Delays

It is probably no news flash that I'm a planner. More of a news flash is that I just want the move to be done. It has been an incredible amount of work and tested both of our limits of patience.

So imagine my frustration with hearing a snow storm is heading in the very night we are to be making the final push into Dream State. Not only does it mean the move won't be done tomorrow, it means extending the truck rental, rescheduling movers, taking additional days off work, rescheduling another truck rental...and lord knows what else I've not yet thought of.

So much for snow being my new favorite thing.

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And so begins the cross country trek

I might officially be too old to sleep on the floor. It hurts. Or, said differently, I hurt.

Why am I on the floor you ask? Well, because all our stuff is on a big old moving truck as of last evening. A truck I might add that is nearly twice as large as we'd planned.

Frankly, I don't know how PC is going to drive it. Though I suppose the good news is that most of it is highway driving.

We have some minor stuff left to do with the house today and then we head off to our first stop...his parents house.

Five long hours in the car. With all the kids. Last count: two cats, a dog, and a fish.

Yay, Christmas.

A few days later, we make the final 15 hour push to Dream State.

Makes me appreciate the 2 hour direct flight.

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First impressions

Today was my first snowed-upon. Being a native of the south, snow is a novelty that has only been in my world on a couple of occasions. And those few occasions involved it already being on the ground.

But today? Today, I saw it fall from the sky.

Ok, technically I saw it fall from the sky around midnight on Tuesday when PC happened to be in town. It was an amusing sort of experience because I could have missed it under normal circumstances. The not-normal circumstances are that my apartment temperature is centrally managed by someone who thinks hell might be a fun place to live. I know this, because my apartment is sweltering hot all the time. I combat it by leaving my windows open. So yes, I leave my windows open when it's in the 20's to manage my apartment temperature. It's that hot. Anyway, I was sitting there by the window Tuesday night when I began getting spritzed. I moved the blinds only to find snow stuck to the screens. It was amazing. PC was there for my first official snow-falling experience.

Today, however, was my first snow falling on me experience. Having heard on the early news that we could expect up to three inches by the afternoon, I wore my new snow boots in. While initially mocked in the morning, I can't tell you how freaking handy they were when we ventured out for lunch. I had one girl in heels on one side of me, and one girl in dress flats on the other. Both holding on to me because I was the only one with grip. Each giggled when I'd stop to stick my foot print into a snow bank. Or, when I'd comment that a snow flake just got in my mouth. Or when I was enthralled by being covered with white flakes all over my black coat. The picture above was my taking another brief detour through a patch of virgin snow.

What can I say?

All that being said, I have a few first impressions.

1. Snow from over night feels/sounds like a nice solid crunch when you step on it. Freshly fallen snow actually feels/sounds like walking on sand in shoes. It also behaves interestingly when you kick it. Not like fake snow at all.
2. It's not as cold as I expected. Walking around in it I mean. Today with snow felt warmer and more tolerable than days prior with no snow.
3. It fascinated me to watch the snow swish around when cars drove by, almost like sand storms. I noticed it got stuck in cracks in the road too, so from above, you could see them.
4. I couldn't figure out why one side walk was completely clear of snow, while the one across was covered in white. I presumed one was warmer than the other. Turns out it's due to salt.
5. Black ice. Not just dangerous for cars.
6. I can see why people complain about the dirty slush. I, however, found it entertaining because I had my slush kryptonite snow boots on.
7. People are a bunch of whiners about snow. It's way less bothersome to walk through than rain.
8. I'm so glad I don't drive. I don't even know what I'd do.
9. I cannot wait for my first stay-home snow day. However, I'm discovering that apparently one has to prepare for staying in like one prepares for a hurricane. I've never actually bought stuff to prepare for a hurricane, despite living there for 33 years.
10. I'd like to know the etiquette about playing in the snow on people's cars. In walking by cars that were clearly parked all day - with 2 - 3 inches of snow on it - I ran my finger through some of it. I debated drawing a picture. Maybe a heart or a smiley. But then I wondered if that was a no-no like drawing in someone's dew or mud. I rationalized that part of why you don't play in dew or mud is because it scratches paint. Snow - I'm not digging down. So? What's the answer my northern friends?

"Favors"

One of the things about Dream State, for better or worse, is that networking is a part of everyday life. It can work for or against you in a way that I don't think I have ever heard of in any other state.

For instance, I went to dinner last week with a random group only to discover one of the ladies at the dinner was not only from my prior local area but was heading up networking events for PC's area of interest. Even better was that the next event is occurring when he's in town and in a pub that connected to our new apartment.

Um, hello, we're totally attending.

Similarly, I attend a number of events hosted by my local alumni chapter...only to discover one of the men there also happens to work at the company PC recently interviewed for. I got the scoop from the guy, as well as his business card...and should PC get the job, he's got a ready-made tour guide to introduce him around the company.

In sum. I'm pretty good at networking. And, not just for PC.

That being said, and I realize this may sound cocky, I found it obnoxious that an event I wanted to attend involving one of my favorite hobbies (mixology) that I was required to 'friend' the random host on FB.

Now, my philosophy on FB is kind of moderate. I don't just friend anyone, but I'm not super stringent either. However, I'm conscious of the idea that by friending someone, they're going to know my nearly everyday goings-on and have access to my pictures.* What bothered me was that this was someone I had never met and it was a seeming requirement to attend the event.**

Initially I took the passive approach. I replied yes, but commented that perhaps I didn't understand but were we really having to friend the host. She said yes.

Then I took the dumb approach, and said I wasn't really sure how to friend her. In truth, I don't know that there was enough info about her to find her and I actually have a hard time finding people even when I know all their details. Either way, I was looking for her to give me a pass. She replied with her full name and sadly I was able to find her.

Finally, I took the direct approach. I told her I didn't friend people I didn't know. Perhaps I could attend an event in the future that didn't require 'friending'. Her reply was that I could still attend, she was just trying to network me in with up-in-coming blah, blah, blah person in the mixology world.

Three thoughts:

1. Anyone networking through someone who isn't actually a known tie is actually useless. She can't vouch for me as a good tie. I can't trust that those who she's trying to tie to me are of any value to me either. Yes, that's actually research based.
2. I don't know that I want to be networked in with local mixologists. Maybe I do, but it's not a conscious decision on my part. When I do decide, then I will actively seek those connections.
3. I do just fine networking on my own, thank.you.very.much. Don't do me any favors.

*I do think through anything posted just in case I somehow accidentally friend a future employer so as not to incriminate myself in anyway.
**The event was through my goto social life maker (meetup.com) so I know that it's not normal to have to rsvp outside of the system.

Planning ahead

I'm in the final weeks before flying back to Florida to pack up the rest of the house, the 'kids', and PC. I'm preemptively stressed. As seen in my email exchange about my schedule for the week I'm there to pack:

•  I fly in Saturday afternoon and pack.
• Sunday, I pack. Might have a garage sale. Step mother may be flying in to help with packing. I will have break down about all the shit to be done and all the things I have to throw away or give away and see dollar signs in each item.
• Monday, I take my car to be painted. And pack. Call in to poorly timed conference call about work project.
• Tuesday, pack. Throw shit out.
• Wednesday, truck and movers arrive. Step mother leaves, I think.
• Thursday, pick up painted car. Pack up 'kids', trek the hell up to PC's parent's house 3 states away. If not already gone, step mother leaves this day.
• Friday, actually leave because wasn't able to actually get everything done on Thursday.
• Saturday, pretend to relax at his parent's house. Open presents.
• Sunday, make small talk, but worry about the kittie kids peeing inappropriately, freezing, and/or being eaten by his mom's dogs. Depart for Dream State.
• Monday, arrive in Dream State most likely late for our move in appointment.
• Tuesday, return to work. Or, call in sick.

Friend's response?

"All right.
#1- sounds like you are already having a breakdown lol

#2- I think I will just come help you pack when I'm free. And we can drink.

PC better be packing."

I'm going to miss these kinds of friends.

We could be friends. Maybe.

This weekend I was referred to as one of a group of some one's core friends here in Dream State. I should have been happy, or at least nonplussed.

Instead, I had this weird wave of "Wait a second, I don't know if I'm ready for the responsibility of being some one's friend. I don't know that you've known me long enough to make an educated decision about whether I'm friendworthy." And, if these people are so willing to be friends with me so easily...perhaps they are not of high quality friend material.

Perhaps it's one of those situations where we all pretend we don't know that the things on the clearance rack are there because no one else wanted them.

Apparently, not only am I phobic of romantic relationships, student loan repayment contracts, leases on apartments, insurance policies for cars living in Dream State...but I'm also phobic of committing to friends.

