being out two days to find she is now writing two white papers, setting the timeline for the rest of 'our' project, and generally finding other things to get done that boss had not yet even thought of to task.

Two days.

I have had nothing but hate in my heart since I have returned. I hate that I seem to be replaced. I hate that she seems to have stepped up while I was out to take the lead. I hate that boss doesn't see this or doesn't care. I hate that she no longer clears things through me but rather cc's me on products.

My response has been icy silence. I've also begun pouting by not doing anything and being a critical reviewer of anything she does produce. Still, she continues to produce faster than I can because I'm often not looped in that something is needed or have the context with which to complete the task. For instance, I submitted 5-6 lines of notes from a meeting we had and she submitted a 5-pager on the meeting, schedule, and ratings including some other tables. The best response I had was to task her with integrating my 5 notes into her document (which I think she intentionally did not include just to be snotty in return).

You'd think I'd have learned to handle this better. I'm used to backstabbing and ladder climbing - I just didn't think we were on the same ladder or that she was even interested in my ladder. And, I certainly didn't think she'd be able to come toe to toe in my field. It came as complete surprise and I'm not really sure how to recover. I keep thinking, "You aren't really the leader if you have to tell someone you're the leader."

Cognitively, it tells me that you probably don't need a PhD to do what I do. And the knowledge of this has sent me into a tail-spin of depression and anger and bitterness. This can't end well.

*While not the best, I understand that someone else picked up my client when my company resurfaced and the client asked that that conslut not show up to their offices again.

**Hell, I would have been grateful for someone that even met expectations.

Starved

While the WW diet pretty much allows anything (within reason), I'm starving. Unfortunately (perhaps fortunately for WW) it's not WW's fault.

You see, despite being starved I have zero interest in eating anything I have in the house. And, when I think "Well, what outside of the house would you like to eat?" I have no answer.I'm constantly a little nauseous. I assume because of the work situation. And, while I am all about alternative diet opportunities...I really am hungry.

The protocol has been: Hungry. Go look in fridge. See nothing. Find smell of fridge a little gross. Return to couch. Become hungrier. Return to fridge. Settle with cheese stick. Still hungry. Repeat. Try popsicle with some luck.

I managed some lean cuisine macaroni and cheese for lunch yesterday. PC took me for burgers last night.

Not sure what's going on.

In the meantime, doing ok on weight loss if only because I'm not eating. Know this is a horrible approach and going to completely backfire when nausea no longer works.

Step 2

In less than 24 hours of el resume being submitted, I had a phone interview request. I was admittedly floored.

I am just not used to companies moving that quickly. Plus, I hadn't fully gotten used to the idea that I was really on the job market. I mean yes, I'm really angry about my current job, but a new job is always scary. Plus, there's all these other implications that I had not fully thought through.

Excited and flattered and wary (are they desperate and that's why they reached out so fast?) I scheduled the interview. I studied like a crazy person everything I could on the company, their tools, their employees, anything that had been written by my interviewer. Linkedin by the way, is an amazing stalking tool. I also emailed several others that work on the academic side of what this company does to see if they had heard anything about them. I got very positive responses about the quality of work they put out.

Interview one was an hour-long phone call. References were requested, and once they have time to contact them, we will schedule an in-office interview.

Here's the thing. It's a huge shift in the kind of work I have been doing. It's also going back into research with publication requirements. Although I do play with and instigate a lot of data collection at my current position and am addicted to publishing...it's kind of scary. It's also a big title, which is also surprisingly scary. I've wanted the big title forever, and now that I might get it...I'm a little nervous. The other thing is, what I love about my job now is the face-to-face part. I don't know if there's going to be a lot of that in this. Oh, and my favorite piece of information from the interview - I'd be high enough in the organization to be a part of the strategy development.

How freaking cool is that!?!

Despite all this, I've been having all these mixed feelings about leaving. I like job in theory. If I could transfer it into a new company with a new boss...it would still be my dream job. The new job, however, would be a significant career move.

Thankfully, my boss continues to behave like an imbecile* so it's making my decision way less hard. I just hope that in my anger and determination of getting out of the current situation that I'm not jumping too fast without scoping out the rest of the field.

I've gathered my references...and here goes step 2.

*Most recently, I made a professional judgement about a project that I am running. Boss has been countering this judgement based on personal preferences in blatant disregard for the professional reasons for my decision. Instead of coming to me to discuss - boss's been meeting with others on my team (who do not have similar backgrounds so have no professional basis for their decision) when I'm not available in an effort to gain support. I have also found out that boss's gone two steps up in our organization (again while I was out of the office and unable to explain my rationale) to gain support for boss's position. These people, while higher in the organization, do not have the background in what the project is about. Thankfully, they sided with me sort of. So boss is maybe, possibly, perhaps, conceding. Not because I am right and/or the expert but because at least when there are complaints about the decision it can be blamed on the higher up.

All I can say is: Man the fuck up and be the expert PhD that you claim to be and take the heat for your decisions that are made based on science whether others like it or not. And stop being the sissy who can't speak to me directly and is trying every other way to get support for their own position. I almost suggested boss should go ask the guy on the corner who sells flowers if he agrees with boss - because it's about as relevant.

