Missing my rock

I seem to be floating on a river of highs and lows as I explore this new job and new city. I am both completely in love with the newness of it all - being a city girl, being on my own even if only temporarily, meeting new people, going to new places....and completely overwhelmed by the newness.

Case in point.

Went to a huge market and fish market this weekend. Required using metros I've not yet used, walking on streets not yet traveled...and resulted in my seeing shrimp that were as big as my hand. Seriously. Look at the palm of your hand. That big.

I've been around when it comes to seafood, and this was a shock that such a thing exists. A thing which I can buy and eat in my very own home.

Also went out with a bunch of girls - yes, strangers through meetup.com - and found a fantastic tapas place and a cool Irish bar with live music. I am infatuated by the fact that I pretty much will never have to worry about drinking and driving so long as I live in this city. Drink + metro = safety (- number of homeless people who are less drunk than  you).

But the truth is, one can only handle so much newness before they crave what is known and comfortable.

And, when I found myself lost with only 20 minutes to return a zipcar without a late fee of $50 (which would probably KILL me to have to pay) and a phone GPS that kept changing her fucking mind about where I should turn and adding another 5 minutes to my return time...I nearly lost it.

Not the car, my sanity.

I ultimately made it, but I can tell you that 'by the skin of your teeth' isn't fun. At all. 

I know that it is out of his control that he's not here, and I know that I have a flight booked to return home next week for our 2 year anniversary vacation...but I miss my rock. I miss what is comfortable. And it is hard not to wish I was home. Especially knowing how much work it was to make Dream State my home. I am mad that I am having to go through this adjustment alone.

RBOFFO

Why is it that it seems like so much effort to come here to type? It's not like I haven't thought about posts, it's just somehow clicking on the link and typing can just seem like way more effort than just hitting refresh on facebook.

Anyway, today my contribution to helping us pack is by helping reduce the backlog of Mike's Hard Lemonade we've had in the fridge for I don't know how long. Course, this seems to be my regular contribution as I've also been trying to reduce our overall liquor collection - single handedly.

 

Seems I feel like no one completely understands the stress of relocating even if it is for your dream job. Sure, I'm excited to be moving to Dream State but the wide, wide range of variables that I have to knock down between then and now make me feel like I am drowning.

 

So here's my random bullets of freaking the fuck out:

• Finding a place that meets my initial criteria within a reasonable distance from public transportation and at a reasonable monthly cost.
• Getting everything packed. Even though PC will be here for several months after I relocate and will be in charge of the final move, I don't fully feel comfortable putting the boxes firmly in his hands.
• Scheduling flights from Dream State to Current State for our annual big trip only 3 weeks after I move to Dream State. Scheduling flights from Current State to annual trip location which happens to be a small island off of South America with few flights in and out.
• Figuring out how to change states of residence. Part of me has been thinking I have time to figure this out, but I report to work the day after I arrive and have to do all those new hire packets that require identification, etc etc.
• Figuring out how to change insurance on the cars, my house as an official rental. Doing other random state things with my car which I only have an inkling that there's something to do, but not what to do.
• Car or no car since parking is not free and one of the places I'm considering is a block from the metro and within blocks of a zipcar hub. I've never used zip cars myself, but PC's sister used it when we visited her last year. If no car, arranging flight to Dream State the weekend before I report to work.
• Facing the very real aloneness of moving to a new city, to a new job, and no real friends in the city. Well, ok some friends. But, no friends that I can admit just how freaking scared I am - old friend from when I lived in Dream City for internship, old friend from Masters Degree School who's interested in me both from a romantic and professional perspective, high school friend whom I haven't seen since we graduated.
• Not knowing how long it will take for PC to get a job and be ready to move. Thanksgiving? Christmas? Will I be flying to his parents house alone and meeting him there? New Years?
• Stress leading to arguments that may be purely due to stress, due to real problems, due to my focusing issues that are not deal breakers but feel like it because my ability to cope is limited, due to warning signs, due to my fear of commitment. All I know is the arguing has flared to near daily.
• Missing current friends in advance. Knowing current friends claiming to come to visit, will likely never visit. Fixing current friendships that have gone into disrepair, but knowing that by moving away the fix will likely not stick and therefore wondering if it's worth the effort.
• Being annoyed with the fact I can't announce my move and new job publicly because of the potential effect it will have on PC's current job. Wondering if the potential effect is real or imagined. Especially annoyed because I can't really have going-away parties if no one knows I am going away. And, I like the idea of seeing the real jealousies of my amazing opportunity in some of my colleagues from school. I know that sounds awful, but I'm thinking the jealousy might make me feel better about my own fears.
• Trying to sell our stuff. Seriously, so much stuff. And really, selling is hard work. Ok, maybe not hard but super time consuming.

 

Talking to renter at my place to discuss my move and whether they plan to renew or not.

 

I'm sure there's more but want to get started on entering recipes on myrecipes.com so I can get rid of some of the paper clutter in my office.

Done

"I am not perfect and have never claimed to be. I did the best I could to raise you with self esteem, pride in your accomplishments and the strength to accomplish all your dreams. Yes, I made mistakes. We all do. Of course you will never have to learn that as you are too selfish to ever have children of your own.


If you cannot respect me for who I am, then so be it, but, do not go out of your way any longer to spew your hatred to others and don't bother trying to prove your hatred to me, I am so fully aware of it you have no idea.


I am sorry I failed you and wish you only the best.
Mom"
 
Here's my interpretation of the small excerpt from my mother's response to my email that I hoped she had a nice day on that day that was Mother's Day.
 