In my new status as 'friend', I've been invited to two parties.

Change is awesome (sarcastic face)

It's probably not good when you actually consider counting the number of melt downs you have as the actual move gets closer. Though, it's probably not as bad as when you can almost visualize the future break downs and arguments and stress that will be happening in the next 25 days.

Twenty five days until they lock the freight elevator to allow us to move all of our remaining worldly possessions and 'children' into our new apartment. Three of those days will be spent at PC's parent's house for Christmas, and is actually a pretty relaxing time. However, we don't usually bring the kitties or the fish. And, PC's mom's dogs pretty much want to eat the kitties. The kitties want to eat the fish. I just want to freaking eat everything in sight to not deal with all the stress.

Tonight is one of those nights where the meltdown snuck up on me. You see, it arrived in what I thought was just sheer exhaustion. At 6pm, I'm literally unable to keep my eyes open. But once I get into bed, the lists of minute details that I know PC isn't thinking about are racing through my head. Details I can't take care of from here. Details he doesn't have the added capacity to handle on his own in addition to his current workload and the debilitation associated with the stress. The racing thoughts lead to a call for PC to calm me down, which made it worse because he started listing off even more details like times and dates of packing, and moving, and driving.

So as if that all wasn't enough. What in the hell is up with Weight Watchers changing their plan? Um, yeah. Let's make it actually harder to track points and calories with a new system (and not have all their own points and calories completely correct) at the time of the year when it's nearly impossible to estimate the calories associated with the holiday lunch of: pork loin, sweet potatoes, green beans, salmon, and a weird square of what might have wanted to be red velvet cake. Or the two warm mushy homemade cookies they gave us as we left the party.

I'm up to here with personal moving stress, work stress (purely due to my desire to be perfect so we can build up our reputation in the eyes of senior leadership), financial stress, normal holiday stress...yeah, I'm thinking more change associated with a food plan I'd almost gotten down (but had been failing at keeping up with) would just be awesome.

Awesome I tell you.

It makes me want to go eat something immeasurable, just talking about it.

And then...

...my prayers were answered by PC getting a call for an in-person interview here in DC this coming Monday.

1. Yay interview!
2. Yay interview before Christmas which means he might know by Christmas if he had a job and can tell current job to shove it.
3. Yay, bonus free trip to see me for a night!
4. Yay, he arrives on a night in which we could expect our first snowfall. I've never seen snow fall from the sky, so this is actually pretty monumental.

And to think tonight is only the first night of Hanuka*. I can only hope Hanuka Harry's presents get better as the days go by.

*No, I'm not Jewish, I just like to pretend.

I worry

So much is going on in my head, I'm not really sure where to start.

Superficially, let's go with the easy stuff. I've spent the last two weekends, I don't know how many hours and miles of walking, looking for a place for us to live. Actually, I'd say it's been more than even two weekends. After PC's visit this weekend, we visited my final 6. All 6 were voted down. All for valid reasons, of course, but I have to admit I was pretty dejected at the idea I had to start over. Ultimately, I found and signed for our new place just a day later. We'll be living here:

One of those balconies on the 12th floor is ours.

It's admittedly more swanky than any place I ever imagined myself living, and I'd have to imagine PC would say the same thing. The rent on this place is twice my mortgage.

It seems to lack prudence on our part to take on this expense. But, PC and I had a talk this weekend. We agreed we've been 'doing the right thing' and 'being safe' and 'being on hold' for our entire lives. And, the thought of moving into another place that looked and felt temporary would just put our lives on hold further. We won't be having children. We both put money in savings for retirement. We deserve to live. We deserve to have nice things.

That being said, I was promoted this week, and now make more money than I ever have made in my life. I have a job in an industry in which I am unlikely to ever be let go. Conversely, PC's job is on the rocks and he's looking at soon being unemployed with no active prospects. But, we both have great hope that it's just a matter of him moving to Dream State to make the right contacts that will put him in a similar situation to mine.*

Despite all this, I am plagued with guilt. Guilt that I am yanking him out of his home, causing him to sell all of his possessions (he reminded me again, he's sold everything that is his including soon his car and we're keeping all of my furniture and my crappy car), blowing through his (and mine) savings in the coming months while he's nearly unemployed, paying rent/mortgage, and helping with moving expenses, and uprooting his pets. I've even begun worrying about the health of his geriatric cat and how she will handle this move and my responsibility for her demise should the stress be too much.

While he does this mostly without complaint, and I know I am doing it with a pure heart, I am still plagued by endless guilt.

I sometimes wonder when I am going to give in and just undo all I have done and move back to Florida. I sometime imagine my giving notice and returning to my job back there and pretending this was all just a lark. It doesn't matter how many times he tells me he wanted a change and know this will be a good thing or how much I love my job...I still feel guilt. I still wonder if we are on the brink of disaster for making what might be financially unsound decisions when his work is unsure, the economy unstable, and us having limited savings.

It is no wonder why, when my renter for my townhouse gave notice today (whom I expected to be there through at least mid-year of next year), I fell down a deep, deep rabbit hole.

The rabbit hole of fear and guilt and doubt. A rabbit hole in which I couldn't handle basic things like seeing another email pop into my mail box or of sitting through a staff meeting.

Somewhere, outside of my head, I know that things will work out. I know that this is a small bump. I know that we have people who would bail us out if we they had to (though I imagine we'd both file bankruptcy out of pride first).

And so unfortunately, on the coat tails of a promotion, knowing PC is officially moving up before New Years, finding a place that not only works for us but has people who are famous living in it, I worry.

I worry, and worry and worry.

*Current political atmosphere completely being ignored for the sake of not peeing in our cheerios. But Obama...not our bestest friend at the moment.

I can see you

For the last few days, I've debated aloud or in my head this issue of the 'naked scanners'. Truth be told, I don't have a firm side upon which I stand on the issue.

I by no means want to be exploded. As I flew home this weekend, I actually wondered to myself whether you'd be dead immediately if the plane were to explode or if you'd have to live through the fear of falling to the earth knowing there was nearly certain death. Thankfully, PC happened to read an article in one of his 'boy magazines' about how to survive when falling out of a plane.

(Quick tip? Bring goggles. Apparently, your eyes will dry out without them and pretty much all the next steps to surviving the fall will be useless to you if you can't see).

Yes, I know. Uplifting thoughts while flying. As if it wasn't bad enough I'm already scared of mechanical or pilot errors causing us to plummet to our deaths.

I also don't have any serious issue with the whole being naked thing per se. I change openly in locker rooms. I'm not ashamed of my appearance and I don't think people are exactly going out of their way to catch a glimpse of my grainy black and white hoo-ha images.

I think my hang up is, is this truly the only option? Was there no less invasive means to accomplish this level of safety? And, would this method, had it been in place, really have prevented someone getting past security? And I further wonder, if perhaps TSA was better about enforcing lower level security measures whether this one would be needed. Or, on the other hand, if they ultimately enforce this level of security the way they do the lower levels, won't it be a useless, expensive invasion of privacy that statistically is unlikely to pick up the one person in a million that walks through with the equivalent of an underwear bomb?

I think about how only 1 in 10 times does a TSA person notice I have a random lip gloss of less than .5 oz in my purse that I genuinely forgot about and then insists I throw it away because it's not in their m*f*ing pint sized bag. I get the bag is a rule. I also get that it's aimed at being consistent and limiting the amount of liquid we can bring on. But it's not consistently enforced and my lip gloss is clearly no less of a risk because of the super powers of a zip lock bag.

I also wonder about this 'naked scanner', what about the women/teenage girls walking through with sanitary pads? I imagine that looks a lot like a underwear bomb. Are the women going to be asked to remove their underwear to show they're not planning a bombing? Or, will TSA agents guess that the woman is not likely a risk based on some profile...and let her go. Or, how about those wearing adult diapers? Could you imagine the embarrassment of having to tell TSAs that yes, you have an incontinence issue? Do they believe you or do you have to show them your diaper? Will this scanner and the enforcement of it become as inconsistent and useless as the pint bag rule?

I also then begin wondering why it is that there's so much focus on air travel. For one, I get on a metro every day wherein at any given stop, there are as many if not more potential victims than would be on a given aircraft...and yet there's no security measures beyond telling riders to watch for suspicious packages.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating to add metal detectors and naked scanners to my daily commute, but I wonder 'why air?' Hasn't there been as many attempts on other modes of transportation as there has been with air? And why mandate it on the one means of public transportation that you can't avoid? I mean, I can't reasonably choose not to fly from here on out. Driving to California or Greece or the islands just isn't reasonable and/or possible. Conversely, if enforced say on a metro and I didn't want to comply I could choose to walk, bike, drive to work. 