Step 1

Let's start off with some pleasantries. Happy 4th of July! Usually this holiday is spent having friends over, bbqing, and setting off ridiculous amounts of fireworks (for the purposes of scaring off birds of course). Sadly, this year we don't really have any friends yet. The good news, however, is that our building has probably the best roof top view of easily 3 large fireworks locations. Rather than fight the crowds, we're going to head up 8 floors on our elevator and watch from the comfort of our home. Though both good and bad - our building has limited access to only 2 persons per apartment so it should be extra pleasant. The bad part of it is that this limitation is the primary reason we didn't have our 'aquantances' over.

Well, that and PC somehow got sucked into working today. Only 1 of 2 of 150 person organization working today on something that probably won't go anywhere and even if it does he won't play a major role.

How is it that we both get the shaft at work?

Speaking of...I did something for me today. Actually, today's accomplishment has been the product of 3 days of concentration and revisions. Today, I took step 1. I submitted my CV and cover letter to a new position.

The way I see it, whether I get the call, the interview, or job or not, I am actively participating in what I hope will be a resolution to my work situation. And that active participation is step 1 to remaining happy with myself and being my own advocate. Work may continue to suck (I'm debating whether to provide some feedback to boss to reduce some suckage - not admitting I have taken step 1 to leave) but as long as I can retain hope - it will be livable.

And, if that wasn't enough 'taking care of me' for the day - I bought myself some high-end quality jeans for my now 12 pound weight loss and for my dedication to revising a resume into a CV (no easy task)*. Today, and today only (I think) Lucky Jeans have huge discounts.

*To this point, I've only used a resume and put in 'selected' publications and presentations that I felt matched the job. This was partially to be targeted, but mostly laziness. But, since this job specifies a CV and specifies that publications/presentations are a part of the job (I translate this into more of a record of pubs and presentations the better), I bit the bullet and looked for all my pubs and conference papers.

I ended up with a two page reference list.

I have to admit, as a non-academic I impressed myself.

This wasn't supposed to happen

This week I got to do my very favorite part of my job! It's been almost 6 months of preparation to get to this week. Grueling preparation made better by knowing how much fun this part would be.

Unfortunately, I have never seen a boss behave more unprofessionally, disrespectfully, and without integrity. Combined and directed at me, I have never felt the absolute rage I felt this week.

I'm sad my favorite part of my job was kinda ruined.

I've also decided I cannot stay with the organization any longer. I can handle bad situations a lot better when I can actively try to change or remove myself from the situation. I've been trying to wait out a vesting period so I could maintain my matching retirement funds...so I've felt very stuck and stricken at the thought of facing the gap until then.

In an odd coincidence of luck, a position just came available last week in Dream State that seems like it was written for me.* It is literally almost exactly my dissertation study but as a job.**

And, it has a good title: Director.

I'm sort of hoping that the application, interview, onboarding time (assuming I got it) would take me through the rest of the vesting period at current job. It would make me feel better waiting if I knew I had another door waiting for me.


*Of course, I thought the current job was written for me as well. But then, it's not the job I hate...it's the boss.
**I must have blocked out the hell of the dissertation process to be kind of excited to do it as a living.

Keep your laws off my penis

Dream State is one where protesting seems a way of life. Or let's say if you were a protester of something, you'd likely end up here.

In my prior state, I can't say I recall ever seeing a protest.

Wait, I take that back. I remember one that occurred just as I was moving to my first grad school city. Unlike the ghost town mentioned in the article, however, I remember driving into the foreign city and seeing Cubans lining the streets waving Cuban flags, yelling, jeering...you name it.

It was a super awesome welcome. I nearly returned home.

Anyway. So here, it is pretty normal. I've seen people out in front of what I can only assume was a Planned Parenthood location praying and offering literature. I've also seen people protesting circumcision*. The theme in all of these protests is that they consist of a group of people who come together about a topic and I assume attempt to educate the public or at least draw attention to their issue.There's probably a social component to the decision to belong to the group and go out on a protest.

What I don't understand are individual protesters. Just a single guy with a sign around his neck yelling out whatever his slogan is for his issue. I suppose this could include the staple religious fanatic you find at probably every college in the country...but still this is a bit different. The religious zealot has a pattern wherein he or she arrives on campus say, every Wednesday and yells out Bible verses. What I'm talking about is the random seemingly ordinary person who shows up on a busy corner one day and yells. The next day he's gone, never to be seen again.

But here's what I'm wondering the most. What goes through the guy's head before he shows up on the corner? Is it a spur of the moment decision? You're just so worked up about the issue that you grab some card board, write a message, and yell? Or is it planned? You have Thursday's off so you're thinking you might head up to the corner of Main and Central around maybe 4:30. Then hang out till rush hour foot traffic dies down around 7 and then head back to watch some Bones. In which case, what if something comes up? Do you postpone your protest until Friday or the following Thursday or do you kind of lose interest and take up being a sports team groupy? What does this individual get out of his single protest? And, does he believe he really made a difference?

Today's random was yelling about: Obama-fraud, medicare-fraud, Obama-fraud, mortgage-fraud, Obama-fraud.

