My soul slipped today

It's never a good idea to blog angry. Things are said, they're here forever, etc etc.

So I've waited a few hours to cool down. And I think that while I'm still somewhat angry, I'm mostly disappointed. I'm disappointed that fear and apathy get in the way of doing good work. I'm disappointed that the powers that be squash the efforts of those coming up the ranks efforts to do the work properly – not because there's no budget it to do it or because they personally don't see the value – but because they are not willing to go to bat to say this is the proper way to do it and I'm not going to run a shop that half-asses things before we're told no.

My dream job is melting. What started off as a sandbox of amazing possibility, is turning quickly into a sinkhole of my soul. Initially, I was lead to believe that change was not only needed, but desired. Yet, I'm experiencing more and more roadblocks down to the very lowest levels of the chain. My experience and training is not only questioned, I'm more often not invited to meetings related to my sandbox, and those that are supposed to be advocating for my work has in short indicated that it's basic common sense anyone could do but also that it's meaningless to use in any larger decision making processes.

Which makes sense, because what was being done before I arrived wasn't working, so a new perspective can't possibly be worthwhile to consider – especially since you went out of your way to HIRE this new perspective.

Despite this, I accepted that a portion of my job was too visible and too political to make any good headway. I decided that if I made a strong showing in another area, I'd build some credibility on top of helping facilitate change in perhaps a back-door approach than the other project. Up until today, I was given almost entire leeway to craft the project that used my research experiences and my consulting experiences – I was going to accomplish something cool in application as well as set myself up for several articles in the future and position my organization to be a benchmarking organization.

Then the rug was pulled out from under me. For no reason other than 1) we don't think anyone will care about the results and 2) we don't think anyone would answer surveys honestly (though I'd included ways to ensure more honest responding), a large, important part of my project was vetoed. It wasn't a money or time thing, it was an apathy thing and the person openly admitted that it was professionally the wrong thing to do. And then, the blame was placed on a superior who vetoed it when I know that it was pitched to the superior as 'not recommended' who merely agreed without getting a pitch for why it was important and necessary. Not only do I not like the outcome or the manipulation of the outcome, but I mostly don't like the lying that it was the superior's decision when I know the person wasn't in support of it but wasn't willing to just say no to me directly. It's dishonest, and it's weak.

And, it was today that my soul slipped away from this job. Sadly, I have another six months before I can take a new position for various monetary reasons. It will be a sad journey of working hard to just get to the exit point. It also leaves me in a position of where do I go from here?

I'm considering academia – though I know that is brutal and of late I haven't been setting myself up to be a strong candidate. I'm also considering opening my own firm – but worry about my own abilities in marketing, networking, and selling my skills in a market flooded by others that do similar types of work.