I think another thing that irks me about it is that the government has implemented and has decided we will just have to accept it because it is best for us. It feels parental. And you know, I do appreciate the government looking out for my best interests, and I get that they have more information about the risks than I do, but we're adults. And I think we deserve a discussion and I think we deserve to be told that this is the best they can do right now and that they are looking for less invasive means (and I think that they should be).

And I think that it's going to be unfair that pilots and/or aircrew are trying to opt out. Why are they any less likely to be undercover than me? I mean, seriously, I so badly want that aircraft to stay in the air that I spend most flights lifting up on the arm rests and not going to the bathroom so as not to jostle the plane in any way. In fact, I bet I want it to stay up more than they do sometimes with the way they just wander up and down the aisles and take sharp turns into landing paths to runways.

I find it annoying that the people that are accepting of the scanners are trying to minimize the concerns of those that are questioning the scanners down to 'it's not like TSA is getting off on seeing you naked'. I concur. It's not porn. But do they have the right? Do I not have the right to say no (realizing I cannot not fly to Florida, in which case saying no isn't REALLY an option)? I also find it annoying the self-righteous people that say they will accept any level of invasion that results in them being safe. First, the basic premise here is assuming I like the idea of being exploded. False. And second, that this is the sure fire safety measure that will remove all risk to flying. False.

Because let me let you in on a working theory of mine. I bet you, you have a greater chance of death, statistically speaking, from someone's freaking luggage that they stuffed in the overhead to save the $20 plus dollars on fees falling on your head than someone getting through our security and exploding the plane. So if someone out there wants to make my flight safer - how about we outlaw the damn luggage fees? Side benefit: I bet you wait time through security will drop drastically.

Lessons on clothing

One of the most fascinating aspects of moving to Dream State, is my entirely new education on clothing. I don't think this is fully appreciated by anyone who grew up in the cold or even semi-regularly seeing snow. But here's a few of the things I've found most interesting.

First of all this whole 'layering' business. Overall, I want to punch someone if they say "You just have to layer" when I mention it being cold. I'm sure to people that have lived in this climate knows what this means and is used to it, but I generally just cringe at the idea of how much laundry this layering business is going to generate. But, alas, I've been trying. Now that we're pretty constantly in the 50's now, I don't leave the house with a jacket of some kind at least. I'm also learning the joy of scarves as a useful part of being warm, and a nice color accent. I imagine when I run out of things to match my current scarves it will stress me out. I also pretty much always wear an undershirt of some kind now - right now tanks because it's what I have but I'd really like some long sleeve t shirts. I also have a new appreciation for turtle necks. Before it was an occasional statement, now it's a scarf alternative.  I've also started to understand the mix of sweater content - wool, acrylic, etc - and the impact on warmth.

Add it all together: tank, shirt, scarf, jacket. Sometimes a sweater between the shirt and jacket.

Jackets and gloves can be a fashion statement or functional. I've always thought those suit blazers were a bit much, now I understand they fit into layering. I've also had someone comment on my outter jacket as: Oh, you're going with warm, I'm trying to pull off cute. Normally I'd be offended, but I will say I was in fact warm.

And gloves - my goodness. The need for lining or not, leather or wool, fingers or no fingers or mittens, tops of mittens that detach for fingerless gloves. Match, don't match? How many sets are enough?

I also finally broke down and bought knee high boots. Being someone with thicker calves, I've never thought I'd be able to buy them. But, after some looking around I found a pair that were entirely stretchy that look like suede. I also discovered why people wear skinny jeans - to fit inside said boots. Who knew? That seems much more reasonable of a reason than because the sausage look is in. And, boots also gave new meaning to 'boot cut'. It's not just to balance out the thickness of my legs...it's to fit over boots. Weird, huh?

Oh, and another mystery solved....knee socks. Apparently for wearing under knee high boots.  Crazy.

Trouser socks...I'm still not quite sold. I've put away shorts as that's not even an inkling of a possibility until next year sometime, as well as sundresses and sleeveless shirts.

It made me think

When I was deciding to move to Dream State, I thought about the history, the architecture, the job opportunities, the change in seasons, the wine festivals, the change in general...

What I didn't think about is that Dream State is a hot spot when it comes to being a target for those not thrilled with the US. That attacks, bombs, shootings, and the general desire to have innocent, collateral damage to make a point would become a part of the fabric of my life.

Maybe not every day exactly but having to go through a metal detector every day and having my lunch scanned every morning is just a tiny indicator that the level of danger in my day to day is higher.

When I got a text update this afternoon that police activity was causing a disruption to the metro I take to and from work every day and can be seen from my work window, I didn't think a whole lot about it. I imagined someone getting into an altercation that had to be broken up by the authorities. Not long after the first text, I got another update that my station was being closed due to police activity. Not long after that, another update about a suspicious package.

Making the trek to the window to see for myself what was going on, I could see that police tape had been strung up to block off the roads around my building and a bomb robot was being deployed.

At first, the robot seemed a novel thing that the average person doesn't get to see. Rumors began to circulate that other nearby buildings had been evacuated.

Discussion of an alternate metro came up...but that perhaps a taxi was a better idea...that we should remove our IDs as we exited our offices so as not to draw attention to ourselves...

Fear began to set in.

I realize I didn't become a victim today. I realize that to the best of my knowledge the suspicious package didn't turn out to be a bomb. I realize that everything is ok.

But it made me think. I haven't done anything wrong. I have no strong political stances. Yet, because of where I work, who I work for, and where I live, my life may someday be sacrificed in a war that no one fully understands. In a war that in some ways, only exists in the minds of delusional extremists.

I don't know that I'm too terribly excited about all that.

Though, I am pretty damn excited that PC arrives to visit tonight. I need a hug.

It's weird to think that we're hoping the PC will get news that he'll be layed off in December.

Weirder, I am feeling a bit of anxiety.

Pick a side

I just want to say, first, getting up at 5am to run should count twice. It should count an extra time because it's flipping cold here in Dream State at 5am. Like 50 degrees. In Florida, I had to run at 6am to be in 80 degree weather.

I digress.

So, as you could imagine I'm not terribly pleasant at 5am, especially when I'm running and I'm cold. Weirdly, however, I am by no means the only one out on the road. It is very, very, very weird to me just how many people are on the road running and biking in this freakishly cold weather and freakishly early hour.

Again, not my point.

My point is, anyone on the road running at this hour is by no means a novice. Well, perhaps I sort of am, but I'm considerate. Which counts for 'not novice'. Yet, I cannot tell you how many people I want to push into oncoming traffic because they have no seeming awareness that the sidewalk is actually made for two-way traffic and they aren't a fucking parade.

Today, I'm running along, trying not to freeze and die or die then freeze when I come across three people across worth of runners.

THREE!

Now any normal threesome would see me coming along and one would slow a bit to allow for me to pass.

These bastards did not, and I nearly grazed the building as I tried to squeeze past. Clearly, it was too dark outside still for them to see my death glare of disgust. I cursed them in my head and continued.

I completed my halfway point and started back. I get to a portion of my path that's a bridge. I nice wide bridge made for pedestrians. It's gotten later since I began so there's more pedestrian traffic.

More bikes. More runners. So on, and so forth.

Not so oddly enough, I catch up with my threesome.

Only now they've spread even further apart to utilize all of the bridge space, and continue to cause runners in the opposite direction to squeeze through. However, as a bike whizzed towards them I did notice they quickly moved. I tried to use that little gap of bike space but nearly got squished again.

This time, in my most annoyed voice, I said "excuse me".

I tried to again use my death glare.

Almost done with my run, I'm heading back into civilization only to come across someone coming out of StarSucks in her little business suit (I'm not hating, just describing). And she is literally weaving down the center of the sidewalk looking at her coffee cup.

Um, eyes on the path when walking, Coffee is a-okay without a chaperone. Promise.

So again, I'm trying to judge which side to pass her on. I barely make it past her and I seem to almost frighten her as I jog past. Which, I find particularly odd since I'm by no means a ninja runner. In fact, I've been known to not pick up my feet totally so I make occasional scraping sounds.

Here's what I want to know.

WHY do people seem to be oblivious that there are normal courtesies on sidewalks? I'm not asking for friendly chit chat. I'm asking you to pick a side...it doesn't even have to be the right side. Just a side so that normal people can go about their business and we can all continue to not make eye contact and not make small talk.

Okay?

I'm just saying, I may be from the south, but not the nice part of the south. I'll give you a verbal smack down before 6am without a thought. I'm just biding my time to see if people tend to hit or scratch first.

Thanks, kisses!