I think I get his point (regardless of whether I agree or not) but don't you think you'd come up with a better chant that specifies your concern as opposed to making your 'audience' guess what exactly you're protesting? I mean is the guy not wanting us to vote for Obama again, blaming Obama for the economy, saying Obama is a fraud...or something else?

I'm no protester, but I'm thinking you'd want to reduce the cognitive effort required by your 'audience' so they can agree with you more easily.

*It's got to be awkward calling in the banner order to kinkos and asking it to say in 4 foot lettering "Keep your laws off my penis!" I'm just saying.

I bet you thought this posting was going to be about my opinion about circumcision, didn't you? I hope you weren't too disappointed by the time you got this far into the post.

What would it hurt?

I don't understand why a supervisor would tell you that there is no point in doing a particular task that is an inherent part of doing our job well. It has happened twice in the past month.

Ok, I understand from the perspective that our field isn't well appreciated in our workplace so perhaps the results of the task would not be fully appreciated. But if it doesn't cost more, won't effect my ability to do other work, and it's the right thing to do...what does it hurt?

There may be any number of reasons that our field is not valued in our organization - but I don't think we're doing ourselves any favors by not doing what defines us as valuable. I'd like to believe that someday a need will arise that we can address, that will showcase our value, and that we have prepared to be in the spotlight and represent.

That said, I am working nights to get the task done despite the supervisor's lack of support. I refuse to let someone else's apathy and learned-helplessness prevent me from doing my job to the best of my ability. I believe in it, and I feel bound to do it if only because of the training I'd received in all of my 9 years of grad school.

ZZt ZZt

Yesterday was the day of the ZZt ZZt. Also known as the day I went under the laser to kill some hair follicles.

I've been excited for weeks but by the time I actually arrived I was a little nervous about what to expect. I'm just not the kind of person that does anything permanent to her body - I'm just that much of a commitment-phobe. Plus, there were varying reports of whether it was going to hurt.
In the end, it was less painful than having eyebrows waxed. At least in my opinion. The woman also kept increasing the number (whatever that means) because my skin was tolerant of it. She claims this means that I should require few treatments. And, there was a bit of burnt hair smell that was somewhat unexpected.

I gotta say. It was kind of anti-climatic. She warned me that it may take up to four weeks for my little hair-friends fall out.

I've got my eye on you little hairs - and you have been evicted!

Standing up for the right reasons or pride?

I'm having an internal debate. Mostly because PC won't firmly take a side.

Here's the thing, I'm often a bit more sensitive to what I consider injustices - to myself and others. Top this off with my recent fascination with women's leadership books.*

Last week my boss and I received an email from someone who is doing some work for us. While Boss and I both have the expertise to do the work our organization often hires others to do it. Boss and I had recommended a change to a product based on our experience within the organization and based on what we believed would make the product better.

The other outside person responded back with several reasons why our suggestion would not work as we expected. I respect the opinion of those doing the work and I believe the reasons provided were valid and well thought out.

However. The email was laden with what I perceived as condescension. 

Here's a completely vague example:

Dear Boss and Abbey,
We have thought a lot about your suggestion (a very good suggestion). However, we believe the suggestion (which was good) might not work as you expect. We believe that while your suggestion was very good:
1. Blah blah blah is more widely used that yours (which was very good)
2. Yours (which I might add is excellent) might be more difficult for several reasons.
3. Blah blah blah.
If once you've tested out our way, and you still think your way (which was perfectly good) is better we will change it with no questions asked.

Thanks for considering our offer :) 

Yes, those parentheses comments were actually included. Yes, they actually said in writing that if we don't like our way (which we are paying them to do) won't be questioned if we still disagree. And YES there was a smiley face.

A few pieces of additional context:

This project was recently run by someone I like to call The Devil. The Devil's quick to make firm decisions with no rational based in expertise and then intimidates people into not questioning. Early in the project the Devil had made a significant decision (which we did not know about until it was handed over) that influenced the life-span of the utility of the project to less than before the project would be over. Basically completely ridiculous, a theoretical, and not blessed by higher-ups to whom Boss and I will now answer to because it is ours. It seems that while the people doing the job negotiated to expand the decision somewhat, it was still going to make the product completely useless.

Second piece of context. Boss does not rock the boat. Ever. Boss gets angry, vents to me, and then it goes no further. Boss' been doing this job for 20 years.

Third piece of context. I appear to be in my mid to late 20's despite my actual age and the people we are working with are connected with me on linked in so they know I've had my degree for 2 years and they've been doing this work for 10. 

So when this email came out, I immediately responded to Boss saying I was trying very hard to not roll my eyes. Boss called, we discussed, agreed it was condescending, and Boss said we'd just go with their recommendation because it was easier than arguing. Boss responded back to the others with a 'sounds good'.

What!

Alright, so here's my internal debate (assuming you made it this far). I'm fine with the possibility that the other idea is better and I am not one to insist on my way because I don't know everything and perhaps they are right. I'm even fine with giving them the opportunity to let us pre-test their recommendation. What I'm not ok is what I perceive as platitudes to our expertise and desires for how the product should be done. I think because Boss does waffles, poses desires in the form of questions and excepts no as an answer, and doesn't like confrontation that the other people think that they can speak to us this way. And, based on my reading women have a tendency to suck up these kinds of subtle slights in an effort to maintain positive relations but lose their credibility and authority.

