Shoulda gotten over this by now

You would have thought I would have gotten over it in grad school. The constant competition, the need to outshine others. You know, the whole idea that grad school pretty much skimmed the top of the best so sometimes you were humbled by no longer being the best among the best.

In general, this competition served me well. It motivated me to come up with new ways to be better and produce more. Simultaneously, the inability to let the competition go would sometimes plunge me into the depths of self-loathing that I couldn't 'beat' the other person/persons.

That said, competing among the best and coming out towards the top of the heap has led to me having a generally unencumbered work life. Admittedly, when I was consluting I often felt out of my league mostly because it wasn't what we were trained to do in grad school.There were many days I'd come home and dissolve into tears that I wasn't the best in the office.*

When I was ousted from that position by the economy (read: laid off) I took a position in an area that wasn't really known for excellence. This was a double edged sword in the sense that by showing up, staying awake during meetings, and having an insightful comment on occasion I pretty much exceeded expectation. Often, I'd get performance awards - and PC would say, "I thought you said you didn't do anything all day." I'd shrug and respond, "I really don't." The other edge of this, however, is that I was bored to tears. If I got work to do, I worked alone for the most part.

In my new position, it's a new type of work but the same below-mediocre expectations. In only three months of being there I was promoted and given the largest performance bonus available. Mind you, I love what I was doing so I kept very busy often writing extra reports and doing extra analysis for fun. Other than my boss, I was the only one with a PhD and our background. In a sense, I not only did not have to compete, I set the expectation.

In steps someone who is bright and an over-achiever as well, who was to support my work. It's been a pleasure to work with her. Though she has a bachelors in an unrelated field, she catches on quickly. It's nice to see someone that has a work ethic and believes in going above expectations.**

We'll call her Star.


All was good until last week. I suppose it had been building for several weeks. My boss and I had a philosophical difference of opinion on work I was performing. Because it was a project he didn't want to provide much input into up to that point I felt I had a 'blank check' to do the project as I wanted so long as it ended up with good reviews. Which it did. I was angry that boss thought changes should be made not based on science or theory but rather personal preferences. Due to my boss and my strong difference and the refusal of either parties side to come to the table, Boss began to speak only to Star. Through Star, boss was able to communicate new tasks to me and Star was often put in the position of defending my position which we both shared about the project. Add to that that Boss and I managed to adjust our telecommuting days to the point where we seldom saw each other face to face for the last few weeks.

Pushed to my mental limit, I took two days off last week. I checked in with Star before deciding to call in to make sure she had other things to work on because I didn't want her to be burdened by the tasks I wouldn't be completing during my 'sick' leave. She assured me she had plenty to do. I told her to push my tasks off if boss asked and let me take the heat if there was something that wasn't done.

I return after being out two days to find she is now writing two white papers, setting the timeline for the rest of 'our' project, and generally finding other things to get done that boss had not yet even thought of to task.

Two days.

I have had nothing but hate in my heart since I have returned. I hate that I seem to be replaced. I hate that she seems to have stepped up while I was out to take the lead. I hate that boss doesn't see this or doesn't care. I hate that she no longer clears things through me but rather cc's me on products.

My response has been icy silence. I've also begun pouting by not doing anything and being a critical reviewer of anything she does produce. Still, she continues to produce faster than I can because I'm often not looped in that something is needed or have the context with which to complete the task. For instance, I submitted 5-6 lines of notes from a meeting we had and she submitted a 5-pager on the meeting, schedule, and ratings including some other tables. The best response I had was to task her with integrating my 5 notes into her document (which I think she intentionally did not include just to be snotty in return).

You'd think I'd have learned to handle this better. I'm used to backstabbing and ladder climbing - I just didn't think we were on the same ladder or that she was even interested in my ladder. And, I certainly didn't think she'd be able to come toe to toe in my field. It came as complete surprise and I'm not really sure how to recover. I keep thinking, "You aren't really the leader if you have to tell someone you're the leader."

Cognitively, it tells me that you probably don't need a PhD to do what I do. And the knowledge of this has sent me into a tail-spin of depression and anger and bitterness. This can't end well.

*While not the best, I understand that someone else picked up my client when my company resurfaced and the client asked that that conslut not show up to their offices again.

**Hell, I would have been grateful for someone that even met expectations.