Non-negotiable

I had this weird sense of nostalgia today. My college years specifically. In fact, if I hadn't had to wash it, I totally would have been in my college sweat shirt today.

One of the non-negotiables in my future 'permanent' apartment with PC will be an in-apartment washer and drier. In all seriousness, it would not have been a negotiable now if not for the fact that I'm on a month to month lease in a furnished apartment within walking distance of a metro...so something had to give.

Anyway, there is something to be said for being able to do 3 loads of laundry simultaneously...but, I was totally waiting for some random to come talk to me while I was organizing my unmentionables. Talk about peer pressure for getting rid of any of my old, non-VS bras and panties.

Luckily, no one spoke to me over my unmentionables. No clothing appears to have been stolen. Two socks seem to have committed hari-cari and ripped their heels out...which I find extremely odd that two  socks with the same injuries would have shown up in the same load when there was no sign of near-death when I wore them last. But alas. Perhaps socks will be on the list of 'athletic wear for the freaking frozen tundra' that Dream State is quickly becoming.

Fall colors of Dream State

Frankly, things aren't going well in Abbey-land these days. I don't want to write about it here because my thoughts, emotions, and feelings change from hour to hour, day to day. I don't really have a good hold on what's happening, and to what degree it's The Crazy or The Gut.

But, my response to all of it has been an attempt to stay as healthy as possible. Keeping busy, spending time with others, preventing a downward spiral. Today, this is what I went to see...have I mentioned that I love Dream State?

Peek a boo

I don't think I've described my housing situation since I've moved to Dream State. I'm living in what I've been calling corporate housing. What I mean by that is that it's furnished, it's well situated for my work location, and I'm on a month to month basis. What I was looking for was low commitment so that when PC did move up, we could easily find a place together between where we both worked, and so that I didn't have to move anything up with me.

I literally showed up to my place with two suitcases and a carry-on.

Perhaps this is how other corporate housing type places work, I don't know cause this is my first one, but this is how it works here: I searched for corporate housing, found something that met 90% of my requirements, and turned up no negative reviews via google searched. So, I sign this lease sent to me via email. I provide a credit card number in which they bill a reasonable deposit and a signature. They send back the lease copy and a combination code. I arrive to find a lock-box of sorts on the door wherein I enter the code, a little door opens, and I can get the keys that open the door. When it's time to leave, I give notice, clean the place and put everything back where I found it, return the box to the door with the key inside. Deposit is refunded to credit card when it's found ok.

It's brilliant really.

The thing is, I don't know if I'm just not smart, was tired, have little experience with lock boxes, or it was just plain hard...but it actually took me quite a while to get into that bastard little box. And, once you get it open and unlock the door, you have to catch the box because it's basically stuck between the door jam.

Having lived here for nearly a month, I've noticed the doors around me with similar boxes. Every day, I check to see if some the boxes come down, new ones go up. I've also started noticing there's a distinct noise when someone on the hall is going through the little lock-box game. I've also noticed, I have this nearly insurmountable urge to stick my head out the door to see who's 'moving in' to share a little comraderie with people that are also staying here temporarily for whatever reason. So far I've resisted. I wonder what I would have thought as I cursed the little lock to please let me have my key with all my luggage around me, having survived the seperation from PC, the flight, and the cab ride to my new 'home' if someone had poked their head out and said hello (or just took a peek as I would do).

I love what you've done with this!

Like many of us, I tend to dismiss compliments. I tend to assume doing my job is pretty much basic expectations. Friday, I was asked to review a document going to higher levels in my organization.

Having had a bit of the case of the Friday's, I wasn't terribly motivated to work on the document. But, as per my usual approach, I worked pretty efficiently for the last hour and sent it back over the fence with the claim I didn't want to go too far with revisions without checking it was what was desired.

My approach gives the desired appearance of deference and work completed, with the knowledge I won't get feedback until at best Monday. Professionally supported laziness you could say.

This morning I was greeted with the printout of my edits, and the loud compliments of "I love what you did with this paper!"

I was bowled over. Love?

I worked on it intermittently throughout the day, and before Supervisor left for the day I promised a final draft  before I left this evening. Again, I was told I'd done a really great job with it so far, had a way with words that were articulate and politically correct, and presented in a much more professional manner than her usual "slopping it on paper".

Inside I cheered with the rather loud compliments (i.e., anyone in the office at that time of day would have overheard) and cringed with the idea that a PhD with my degree and quite a long history with my industry "slopped" things on paper for upper management. It's no wonder we're often not heard and that hiring me (i.e., my degree) was really going out on a limb.* I have some initial hope that perhaps with some well framed (and professionally presented) ideas, we might get to make some significant changes in the coming year.

God I love my job!

*I've been told on several occasions since starting that while my degree probably has a lot to offer, it's not really well understood in my organization, and therefore not terribly valued. It was apparently a novel thought when during my interview I said that trying to sell my degree to management was less important than just getting the recommendations I have to improve the organization approved...and then if they happened to want to know what my degree was...I'd be happy to enlighten them.

Friend-making is like dating

Making every effort to ward off loneliness in the new city, I've taken to joining these groups with similar interests in which events are planned in advance. Perhaps you've heard of meetup.com?

Anyway, having had some success with the website in old city, I knew it would be the best way to go given:

• I know like 3 people in Dream State
• There is no end in sight for when PC will arrive
• Seasonal depression (which has been hinted at by the locals) mixed with regular propensity for depression shouldn't be fed by too much alone time.

Having attended several of these events, I have to say making new friends is a lot like dating. I hate dating. I like the theory of dating, but the whole: does he like me, what should I wear, where do we go that is neither too expensive nor mc donalds, what do I not reveal too soon, did I make an unfair snap judgement, how true to one's self are you - is just a lot of freaking effort.

I've discovered the same dating hub-bub is true in making friends too. Here's some similarities I've noticed:

1. Online friend making makes you wonder if everyone there is too much of a loser to make friends in person. Then you realize you too are on the website and are conflicted by wondering if you're a loser too or if there are exceptions to the rule (like yourself) that are like gems in the rough that you just have to find by attending many of these dates meet-ups. If you've done Match or eHarmony, you know you eventually have these same thoughts.
2. Dinner at the local Mexican place seems like a great plan and you RSVP: yes. You look forward to the event all week, imagining all the great conversation, and the day arrives only for you to realize you have nothing to wear. What you wear sends a message. Do you want to say preppy? successful? casual? messy? sexy? mexicany? Because these people (or your date) has never met you before, you get to make up new who you are. But before you choose the look, you think through how long you can maintain preppy. You only have one preppy outfit...you get lost in the idea you will have to buy a whole new wardrobe of preppy...but perhaps those attending tonight hate preppy in which case you lose the battle before you start...you begin to consider canceling, but realize you'll never meet anyone in your living room and you've got a great personality so they will love you no matter what you wear. You then realize women are probably more critical than men and wish you were actually going on a date than meeting up with a bunch of women. Perhaps alone and friendless isn't so bad. You promise yourself this is the last event you'll attend just to get through this since you already said yes.
3. You arrive and go through the usual: what do you do? Is this your first event (date)? How long have you lived here? Where did you go to school? What area do you live in? All questions to determine upfront how much effort will be required to be friends if you're determined to be similar-enough-to-me and a good friend match.
4. After about 30 minutes of this, you've pretty much identified if they are duds, potentials, or definite friends. The third category being similar to love at first sight, often described as "I knew I'd marry him when he walked in the door" in the dating realm. This third category is obviously the unicorn of dating and friend making. In the group setting, it has happened that I've actually found them all to be duds and watch the clock wondering how quickly you can return home. However, feeling guilty that perhaps you judged too quickly, you try to find some redeeming qualities. Much like a story Rented Life described, you sometimes agree to meet up again thinking maybe, just maybe, it was just a bad first date meeting. But how many times do you try again before you give up? My rule in dating was three dates, but I often found that it was actually harder to get out of the fourth date because Dud thought there was 'something good between the two of us'. In some cases, you see some potentials.
5. The end of the date meetup arrives, and there's that awkward point where people sort of group up and begin exchanging phone numbers and talk about meeting again outside of the group. You worry that no one will want your number, you worry that the duds will ask for your number, you worry that the potential will not ask for your number, you worry that you will not (and you probably won't) remember the name of the person(s) who ask for your number which makes for awkward cell phone entries. Trust me when I say, I have several entries in my phone with just a few letters and meetup behind it. There's also been several nights where I stood to the side while people exchanged numbers and I just said good night and insisted I had a great night too.
6. Days later, no one calls. You wonder if you should call. You wonder what you should say if you do call...do you suggest an outing? How many meetups are required before you can just call to chat without having to have an outing as a reason to call - the real sign of the transition to friendship.