I think this is a good opportunity to expect and request to be treated with the respect that I have earned as a professional in the field and as a subject matter expert who has an appreciation for how our organization really works.

So, I'd like to call the sender of the email on Monday and explain that I appreciate the recommendations and the rationale that was clearly well-thought out. However, whether it was intended or not the email itself was condescending and I'd appreciate it if she'd reconsider that approach with me in the future. (actually I can't come up with a good second half after the condescending part).

What do you think? How would you position your feedback to this person if you think it's appropriate to address it?


* I've been reading Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office (a quick read with some interesting tips) and Her Place at the Table (a harder read but also targeted in making sure you prepare yourself for moving up the career ladder). I highly recommend both.

Bummer

Yesterday as I was dealing with the unfortunate consequences of procrastination as it relates to not remembering to get my prescription filled, I noticed at the top of the prescription sheet the my age was listed as 34.

I have to admit I was a little pissed that my insurance company couldn't get my age correct. I mean for goodness sakes, they have my year of birth! "Do the freaking math!" I thought.

I logged into my insurance account with the intent of updating my age only to find you can't do that online. I looked to see if there was some option to send a strongly worded email but after a few minutes got distracted and didn't finish my search.

All day yesterday I was kind of annoyed.

This morning the discussion of age arose with PC, seeing as how his birthday is coming up this week. I was teasing him about his age. This reminded me of my experience the day before and I told him the same story.

He says, "Well, are you 34?"

I said, "No, I'm 32. Perhaps 33...I haven't really done the math...but I know 34 is wrong."

He asks, "What year were you born again?" I tell him...he literally counts on his fingers (I think just to mock me).

Turns out I'm 34.

Bummer.

He says I can be 32 if I want to be.

Calling the stats gurus

I'm hoping someone out there can help me with this SPSS problem. I'm trying to calculate an index score. However, the index score isn't a simple summation of several items - perhaps weighting some, perhaps recoding some. No. Because I know how to do that.

The scale is calculated as the average of the percentage of respondents that answer 4 or 5 on one item, a 4 or 5 on item 2, and a 4 or 5 on item 3.

Let me give you an example. Let's say we have 10 respondents. On item one, 5 people give a score of 4 or 5 - or 50%. On item two, 4 people rate a 4 or 5 - or 40%. On item three, only 2 people give a rating of 4 or 5 - or 20%.

The scale score would be (50% + 40% + 20%)/3.

Now yes, I fully acknowledge I could do this formula in excel. However, I'm not any good with excel beyond basic arithmetic. And, I've already created some new variables in SPSS and the file won't export into excel.

Now, I also realize I could do this by hand. Herein lies the problem. While the score is interesting, I want to be able to conduct t-tests for the people that responded to the measure before an event (pre) and after an event (post). The theory is that people after the event responded more positively or negatively than those who responded before the event. And, I further wanted to do an analysis of responses by day of the week to see if there was any pattern about when in the week was the most positive or negative results if at all (I don't think there is but my boss keeps saying it's true and we've never conducted actual analysis to verify).

As far as I've gotten at this point is it feels like dummy coding is needed. So 4 or 5s are now 1 and 1, 2, 3 are now 0. When I run frequencies I can get percentages...but now I am stuck.

Help!

Back on the wagon - though the wheels could use some fixin

I've officially made it through a little over three weeks back with Weight Watchers. I've had some overall frustrations with the new plan from the technological perspective more than the actual diet plan.

In my opinion, if you're going to roll out a new system and not give users any option to stay with the old plan, you better have your freaking ducks in a row. But despite the new system being out for 7 months there's still major glitches in their point estimators. And, I'd completely forgive that if the algorithm was something you could kind of eyeball like the old one.Now, without a true point value for many of the foods I eat, I have to guess or possibly accept the higher point values that the website seems to give.

That said, I'm down nearly 10 pounds with minimal exercise. This is significantly faster than when I used the old plan, so that is positive. Plus, I figure if I add in some exercise the weight should come off even faster. Granted I'm only looking for another 5 pounds down to get to my fantasy weight...but still. 


* It seems that when you enter something like oatmeal it gives you a high number, but when you actually enter the nutrition values into the calculator its something like 5 points higher than true. As someone who only gets 29 points a day, a 5 point over estimate is the difference between a real dinner or a salad.

Update

I know everyone is probably waiting with bated breath about whether I went for the deal or not.

Yes and no.

No, I didn't buy the $50 deal. I reread the comments on yelp and most of them talked about the owners unresponsiveness. Seeing as how the procedure requires multiple visits, the last thing I need is unresponsiveness.

But, yes, I did buy the other more expensive deal.

I'm beyond stoked the possibility of even being significantly less hairy. Some might even say obsessed.

The appointment is a couple weeks out since I read you should wait at least 4 weeks since the last time you plucked because it rips out the hair folical and the laser won't see it. I'll let you know how it goes in case you want to gain some lessons learned through my little experiment.

House cleaning and updating

I cleaned house as far as the blogs listed on my page. I discovered that many of them hadn't posted in a year or more time. It is sad in a sense because it seems like a bygone time.