Woh is me, woh is me. I was a great mom and have no responsibility for this unexpected dislike of me.
You're to selfish to have children so you don't know how hard my job was.
If you can't love me for being someone who's not only dependant on the state for income and someone who has figured out all the loopholes to screw the system but who writes these hateful emails when you don't behave according to my internal script or don't lend me money when I haven't gotten enough from the state, than fine. I'll just eat worms.
Woh is me, woh is me.
 
Mom
 
To selfish to have children, huh? Really, a big part of it is I don't want to continue to lineage of the poor parenting that I experienced. I have had no good role models of what parenting looks like, and I want no part in causing the pain and mental anguish that has been my childhood and adulthood of trying to please a mother that was INSANE. Well, except PC but I figure he has free will to leave if I get too out of control.
 
So, I thought I was done before. But now I really am. I responded only that she should no longer send emails or calls as I will no longer accept the abuse. Which, I might add, went over REALLY well. But instead of doing a point by point recap of how she was insane, I reiterated that I was no longer accepting emails or phone calls. Because I am done accepting the abuse. Because that is what it has been. Mental abuse. 
 
I have no mother. I have no responsibility for her health, well being, or whatever the fuck else she does with her final years.
 
Angry? Yes. In anguish that it came to this? Most definitely.
 

How often can you wonder if you're really happy, and it still be normal? And, does having that thought mean you're not happy? Should you just know you're happy? And if you determine you're not happy, how does one determine if it's situational unhappy or forever unhappy? By situational, I mean that the unhappy could be just transient or could be strongly effected by external variables that you may not be consciously aware of.

UHLB

One thing I love about gardening is that I can just garden - the thoughts that pop up while pruning, digging holes, and weeding tend to be the most productive because they're unforced.

Today, however, it wasn't working.

Today, as we all know, was mother's day. And, the most snarky of thoughts that popped into my head was that I didn't see anyone on FB complaining it was another Hallmark holiday like they did about Valentine's Day. But, I suppose that's because most people like their mother's at least. 

I've come to accept that I do not. My niceties with my mother are generally motivated by preventing nasty emails or voice mails or out of guilt that she has no other children or family that cares. And, I suppose because, as I've been been reminded several times, "Well, she did give birth to you."

Let's consider that for a moment.

How long does she get credit for that exactly? Because really, comparatively speaking, even if she spent 10 hours in labor 33 years ago, I've spent the last 8 years in therapy trying to undo what she's done in my head.

The fact that she gets to behave like a child and block my emails when she's said some mean things. That she gets to make me feel guilty for having a relationship with her family, but then says I treat her family with disregard on holidays (most recently, Easter). That I have to feel guilty for having a relationship with my father's family, and PC's family for that matter.

And that even in my complete disgust, I spent my day trying to forget that I was being "an ungrateful, hateful, little bitch" because I was refusing to call or email her...of which either would have been met with reminders of how she is spending the day alone...and ruined a perfectly gorgeous day in the sun playing with my plants.

You don't want to know how many times that phrase has been uttered to me: An ungrateful, hateful, little bitch.

I guess I just want to know how long I need to be grateful, when there's just so much that I've had to tolerate.

Time of the Month

Despite losing yet another 1.4 pounds this week...I cannot stop eating. Seriously. I even succumbed to the delicioso Skittles which should never have even been in my cubicle to tempt me.

I blame TOM, which has finally arrived.

While we're blaming TOM, I'd add a couple other things that TOM made me do today.

One, not letting go of an argument with my mother. She was wrong. Very wrong. This isn't even just an interpetation of her being wrong. And, I'm tired of it.

I feel like we've been fed this bullshit were we have to accept treatment that we'd never accept from anyone else, except family. I called her on it. You could say, I'm not picking up what she's putting down.

She went the low road and blocked any further emails from me.

I see it as win-fucking-win.

Right, the Skittles fiasco.

Oh, the other thing TOM did. Freaking got me all melancholy about my job.

My job is ok. It's safe. I make pretty good money. I seem to be pretty good at it even though I'm not usually sure what I'm doing. But, it's not what I love. It's what I did when I needed to pay bills after getting laid off. It's what I rationalized would round out my experience to prepare me for a nice high end corporate job. However, it's not rounding out my job skills. Or, at least not ones I desired. It's distancing me from the type of work I wanted to be doing. It's making me be a less productive person.

But it's safe. The hours aren't bad. I get a lot of vacation time.

But, is 32 the time to be safe?

TOM thinks not.

Passing

How is it that the calling card of that-time-of-the-month tends to be an overwhelming sense of inadequacy?

As many other PhDs have mentioned, I generally believe that someday, I'll be outted as incompetent for the degree I hold. There's no rational basis for that fear, it's not like I didn't do the coursework or pass the exams...it's just a constant underlying fear. Yet, as my TOM gets near, the inadequacy rises to the top.

Yesterday, I had my monthly meltdown. Frustration that I don't know how to do major functions of my job (the benefit of focusing on theory over practice in our program) and the inability to admit to anyone that I don't know what I am doing. And, as I move forward in the organization it's becoming harder and harder to hide it. Frustration that I don't have the support I need. Frustration that perhaps this organization isn't where I should be, that this job was never what I wanted to do...but with no idea where to go instead.

Yet today, my mood picked up. My sense of inadequacy simmered down. I know I'm not completely in the clear. But, I know it's a matter of waiting until the period passes...