Allegedly, the effort is worth the outcome.

Watch your step

I spent the week learning how the organization does what I was hired to do. Frankly it was fascinating to see how my degree translates to this industry, when in some ways my degree was created because of this industry.*

In short, I learned a lot but I'm not sure how to take what I learned to make my job more efficient at the moment. In long, I learned that there are people out there in the organization running amok. While that doesn't complete surprise me, it surprises me when I come face to face with one of those people. Many times when this particular person spoke I had to internally just shake my head. Truly an idiot.

When I learned that this person was currently being accused of the one thing you really don't want to be accused of in my industry...it again didn't really surprise me. What did surprise me was that he was personally selected to attend these meetings with me to provide feedback. This confused me because that seems like an opportunity of influence and that didn't really align with what perception I had of this person.

But since it seemed like he had the ear of those in power in my organization, I played nice.**

When I returned to my office this week, two things happened.

First, Idiot sent me job posting for PC that would be perfect for him. Just outside of Dream State, but doable. And, ironically, for an arm of the organization I just left.

This again confused my little perception of idiot. He's in the know, and yet an idiot. He does nice things, and yet I don't want to like him.

Second, my direct powers that be came by to let me know I should keep my distance from Idiot. That Idiot is being watched.

Um. Ok. Yet I was put directly into Idiot's path...and for those of you keeping count, this is the second person I've been told to keep my distance from. I'm beginning to think the key is to keep one's nose to the ground...and yet the social political network has never seemed stronger or more important in my career. I sense the next year will be full of mines.

Does someone have a mine detector they can share?

*I can imagine how that would be a confusing statement if you don't know what I do. And, I don't want to share too much.
**I need to learn to play nice even when I don't think the person has influence.

Walking in the rain

There's certain things you see in movies and sitcoms that I just assume were put in there for dramatic effect. Apparently, that scene where the person walking down the sidewalk in the rain who's just barely holding it all together with their umbrella and bag as they pick their way through puddles and the bus drives by with a huge wall of dirty street water that hits said person...is true.

Ok, in truth I wouldn't say it was actually a huge wall of water but rather a solid annoying splash that landed on the arm of my coat. But still. I lived the scene. Up to this point, I've been extremely entertained by this whole metro-walking commuting business. Opting even to walk the 15-20 minutes from the metro to my training site this week because it was nice weather and sneaky exercise.

I've have clearly been spoiled by the weather. I now understand the need for rain shoes.

It is funny to me that I've spent 99% of my life living in a state known for lighting (and therefore rain), and it is not until I moved to Dream State that an umbrella became a regular item in my bag and that I'm now actively searching for a rain coat and rain boots.

Add to that, I made some funny comment on FB about the puddle scene this morning and a Dream State friend congratulated me on my initiation to the puddles and warned me of the upcoming cold rainy season.

So what I want to know, is what one looks for in a rain boot. Here's two that I'm considering.

Quilted faux-shirling lined boots. Admittedly, LLBean makes me think: frumpy, unfashionable. But, with the potential for cold snow, and rain...this seems like something that looks semi-attractive while being safe and functional.

Conversely, these and these seem more fun and significantly cheaper. Of course, then I worry that 'fun' isn't really the look I'm going for now that I'm  professional verging on my mid-30's.

What do you guys think?

Awkward

There's a bit of a 'situation' at work. As time goes on, the more I think about it, the more I tilt my head and have to wonder.

There's this person at work. About my age, outgoing, a little brash...and someone I took to almost immediately. Seems well intended, motivated (though perhaps for nontraditional reasons).

Then there's the superior (I need a good name, because I sense this will be a regular character). Due to some common ground, we went out for a few drinks. We discovered we had even more in common as it comes to our approach to work.*

Over several more drinks, on top of the other drinks, we begin talking about things we probably shouldn't be. And by that, I mean work. Work gossip and dynamics to be specific.

On my own defense, I will admit I encouraged the conversation because I very much need the intel on who has power, why people behave the way they do (some already somewhat protective of knowledge), and how to move up in my organization.

My guess is that Superior continued to feed me drinks as well, because she wanted to know more about me and probably get a bit of dirt on me...if I'm reading her right anyway.

Unfortunately, I was cognizant enough to know this was probably the intent, but drunk enough to think I could withstand the questions.

But here's the more important situation of the moment. Superior admitted to me that the first girl I mentioned (the one I'd taken to) was someone I should avoid at all costs to not only move up in the organization but also to stay in the organization. Allegedly, my new 'friend' is being watched for a way to move her out of the organization (to put it the PC way). Superior is allegedly concerned that in building a friendship with this person, I could either get a bad rep through association or get pulled into the mess inadvertantly.

My take on this conversation at first was to be greatful that someone is watching out for me and helping me navigate the politics. Though admittedly, I wasn't too thrilled about it because it's like being told that you can't play with the one friend you made on your first week of kindergarten.

The next week comes around - I'm still feeling guilty for having lost my liquor control around Superior - and I get called into her office. The same story of warning is repeated...but this time I'm asked to be a professional and not discuss the information she shared with me to coworker.

As I answered to Supervisor - I have no allegance to any particular other employees so it's in my best interest to keep my mouth shut and move up the chain. But oddly the more I thought about the situation...the more I realized how out of line Superior was. Superior had no real business to share the information with me.

Now it's kind of awkaward for all of us. I'm scared to talk to her or be seen out, and she can't figure out why I'ver become so quite with her.

False alarm

Guess who set off their fire alarm making an innocent hamburger on the stove in a high rise apartment with no windows for cross breezes?

Me.

Seriously, I don't know how the fire alarm picked up the 'smoke'. It wasn't close to burnt, didn't seem to be showing any haze.

I don't know. All I could think was, this CANNOT happen. The building CANNOT be evacuated for my hamburger.

I do know, first time having a place with gas instead of burners does freak me out a bit with its: tick, tick, tick, fffluum.

I imagine, if you have a gas stove, you know those sounds.

No luck...

would have been better than bad luck.

He didn't get the job. Ambiguity extends out into the indefinite forever. Pity party of my own ensued. Tears on the metro home. Entire pizza consumed. Only a large glass of wine drunk.
But to add to it all? Apparently there was an oil rig accident where we're going for our anniversary. It may or may not be ok for us to go. Guess who was too cheap to buy trip insurance?

(me)

Dear Internets and Bloggy gods,

Could we please get some good news today? Please? I've not asked for anything in quite some time, and this would mean a lot to me, my occasional friend Sanity,  my recent friend Insomnia, and of course, PC.

Thanks in advance!

Abbey

Crashing

I awoke at ungodly hour this morning with my dream fresh in my mind, it having weirdly played as if on repeat for the second time. A dream in which the world was coming to an end with the ground literally falling down around us and meteors crashing into buildings. I was torn between accepting the inevitable and creating the lists of things that needed saving. I managed to even feel guilty for things like forgetting the pets, not having backed up pictures...

Wow!

Talk about my mind playing out my feelings huh? Still drowsy but trying to get the dream from replaying yet again, I googled the meaning of the world coming to an end in the dream dictionary.

Apparently, not suprisingly, it represents a feeling of being overwhelmed and a complete lack of control.

Yup think that sums it up. But I gotta say the lack of restful sleep isn't helping anything, so I'd respectfully ask that my brain stick to sharing only new news.

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Views of dream state

Despite my funk this morning, I decided to walk most of the day. A jazz festival, watching kayakers, wandering through stores I don't want to afford, gourmet food shops I dont know what to do with...were among a few of the sights today. A gift for me...a cute dress for tonight's outing with more strangers to a new German restaurant.

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Thinking not required

Mission be-a-rockstar-long-enough-to-create-reputation-so-as-to-slack-for-the-rest-of-my-career is freaking exhausting.

Showing up to work on time.
Turning work in before I'm even asked for it.
Accepting feedback that is unrequested with grace
Redoing work that is brilliant to make it less brilliant without complaint.

Just to name a few things I've been doing for the last few days.

Spent the day in hours and hours of meetings hearing about all the problems within the organization (because it is my job) was also exhausting but in a sick way extremely exciting.

Yay, job security!

I will say, however, one thing I hate the most in a job is fake authority and autonomy. There is little worse than being asked to do something, given full latitude to do it however I see fit...and then after turning in the resultant masterpiece, being told directly how to do it based on what was obviously a clear picture of how it should be done prior to assignment.

Here's the thing, I don't mind doing mindless work. You have a vision, I will carry it out...but please don't make me think when I don't have to. I have facebook statuses that I could be using that mental energy to comment on.

Interestingly, this situation seems reflected throughout the organization based on what I heard today.

Extra yay.