That said, I'm looking for recommendations for new blogs to follow. Also, if you've been lurking and want to be added...here's your chance.

Leave me suggestions in the comments below. Um, or not.

Is it a deal or a bad idea?

I'm debating laser hair removal. It's one of those things I'd never seriously considered because...well it's expensive and seems superfluous. I mean is shaving really all that hard?

Granted, I'm a 1-2 times a week kind of leg shaver - not cause I'm lucky, mostly cause I'm lazy. And, PC doesn't complain.

Anyway, as I've gotten older I've grown some rogue hairs. In the facial region. Up till now, they've been sporadic and required a every-few-weeks pluck. But something has changed or I dipped my face in Rogaine, because it's become a nearly every day ordeal. Ugh!

Needless to say, it's really cutting into my FB time. Though more seriously, I am scared to death that I'm going to end up like my great grandmother. My lasting memory of her was in the hospital, her stomach was bloated, there were lots of wires, and she had a full chin of whiskers. And, who in their right mind would shave that when she's there on her death bed? It seems rude. I was probably 10 at the time.

That said, I do not want to be that woman on her death bed with a face full of whiskers. I'm not entirely sure I can trust PC to do hair removal in the hospital when we're 90 (ok, I'd be 90, he'd be 95).

So here we are. Laser hair removal. I've read all about it, all the questions to ask...and then there's this coupon for a local place (think groupon but local). For $50, you get 3 sessions of a small area.

I mean my God, for $50 it's almost worth getting just to see what happens - worst case, I'm still fuzzy. Best case, less plucking.

But then you know what happens, right? $50, a life time of not worrying about hair...and then you might think...maybe I could get two and get my underarms done too. Cause that...that's a freaking hassle with the every other day of shaving (I have my limits about areas that can be fuzzy) and the deodorant in the blades no matter how much I scrub under there in advance.

The other deal going on the same service on for-real-groupon is $147. It weirds me out a little that there's such a price difference for the same service (though the expensive one is more convenient, the other requires more energy and planning to get to). But, from the other perspective...if the $50 place is a crap hole...it's not like I'll be physically marred for the rest of my life, just still fuzzy...right? Seems like $100 (for two) is a small price to pay for the possibility of no facial hair and naked underarms.

I've read the yelp reviews on the $50 place. There's 4. Three glowing, one not.

What are your thoughts? I have 12 hours before the deal is gone...

I blame the trains

I think I've become a local. Or, let's say the local behaviors meld well with my natural tendency to be in a hurry and annoyed with others.

It used to be that I people watched on the metro - more amused with the process than worried about whether I was squished or not.

Now, I'm easily ticked because someone thinks they can take up a bunch of room in the train while LEANING on me, when the GD train is nearly empty. I'm not a leaning post. I know you can feel me. In my opinion, I was here first and I will jab my book into you passive aggressively until you move.

In the same vein, I hate when people get all antsy behind me when pulling into one of the busiest stations in the morning. First, I can't go anywhere before the door opens any more than you can. Second, statistically speaking it's highly likely I'm getting off the train at this station. Third, really?

Then there's the people that race for the door to the train after it dings, and then physically pull the doors open. Somehow I don't think it's worth the possibility of losing an appendage when there's another train in about 5 minutes. At worst, 15 minutes. On top of that, I've heard though not yet witnessed, that when people pull the doors like that, it can break them resulting in everyone having to get off and wait for the next train. So this person's unwillingness to wait another 5-15 minutes results in about a 100 people's worth of inconvenience. Oh, and in the time it takes for the next train - you have that original hundred plus the new 100 that would have gotten on the next train as well. I've been told it makes for a wonderful ride.

Then there's the escalators. I totally get that out of towners don't know the rules (stand right, walk left) so I try to be patient - but for the love of god - please metro stations post signs! But there's the stubborn assholes that like to stand in the middle - clearly residents mind you. They're like human speed bumps in the path of making it to work on time. I ask you, who raised these inconsiderate asses? Who peed directly into their cherrios to make it necessary to screw up the commute of everyone behind them? Oftentimes, you catch trains by seconds making that escalator person the difference between making the train or not. Certainly they've been running late and had to race to catch the train, certainly they must have some appreciation for just how much people want to throw them down the stairs. And, yes, there is some possibility that they're thinking, "What's the rush, catch the next one." Um, yes but I could catch THIS one if you freaking moved. Personally, I think if you're going to take a stand about something, make it something kinda cool and newsworthy - not standing in the middle of the damn escalator.

Oh, yeah, and I'm chronically late to work these days. I blame the trains.

A sleeping mask kinda girl

I've been having trouble staying asleep for about 5 months. Or said differently, since we moved into the apartment.

One of the 'bonuses' of our place is floor to ceiling windows in the living room and bedroom. I'd briefly contemplated whether it was due to the sun coming up that caused my little eyeballs to open at 5:30am - 30 minutes before I'm supposed to be officially up.

Instead of using my extra 30 minutes to get to work on time (for a change) I usually struggled to go back to sleep thereby ending up oversleeping.

Why do I mention this you ask? Well, because I recently got a new possession. A sleeping mask!

I don't think I'd ever put money out for one, nor know where to buy one, but as luck would have it it was in the welcome package for a hotel we stayed at a couple weeks ago.

For entertainment sake, I tried it out at the hotel and slept through night. I've now been using it at home with equal success.Victory is mine! Plus, a free mask is way cheaper than blackout curtains.

Never saw myself as one of those sleeping mask kinds of girls...but I kinda like it. 

End is near

Soooooo anyone got anything planned for after the rapture this weekend?

Personally I've been more entertained by the comments on FB than anything else. Thoughts about reducing unemployment, wondering what time it's going to be (5:45 pm is word on the street), excitement over the additional room at the bar for next year's St Patrick's day.

In my day-to-day, I also take every opportunity to bring it up to see how people respond. Sadly, few of my RL friends know about it and it kinda takes the funny out of the joke.

Or is it a joke?

It's kinda weird to think...what if he's right?

Awkward

In the course of my very first job out of college I met a woman. She was older than me - I'd have guessed her to be somewhere in her 40's. To do the math for you, I'd guess maybe a 20 year age gap. Or, at very least 10.

We got along well enough. I don't recall what our connection was exactly, but I do know it was enough to result in us exchanging email addresses when I left that job to go to graduate school.

Now I don't know what it is about that generation of email users, but I've noticed a trend such that my parents' age-ish have a high propensity to send forwards. You know those obnoxious emails that think Microsoft is going to send you money for signing the petition, or that angels will pray for you so you're not late to work if you send the email to 30 friends...those kinds of forwards.

So back when we first exchanged email addresses forwards were pretty popular. I can say I was probably pretty guilty of forwards myself.

Ten years later, with the exception of some of the older folks, I'd say forwards have mostly died out. Sadly, this is not the case for her.

I get a lot of emails of these type. By a lot I mean, probably 5 a week. And they tend to be in little bursts.

So, what do you do? Sure, I can delete them. Which I do. But we're going on ten years of deleting. On occasion when I do take a peek, they're the same old stupid ones from 10 years ago. I don't think I've seen a personal email note in I don't know how long - but easily 7 years at best.

Ultimately, I did what any normal person would do. I just marker her email address as spam.

Problem solved, right?

Temporarily. Appears she's now requested access to chat with me on gmail.

Really? I have zero interest. Zero. So, I declined the invitation.

Problem solved, right?

Ugh, I got another request today. I'm at a loss.

We needed that

You ever have one of those days where pretty much everything pisses you off?

That was my yesterday. Poor PC took the brunt of it since he's pretty much the only one I see on the weekends. He couldn't do a thing right.

Well, in all honesty, he did do stuff that was pissed off worthy. It was just that it was kinda in a string across an entire day.

:(

Anyway, the good news is that despite our bickering most of the day we sucked it up, got dressed up, and headed into the city. Where we found our new favorite bar.

We needed that.

Check out

It makes me sad that I am unwilling to argue for my perspective because:

1) I don't plan to live with the consequences of the decision

2) it doesn't matter because nothing is going to change

3) it's easier than having to stay on the phone with the person and pretend that I care or that something will change

 

In sum, I've checked out.

 

Where's it going?

As part of my birthday resolutions, I decided to increase my water intake. I know this is probably one of the most common health goals but it's extremely hard for me because I absolutely hate water.

Yes, I hate water. Yes, I know it doesn't taste like anything so how could I hate it.

I hate it because it tastes like nothing. Anyone else who hates water understands this. Anyone that doesn't hate water never seems to get this.

Alas. My point.

I came up with an ingenious solution. I developed a "Water Cocktail". It includes, one packet Splenda and one very squeezed piece of lime. This week at the grocery store, I even bought a bag of key limes. A halved key lime is perfect for an 8oz glass.

At the current pace, with access to the three primary ingredients I easily consume my 8 glasses of water. In fact, I might be getting more than my eight glasses. And bonus, vitamin C!

Yes, I know there are some that suggest that drinking more than 8 glasses of water may be dangerous. Some disagree. But either way, I can't stop.

I also sometimes debate whether I'm going to end up with cancer of some sort when someone figures out that the long term effect of Splenda intake is actually harmful. And, I also sometimes wonder where all the water is going because I don't think there's a one to one relationship between intake and output...if you know what I mean.

Also of note, I'm no less starving all the time. Which is unfortunate.

My soul slipped today

It's never a good idea to blog angry. Things are said, they're here forever, etc etc.

So I've waited a few hours to cool down. And I think that while I'm still somewhat angry, I'm mostly disappointed. I'm disappointed that fear and apathy get in the way of doing good work. I'm disappointed that the powers that be squash the efforts of those coming up the ranks efforts to do the work properly – not because there's no budget it to do it or because they personally don't see the value – but because they are not willing to go to bat to say this is the proper way to do it and I'm not going to run a shop that half-asses things before we're told no.

My dream job is melting. What started off as a sandbox of amazing possibility, is turning quickly into a sinkhole of my soul. Initially, I was lead to believe that change was not only needed, but desired. Yet, I'm experiencing more and more roadblocks down to the very lowest levels of the chain. My experience and training is not only questioned, I'm more often not invited to meetings related to my sandbox, and those that are supposed to be advocating for my work has in short indicated that it's basic common sense anyone could do but also that it's meaningless to use in any larger decision making processes.