Missing my rock

I seem to be floating on a river of highs and lows as I explore this new job and new city. I am both completely in love with the newness of it all - being a city girl, being on my own even if only temporarily, meeting new people, going to new places....and completely overwhelmed by the newness.

Case in point.

Went to a huge market and fish market this weekend. Required using metros I've not yet used, walking on streets not yet traveled...and resulted in my seeing shrimp that were as big as my hand. Seriously. Look at the palm of your hand. That big.

I've been around when it comes to seafood, and this was a shock that such a thing exists. A thing which I can buy and eat in my very own home.

Also went out with a bunch of girls - yes, strangers through meetup.com - and found a fantastic tapas place and a cool Irish bar with live music. I am infatuated by the fact that I pretty much will never have to worry about drinking and driving so long as I live in this city. Drink + metro = safety (- number of homeless people who are less drunk than  you).

But the truth is, one can only handle so much newness before they crave what is known and comfortable.

And, when I found myself lost with only 20 minutes to return a zipcar without a late fee of $50 (which would probably KILL me to have to pay) and a phone GPS that kept changing her fucking mind about where I should turn and adding another 5 minutes to my return time...I nearly lost it.

Not the car, my sanity.

I ultimately made it, but I can tell you that 'by the skin of your teeth' isn't fun. At all. 

I know that it is out of his control that he's not here, and I know that I have a flight booked to return home next week for our 2 year anniversary vacation...but I miss my rock. I miss what is comfortable. And it is hard not to wish I was home. Especially knowing how much work it was to make Dream State my home. I am mad that I am having to go through this adjustment alone.

Got that guilty feeling

Despite being in Dream State, I'm going to go ahead and complain. The pressure to go out and see things is freaking overwhelming me.

If I were in Florida right now, I'd have gone for a run, had some breakfast, cleaned something, and begun harassing PC to wake up.

In Dream State this morning, I went for a run (which was amazing views and the hills are going to do wonders on my glutes), took the long way home to look at the outsides of some apartments nearby, had breakfast, went to a nearby deli for coffee to look at my apartment guide, and returned home for lunch.

Although I've accomplished the same amount, if not more today, I feel horribly guilty that I'm a little to tired to get on a metro to go visit an outdoor market like I'd planned. Especially because I'm supposed to have dinner plans to meetup with a women's group this evening. Seems like I should conserve energy to be social with strangers tonight.

Tomorrow I may be meeting up with a friend of PC's family who's in town for a conference so I may be forced to 'site see'.

It's just that, with all the excitement of moving up to Dream State cause there's so much to do...you'd think I'd be DOING more.

Here's what you can do with your fee

Everyday here in Dream State is an adventure. Today, I planned to tell you about the cool things I learned at my new job and blah, blah, blah...but the idea was pretty much eliminated about 3 seconds after putting my key in the front door of the new place. You see, even as I put my key in the deadbolt of the door I could feel the bottom door knob (that I don't lock) remain unmoving.

"That can't be" I thought. "I don't have a key for the door knob, so I know I didn't lock it..."

Now, being the new city dweller who knows herself well enough to know that if I go home first, I'd be eating nothing for dinner, I stopped off to do some light grocery shopping. And by light grocery shopping I mean I bought things like frozen meals for lunch, ice cream, and other frozen things. So, in realizing that I couldn't unlock my door I knew things were getting ready to be reaaaallllyyyy shitty.

First, in denial that this door knob could possibly be locked, I tried the keys I owned a few more times. Miraculously, or not, the knob remained unmoved by my efforts. Then, I double checked that I was at the right door. How awkward would that be to try to 'break in' to my neighbor's place?

No avail.

I return to the concierge's desk (whom I already knew had the away sign up) and began searching my emails for a phone number for my landlord. By the turn of bad luck for young dimwitted concierge, he was walking past the desk and received full fledged furry of my door being locked, my groceries melting, and WHO THE FUCK WAS IN MY APARTMENT!

Right. He sent me to the guy in the guard shack in charge of opening my door for the nominal fee of $15.

Oh poor dimwitt. Such the wrong words. I AM NOT PAYING for NOT locking myself out of my apartment. I have my keys. He gave me a number for management 'in the morning when they return' who will likely waive the fee but said guard gate guy had the keys.

Guard gate guy, who didn't have a firm grasp of English, wasn't sure why I was so pissed at him for locking myself out of my apartment while I had keys in hand and why I was refusing to pay his $15.

Fast forward. No one knows who entered my apartment. I didn't pay a fee. I don't know how melted my ice cream is because I decided to eat hummus, pita chips, Riesling wine, and cookies for dinner. And, I sent a pretty nasty email to the landlord about who the hell has access to my apartment and who can enter with no notice.

And, I discovered there was a note about pest control on my counter top in the kitchen.

Clearly the culprit.

So, at 9:30pm, I'm beyond exhausted. Last night I was in bed by 8:30. Jet lag seems to have kicked in without my even having to cross time zones. That, or without PC it's just not worth staying up till 10:30 anymore.

And to top it all off, I found out my puffy bed topper I ordered to put on my rock of a mattress was on hold by Overstock because they wanted to confirm my mailing, billing, and email address. Ugh. Two days shipping delay for that little joy of added security. Thanks OS!

Observations of joe public commuters

This morning's adventure consisted of public transportation. Part of my transition to Dream State is to try out not having a car since I'm living in a very 'walkable' area. Frankly, I've been enamored by the prospect of using the metro to commute to work since I first road it several years back.

Here's my initial observations:

• I can totally pick out the people that are tourists. I hope I don't look too touristy.
• The 'determined walk' from my place to the metro because despite my best intentions I to leave my place early enough to play city-girl and stop by StarSucks for my overpriced coffee and leisurely walk left me damp with perspiration that would potentially plague me all day.
• People make the escalators too much work. I presume the just standing there would make them feel too out of control before they then stood for the next train?
• The ride itself was a great opportunity to try to guess what people did for a living. And to read my book. And to play video games on my phone which has no internet underground apparently.
• I foresee me being so involved with my metro activities that I may likely miss my exit. I suspect that I will not have built time into that day and being very late to work. I am hoping it's not an important meeting day.
• Upon exiting my metro stop, there was a street performer singing "It's a beautiful world" and all seemed right with my world and my decision and I was filled with the excitement of the city. Though seriously, 8am and some guy is out singing? Find a softer box to sleep in cause it's too early to be up and be that cheery.
• Today, due to it being a short orientation day, I got to return during non-rush hour traffic. It was again a great commute back. I dread what real commuter traffic will look like when I'm working real hours.
• Two things stood out in my mind as potential suckage for this commuting thing: rainy days and being miserable sick. Granted my company claims they want you to stay home when you're sick but who wants to spend sick days at home when you can spend them being naughty?

There may be no tears in baseball

There may be no crying in baseball, but I have it on good authority that most of the bravest explorers secretly cried. Because going new places can be scary. In fact, when I suggested that maybe Christopher Columbus might have cried once he left port even though he was probably really excited to reach India (or wherever he was going, history isn't my strong suit...or geography while we're on the topic), PC agreed.

So, though I'd been really solid for the days leading up to my leaving...the day before I'd intermittently break into tears over a FB post, or a song on the radio (It's a Wild World by Cat Stevens, if you want to know). Or, when I came into the office to find my cubicle decorated.

Oh, such a different experience of leaving this job than when I left my grad school job and was harassed by Advisor. Or, when I was layed off from my last job and given mere hours to empty my desk, threatened to be sued if I contacted clients to tell them we'd closed, and told I'd be held to a non-compete for a company that allegedly was closed.

I digress.

Tears over friends telling me how much I meant to them and what an influence I had in their lives. And, friends who wished me genuine good luck in my new position and repeatedly told I'd rock the socks of the new employer. Or, my boss who was near tears with happiness for my new job and my leaving.

More tears, when after a strong morning of finishing up packing and getting us to the airport and having lunch, I could see the security lines and knew I'd be without PC for several weeks (I'm returning to go on our 2 year anniversary trip). Heartbreaking, wrenching tears.

I have to admit, I wondered if crying through security made me more or less suspicious looking.

Once arriving to my new home for the next two months (temporary housing until PC gets a new job and moves up), I sized up the place.

The building is clearly old. I've never lived in a highrise before. I don't fully understand the whole building-controlled airconditioning (and the constant hiss that sounds like I might be being gassed). The new place is small, but adequate for me. The bed is much like a rock. It's in the city so everything is walkable - and is why I didn't bring my car (I'm trying out public transportation to see if I can do it, and save money on ridiculous costs for parking). The view from my window are some of the main sights in the city.