Which makes sense, because what was being done before I arrived wasn't working, so a new perspective can't possibly be worthwhile to consider – especially since you went out of your way to HIRE this new perspective.

Despite this, I accepted that a portion of my job was too visible and too political to make any good headway. I decided that if I made a strong showing in another area, I'd build some credibility on top of helping facilitate change in perhaps a back-door approach than the other project. Up until today, I was given almost entire leeway to craft the project that used my research experiences and my consulting experiences – I was going to accomplish something cool in application as well as set myself up for several articles in the future and position my organization to be a benchmarking organization.

Then the rug was pulled out from under me. For no reason other than 1) we don't think anyone will care about the results and 2) we don't think anyone would answer surveys honestly (though I'd included ways to ensure more honest responding), a large, important part of my project was vetoed. It wasn't a money or time thing, it was an apathy thing and the person openly admitted that it was professionally the wrong thing to do. And then, the blame was placed on a superior who vetoed it when I know that it was pitched to the superior as 'not recommended' who merely agreed without getting a pitch for why it was important and necessary. Not only do I not like the outcome or the manipulation of the outcome, but I mostly don't like the lying that it was the superior's decision when I know the person wasn't in support of it but wasn't willing to just say no to me directly. It's dishonest, and it's weak.

And, it was today that my soul slipped away from this job. Sadly, I have another six months before I can take a new position for various monetary reasons. It will be a sad journey of working hard to just get to the exit point. It also leaves me in a position of where do I go from here?

I'm considering academia – though I know that is brutal and of late I haven't been setting myself up to be a strong candidate. I'm also considering opening my own firm – but worry about my own abilities in marketing, networking, and selling my skills in a market flooded by others that do similar types of work.  

 

Flowers of Dream State

Confirmed renewal

I had a dream last night (yes, I know no one cares to read about other people's dreams I just have a point to make) that I gave birth*. In my dream it was as though I knew I was pregnant, but just didn't get around to preparing for it. As in, no car carrier thing and no name.

The name and car carrier played a large part because 1) I couldn't update my FB status unless I had a name, and 2) we were on our way somewhere and I wasn't sure how we were going to get the baby clean and in the car with no preparations or a car carrier in time for wherever we were going.

Anyway, immediately upon waking I decided to check out the birth interpretation for dreams.

According to my most used dream interpretation source, giving birth means:

To dream of giving birth or see someone else giving birth, suggests that you are giving birth to a new idea or project. It also represents a new attitude, fresh beginnings or a major  event.  Alternatively, the dream may be calling attention to your inner child and the potential for you to grow. A more direct interpretation of this dream, may represent your desires/ anxieties of giving birth or the anticipation for such an event to occur.
So I guess I wasn't kidding about renewal yesterday. Perhaps it's suggesting that while I'm going to have a new idea, project, or attitude, I haven't really been doing my due diligence to prepare for it - that I'm too focused on schedule and updating FB to fully appreciate where I'm going and whom I've the potential to be.

Or, the dream could also be in part due to my dear friend, Shorty, giving birth last night.

*To a human baby, by the way because apparently that clarification is needed for good interpretation.

Renewal

I thought I knew what spring was, but I was wrong. I’ve heard about the whole renewal business, but living in Florida spring has always looked a lot like summer but a little (very little) cooler. I was baffled by why people were so intrigued by it.

Until I lived it.

When I first moved to Dream State, I really thought fall was my favorite season. What with the cooler weather and pretty leaves. Apple cider, apple butter, bonfires, and smores all helped. Then winter came. And while I wasn’t thrilled with the transition from 70 degree weather to 40s, the snow was amazing. I did a lot of playing in the snow, watching the snow, looking at all the leaves and blades of grass covered in ice. Learning what freezing rain is. All amazing.

I’m not being sarcastic here by the way. I really thought winter was overall pretty amazing.

Eventually with no more hope of snow and a string of way too many days in the 40s, I was ready for summer.

What I wasn’t expecting was spring. Which, as I implied, was pretty much a throw-away season in the south. But here, it’s meant the smallest daintiest of leaves I’ve ever seen. Tulips on top of tulips on top of tulips (aka my favorite flowers). And then the blooms of all sorts of flowers from the bushes to the tree tops. All sorts of colors, shapes, and smells.

In the course of experiencing spring, I’ve also begun thinking about my own renewal. Whether I’ve been taking good enough care of myself, of my little family, of my relationships with others. And, I’d say in most all cases I’ve been kind of not taking terribly good care of anyone or anything.

Since my birthday, I’ve decided to have Birthday resolutions (seeing as how I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions). Among other things, I’ve resolved to drink more water and take my vitamins. (This is actually much harder than you’d think). I’ve also begun being more conscious of how I speak to PC, the support I give him, and the appreciation I have for the things he does do for me (I still make task lists so we can track what still needs to be done). I also want to get to a better place financially – better budgeting, more conscientious of where the money goes, greater awareness into retirement and savings – which admittedly stems in part from my living in Dream State in which the cost of living is significantly higher than what we’re used to and in part due to all the really cool things there are to do here.

All in all, it’s time for a rebirth of sorts – much like I had hoped for when starting fresh here for blogging.

Quandry

Perhaps I spoke too soon.

He's had time to ruminate a bit...and well, frankly the offer is pretty low. By low, I mean still pretty good but lower than what he made in his last position and not accounting for the increase of cost of living associated with moving to Dream State (20% is the common assumption). And, the position is about an hour of commuting each way. And, the benefits aren't as good as he'd hoped...

So it's a quandary. Take a job that objectively you'd love (or at least like a lot), but that you feel like you're being screwed based on the pay, benefits, and commute...

Sadly, based on the literature, this is a recipe for disaster.

PC is debating the pros and cons of negotiating a higher rate (worrying that it will sour their relationship before he even walks in the door), accepting it but knowing this will set his income trajectory in Dream State and possibly the rest of his career and has already soured HIS relationship with them before he walks in the door, and knowing that he has no other offers on the table so he's got no fall back plan if he doesn't take the job. 

I know that I don't know what to recommend. I see all those same pros and cons...all of which have consequences...and I don't know what I'd pick either.

Good news!

So, first and foremost, PC got a j.o.b! It was nice to see him come home from his interview lit up with the excitement of working for this company. Especially knowing that he'll be back to working on a team of people instead of so independently (read: kinda lonely). On the less positive note, it's a hell of a commute and they're totally low-balling him from a pay perspective. Unlike me, he's very unlikely to counteroffer even though he has the EXACT skill set they need to round out their business.

Second, I went shopping. To avoid any real issues around potential fluffiness on my part (even though the scale continues to say I'm below my usual weight but I don't believe it because I'm not working out, not eating overly well, and have been drinking like a fish) I bought a hell-a-lota shoes.

You're welcome DSW.

Willing to eat anything that has cheese, grease, or liquor in it

I think I have SAD. I can objectively say nothing went terribly wrong today, but I'm pretty much ready to lay around, eat anything that has cheese grease Chinese and or liquor in it, and be grouchy. Here's just a few of the things going on in my head this evening in no particular order.

• HR person was kind of unnecessarily bitchy to me. I was there to fill out paperwork for something I'm already a little uncomfortable with, and she made it worse. I may sit on the paper work for a while. Sitting on it will only hurt me in the long run but I don't want to see HR person to re-turn it in for at least a week.
• My main project for the next month got postponed due to politics. Relatedly, my pay may also be delayed due to politics.
• As a result of my main project being delayed, I have to return to the project I thought I was done with (and have been focusing on non-stop for months) - and frankly, I'm just burnt out on it.
• People who have no sense of obligation to meet their basic job requirements that screw my shit up seem to surround me
• I haven't been working out and no badgering, begging, deciding, or bribing seems to be working to get me back in the gym. I feel guilty and I'm not nice to me about being a lazy ass. Kinda a double whammy.
• I'm tired of  having to put a damn jacket every time I want to go outside.
• I'm tired of having to make small talk with people in the elevator for 10 floors at 6am when I am only there to walk the dog - repeat at 11pm.
• Just want PC to have a job. I used to want him to have a job he liked, now I'd just like him to be employed. I think. Ok, maybe it's more that I'm just tired of him having to go through the job hunting part because we inevitably argue.
• I find that even though we can afford to live in a snobby place, that I'm actually out snobbed by those around me - and I'm tired of feeling not good enough when I pay an assload of money to live here. I'm equally annoyed with those that are too good to talk to me in the elevator as those that think we need to be best friends for 20 seconds at 6am.
• I want to go shopping. I haven't gone shopping because I feel fat but I'm not (weirdly maintaining low weight despite not working out) and I feel like I should not be extravagant when we're living on one salary but it doesn't seem fair to not be able to shop with my income...and so the circular thinking goes
• I'm eerily pale. I didn't even know this kind of pale existed. I don't know when I'll be able to wear shorts ever again with this damn cold. I dread future self's sun burn knowing that future future self is going to hate future self for the wrinkles and cancer.
• I get to start telecommuting next week because I hit my 6 month mark here. My boss is weary of the days I picked to telecommute because more than half the office is out that day too - why do I have to be there if no one else is and why do they get to pick that day but I have no say? Just because I am last? And, if some of them leave, do I get to move my day or does some random new person get that day?
• I'm tired of my boss being beat down by the system. Not only does it make me feel beat down, but I have no one to depend on to push back to senior management to get things done.
• No one in my organization actually cares about what I do. It's hard to keep getting so worked up about the horrors that I'm hear to solve when they're more interested in cutting the data a little different to make everything look ok.
• It's hard to have a career you're passionate about when you're considered a luxury (at best) or an annoying fly (at worst) in most organizations.
• I seem to be one of the few people that likes their job and believes that people have the best of intentions. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm a fool.
• I feel like I'm falling behind professionally because I've not published anything and have no conference presentations in the works. Yet, I don't have the energy to do what is actually one of the most time consuming mind numbing activities in academic life - formatting for a submission. How ridiculous is it that I have an article ready to go for the last 6 months if only I'd change the format?
• My 6 month anniversary here at new job was pretty anti-climatic.