And yet, when I called PC to let him know I arrived...I cried some more. I don't want to embark on this adventure without him. I'm scared that I made this huge move. I'm scared of the perminancy of it all.

And yet...it's probably the coolest thing I've ever done.

Dear God, it's me Abbey.

I just reached hour 12 of the worst work related trip I've ever taken. Seriously.

Started at 10am with a tearful goodbye, and it's now 10pm with me finishing up my layover. The only rationale for why this is happening, other than the almost-ex-job giving me one final FU, is that God was concerned I'd be underwhelmed with San Diego given all the hype so He thought making the trip nearly impossible would make me appreciate it more.

Thanks God.

Tending the fractures

Last night I watched as yet another friend's relationship began to show signs of crumbling. Though not terribly surprising for this couple, it was hard for PC and I not to silently squeeze each other's hand and feel grateful that it's not us. It seems to be bad luck to do it...yet we still exchanged promises that their signs were not true in ours.

It's a reminder of just how fragile relationships are. That as strong as one might appear, there are always at least hairline fractures that must be regularly tended.

Meanwhile, I head out for a week long work trip...returning to only 14 days at home before I permanently relocate to Dream State. So far, no job for PC in Dream State translates to his staying behind. However, there's some promise that that might be changing. It might mean he's merely a month behind me. This time in our relationship, I believe may be out most challenging. We're making our best effort to tend those fractures so that we have the more positive outcome.

RBOFFO

Why is it that it seems like so much effort to come here to type? It's not like I haven't thought about posts, it's just somehow clicking on the link and typing can just seem like way more effort than just hitting refresh on facebook.

Anyway, today my contribution to helping us pack is by helping reduce the backlog of Mike's Hard Lemonade we've had in the fridge for I don't know how long. Course, this seems to be my regular contribution as I've also been trying to reduce our overall liquor collection - single handedly.

 

Seems I feel like no one completely understands the stress of relocating even if it is for your dream job. Sure, I'm excited to be moving to Dream State but the wide, wide range of variables that I have to knock down between then and now make me feel like I am drowning.

 

So here's my random bullets of freaking the fuck out:

• Finding a place that meets my initial criteria within a reasonable distance from public transportation and at a reasonable monthly cost.
• Getting everything packed. Even though PC will be here for several months after I relocate and will be in charge of the final move, I don't fully feel comfortable putting the boxes firmly in his hands.
• Scheduling flights from Dream State to Current State for our annual big trip only 3 weeks after I move to Dream State. Scheduling flights from Current State to annual trip location which happens to be a small island off of South America with few flights in and out.
• Figuring out how to change states of residence. Part of me has been thinking I have time to figure this out, but I report to work the day after I arrive and have to do all those new hire packets that require identification, etc etc.
• Figuring out how to change insurance on the cars, my house as an official rental. Doing other random state things with my car which I only have an inkling that there's something to do, but not what to do.
• Car or no car since parking is not free and one of the places I'm considering is a block from the metro and within blocks of a zipcar hub. I've never used zip cars myself, but PC's sister used it when we visited her last year. If no car, arranging flight to Dream State the weekend before I report to work.
• Facing the very real aloneness of moving to a new city, to a new job, and no real friends in the city. Well, ok some friends. But, no friends that I can admit just how freaking scared I am - old friend from when I lived in Dream City for internship, old friend from Masters Degree School who's interested in me both from a romantic and professional perspective, high school friend whom I haven't seen since we graduated.
• Not knowing how long it will take for PC to get a job and be ready to move. Thanksgiving? Christmas? Will I be flying to his parents house alone and meeting him there? New Years?
• Stress leading to arguments that may be purely due to stress, due to real problems, due to my focusing issues that are not deal breakers but feel like it because my ability to cope is limited, due to warning signs, due to my fear of commitment. All I know is the arguing has flared to near daily.
• Missing current friends in advance. Knowing current friends claiming to come to visit, will likely never visit. Fixing current friendships that have gone into disrepair, but knowing that by moving away the fix will likely not stick and therefore wondering if it's worth the effort.
• Being annoyed with the fact I can't announce my move and new job publicly because of the potential effect it will have on PC's current job. Wondering if the potential effect is real or imagined. Especially annoyed because I can't really have going-away parties if no one knows I am going away. And, I like the idea of seeing the real jealousies of my amazing opportunity in some of my colleagues from school. I know that sounds awful, but I'm thinking the jealousy might make me feel better about my own fears.
• Trying to sell our stuff. Seriously, so much stuff. And really, selling is hard work. Ok, maybe not hard but super time consuming.

 

Talking to renter at my place to discuss my move and whether they plan to renew or not.

 

I'm sure there's more but want to get started on entering recipes on myrecipes.com so I can get rid of some of the paper clutter in my office.

Virtually minimizing

Now that the job is secured, notice has been given, and the fact that I will be moving in t-minus one month, I've begun doing what's been called a virtual garage sale.

Lord knows it's too freaking hot outside to get $1 for your bedroom set.

Instead, I've been taking pictures of things and posting them on our internal work listserve. It's actually been working pretty well, though a bit slower than just putting it all out on the front lawn. Yesterday was a zillion and one pictures of the kitchen stuff like mugs, place settings, crock pots, etc that we don't use and won't have room for when we cut our space down to half we currently have.

Speaking of a bedroom set, we have that and a monstrous humidor that PC thought would be cool to buy but with no actual plan to use (think 10 ft tall by 15 ft long) that just wasn't getting any bites on the work listserve. So, I resorted to Craig's List.

A little history of me and Craig's List (CL). I only discovered the website a few years back when I briefly relocated for an internship. Seems that area of the country uses it quite a bit. I rented a room with reasonable success for 6 months (the stories I could tell you about that experience) and used it to build a social circle through book clubs and women's dinner meetings.

Recently I'd heard a horrible story about a couple that was robbed via CL (and husband was killed), when trying to sell a diamond ring.

Should people sell diamond rings online via something like CL? I don't know, but where is the line of things it is ok to sell/buy from CL? And, are bedroom sets and humidors on that line?

Fast forward to current day. First, I am seeking temporary housing in Dream State until PC can find work. Safe to use CL? Not safe? I don't know anymore. But I do know the difference between doing a furnished condo in Dream State through CL versus renting directly with a 6 month lease or month to month is the difference around $500+ a  month. Second, I'm using CL to sell previously mentioned bedroom set and humidor.

Yesterday, we had a buyer come to see the humidor.

Can I just tell you how freaked out I was that the guy might just be coming to kill us or rob us?

Ah, the tenuous balance between getting reasonable money for your furniture and not ending up dead.

Ultimately, the guy bought the humidor for about $500 less than we'd listed it, but I figure that's a reasonable trade-off for letting us live. Um, I mean, not having to move it to Dream State.

Today, someone is considering coming to see the bedroom set.

Wish us luck!

Holy crap...

...I got it!!!

Negotiations

Since today is supposed to be the day I'm finding out if I'm being extended the offer to Dream State job, I've been thinking a lot about what I want in the form of compensation. I know that many people go the approach of "I want X". I also know that if I was on the receiving end of that statement, I'd scrunch my face at the person and begin to question my extending them the offer.

In order to not be that person, I've considered both what I want and why.

I want a particular minimum salary. Though it's not an employers' problem what it costs me to live, I thought this amount out so I know that I can afford to live in Dream State. It accounts for my local mortgage (should my renters move out), rent in Dream State (which is twice current mortgage), student loan payments, basic utilities, and my typical credit card bill.

Along with this particular salary comes an organizational status. Since status is important for my credibility to those I'll be working with (per my interviewers), I can't decide whether to focus on the dollar amount or the status. Either way, I'll be arguing based on my experience - not things that could be perceived as superficial to the organization like cost of living and credibility.

Up front they've said they will support my attending my industry's annual conference. In order to attend, I must be a member. In order to be a member, I have to be a member of another related society. And, there's another society that is super related to Dream State job that I'd never pay for personally. However, I would like to ask for membership to be paid for both (all three seems greedy). All in all, only a $400 request.

Related to attending the conference already mentioned (considering registration, hotel, flight, per diem), I'd like to attend one additional conference of my choice annually. Probably more of a $3000 request for both.

What do you consider fair game in negotiations?

(In this type of an organization, vacation days and sick days are non-negotiable. Trust me, I've tried with current job)

Stress

I don't know what's more stressful.

The continued buildup of blog posts from everyone that I can't seem to get through (seriously, shorter novels there folks) or the fact I cannot find my passport and scuba dive card to be able to book my flights for two months from now or the fact that somewhere between tomorrow and Friday I should know if I'm moving to Dream State.

Better than a PR

I ran my first 5k by myself this weekend.

Well, not completely by myself. As in, there were 3 other girls and a couple that ran it as well partially upon my request.

But, it was the first time I ran it without making a pact to run with whomever was with me until the very end. No matter how fast or slow the other was, we were finishing together.

This was hard thing for me to do given that I do the 5ks not for any time goals, but rather as a social means of making me get up most mornings to run. Besides, it's nearly impossible to lose if you're running together. Being someone rather performance oriented, I'm always thinking about the win-lose component...even if we claim not to be keeping score.

That being said, as we started off the 5k, I stuck with as many of the people I knew as I could.

One I'd run with before. One I didn't think trained at all and probably wouldn't have the stamina to go very long. And one, well...let's just say I didn't say.

When the one I'd been most inclined to stick with the race stopped to fix her pony-tail, I kept my pace. And pace I did. Eventually, I caught up with the one (and passed) I thought didn't train (phew).

And so I continued. Just me, the road, the finish line, and the other hundreds of strangers.

I ran. I ran. I walked. I ran. I walked. I ran and ran. And then I came around what I thought was the last corner...and I booked it. Running like the wind. Mentally pushing me to go just a tiny bit faster. Came upon the 3 mile marker (a little exhausted with the idea that the end wasn't where I thought it was) and went a little faster. I tried to remember just how much longer than 3 miles a 5k was. I tried to think about all the things I'd read in my running magazine about form and the mental strategy of 5ks.

I crossed the finish line strong, pushed to my limit, but proud.

I can't tell you if it was a personal record (PR) cause I don't usually pay any attention or remember the number terribly long. But I can tell you I finished 5 minutes before the first next friend crossed the line.

But the thing that stands out about this race was more that I did it for me. There was no running partner. There was no cheerleader (i.e., PC waiting for me at the end). Just the feeling that I knew I could run this fast and finish this strong. That I was strong. And that, my friends, was better than any PR or any winning.

In love

Second interview in Dream State yesterday. As I was climbing into bed out of pure exhaustion last night, it was weird to think that I'd traveled across the country (vertically, not horizontally) and back in a day.

Generally, I think it went well. I don't think I'm in love with the new supervisor, but I liked supervisor's supervisor, and super super supervisor.

I'm in love with the location - only a block from a major site and the most gorgeous gardens that scream "have lunch here!!!" And more importantly, I am in love with the job - in love in the sense that it's a text-book disaster that will provide years and years of things for me to work on.

As I was running this morning, I was kind of reflecting on yesterday. What I learned. What I saw. What I heard. What I said (damn internal critical monologue).

In sum, what makes me nervous about the job is:

I get the feeling it's kind of like when someone has gone through a bad break up, thinks they really want to be in a new relationship but isn't ready, and so when they date (i.e., interview) they ask all the questions they thought would have prevented the first breakup, and just turn out being seen as bitter by their date. I get a strong sense of hurt, disappointment, and fear around the person's decisions to leave who I'd be replacing.

My gut says yellow. My heart says green. My sense of risk avoidance says orange (more because of cost and effort to relocate).

And PC? Well, he's taken a first step towards finding new work in Dream State. Many more steps to go - but I'm proud of him nonetheless.

I'm the boss of me

Did you know that you lose most of what you learn from training within a week?

I didn't. I don't know I completely believe it either (depending heavily on the content and quality of the training), but in an effort not to lose the benefit of my Seven Habit of Highly Effective People (SHHEP) I thought I'd document some of my efforts here. I have a 'contract' with one of my classmates to follow up weekly but truthfully...as someone who is a known performance-oriented person I will not fail in front of my contractee and will only admit to carefully scripted failure if forced.

(Um, the fact that shortens down to sheep is not lost on me)

Alrighty, so this week is about circle of influence versus circle of concern. Those things which I can directly influence versus those things that might effect me but I have no control over. As an example, my flight being late is in my circle of concern (affects me but I cannot make it be on time) versus my decision of what to do with the time I've 'gained' because of the late flight (e.g., drink, make friends with co-passengers, read).

Things in my circle of control:

• How I spend my time - right now, I spend too much time on FB. I could be spending that time one things that will benefit me like reading, writing, spending time with actual friends not virtual friends, sleeping more, working out more).
• What I put in my mouth - seems now that I've reached my goal weight and reset a new one that I'm not totally buying into new goal weight. The key here is I need to decide if current weight is satisfactory, or if I want the lower weight. Because, if I don't really want the lower weight, I am mentally beating me up for my eating habits unnecessarily. So, in the meantime I'm being less careful about my calories...which leads to the next thing...
• Degree to which I work out - last week with having to be into the office earlier my morning workouts dropped off. And, because I wasn't going to bed earlier to make up for the earlier hours, by the time I got home I was too tired. But the thing is, working out is finally to the point where it feels good and I want to get back to it (course, massive fail this morning because I didn't set my alarm and by 9am when I woke up it's just too hot to go run).
• How clean I keep my stuff - the house being clean is a regular point of contention in my household. But, I played a little game with myself a few weeks back and just picked up my stuff. I decided, I can't really complain at PC if my stuff was laying around - so to be able to make the point that PC needed to pick up more while making sure my kettle wasn't black, I picked up only my things. I'm a little embarrassed to tell you how much cleaner the house was. Um, yes, I am guilty of being a slob.
• How I perform at work - ok, this is a tough one. I don't like my job. I don't like the bureaucracy of the organization and I think it leads to inefficiency. I don't think high performance leads to improved chance of promotion (because there are no promotions available) or raises (raises are based on tenure). Further, I seem to be praised regularly for doing nearly nothing so I'm not terribly motivated to perform more when I'm already seemingly well appreciated. All that being said, as a professional. I am not behaving well. I can blame it on my environment. But in truth, I know better. If I was a boss, I'd expect better. So, less FB at work, less socializing at work, and less fanning the flames. More doing the things that they send me a paycheck for. And you know what, even if I don't get promoted or raise for it, I can feel less fear that I'm going to be reprimanded for performance reasons every time my phone rings and every time an email pops up and I can STOP FEELING GUILTY.

And, lastly. Stop trying to influence others' behaviors.

Did you hear that?

This week I had an opportunity to take the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I can't tell you how thrilled I was to get picked to get to attend for work. Granted there's a large chance I won't ever have a chance to use it with them...but...well, I've got nothing...it does in fact suck for them and their resources.

Anyway, one of the skills I'm practicing is this empathetic listening. I gotta admit. Empathy isn't a strong point of mine. I'm very guy like in the sense that I hear the problem, listen, and then move into fix it mode. In fact, I often find it hard to be listened to empathetically because I don't want someone to 'hear that I'm frustrated', I want to hear what the solution is.

This approach hasn't worked well with PC and his job troubles - to the point he often won't discuss work with me because he knows it will lead to me asking what he plans to fix it, accept it, or find a way out. Which to me is the most logical set of responses.

Basically, the skill is about listening and reflecting back the emotion that you hear in an effort to let the person feel heard and understood. I've been using it for the last few days with some limited success. The hardest things for me are to 1) not move into solutions and 2) not give examples of similar experiences unless asked.

I'm finding it even harder as I watch the person I love engage in behaviors that scream "BURNOUT!!" and not be able to help him prioritize. When I watch him perform tasks that are important to others but that do not align to what is important to him or us it is frustrating. I want to share with him the skills and lessons I've learned in the last week...but instead I sit and try very hard to empathetically listen.

Cleaning out the cobwebs

It seems counter intuitive to continue unpacking when I may be repacking in about 2 months. But, I am. Mostly now in an effort to reduce the amount of crap I have. I've been reading this book - Find More Time at Home - which turns out to be an organization book. Based on a little quiz (I love quizzes like these), my biggest time suck is paper and clutter.

Shocking. I know.

Anyway, when I think about it I'd say that I easily have 4 boxes alone for my office that contains papers and notes I used to study for my qualifying exams about 4 years ago. Honestly speaking, I have in fact referenced them since I finished the exams.

Once.

For PC because he wanted to become familiar with a particular area that is common in my industry. And, given that all my notes are divided up across 25 areas of my specialty, it was actually pretty handy.

So, I've decided to compromise. I don't want to lug these damn massive notebooks of notes that I might reference once every 4 years for the rest of my life. I especially don't want to pay to have them moved should we move to Dream State, or even dream house (if we stay here but get a new 'our' home). The compromise is (and this isn't necessarily advocated by the book, and may be a huge time suck of its own) is to scan all my articles and notes. That way, I have them and if need be reference them. But they'll be a nice compact file.

And, to make sure this isn't a huge waste of time that is lost when my computer (God help me) crashes some day, I even bought a little external hard drive to back up my stuff.

I know, I know. This is big.