One thing I love about gardening is that I can just garden - the thoughts that pop up while pruning, digging holes, and weeding tend to be the most productive because they're unforced.
Today, however, it wasn't working.
Today, as we all know, was mother's day. And, the most snarky of thoughts that popped into my head was that I didn't see anyone on FB complaining it was another Hallmark holiday like they did about Valentine's Day. But, I suppose that's because most people like their mother's at least.
I've come to accept that I do not. My niceties with my mother are generally motivated by preventing nasty emails or voice mails or out of guilt that she has no other children or family that cares. And, I suppose because, as I've been been reminded several times, "Well, she did give birth to you."
Let's consider that for a moment.
How long does she get credit for that exactly? Because really, comparatively speaking, even if she spent 10 hours in labor 33 years ago, I've spent the last 8 years in therapy trying to undo what she's done in my head.
The fact that she gets to behave like a child and block my emails when she's said some mean things. That she gets to make me feel guilty for having a relationship with her family, but then says I treat her family with disregard on holidays (most recently, Easter). That I have to feel guilty for having a relationship with my father's family, and PC's family for that matter.
And that even in my complete disgust, I spent my day trying to forget that I was being "an ungrateful, hateful, little bitch" because I was refusing to call or email her...of which either would have been met with reminders of how she is spending the day alone...and ruined a perfectly gorgeous day in the sun playing with my plants.
You don't want to know how many times that phrase has been uttered to me: An ungrateful, hateful, little bitch.
I guess I just want to know how long I need to be grateful, when there's just so much that I've had to tolerate.
I'm sure your therapist has given you many ways of dealing. I'm sure some have worked, but I wouldn't know, as I do happen to have a great relationship with my mother. I'm fortunate that way I guess, actually, with all three of my moms (adopted, bio, and step).
ReplyDeleteIn the end, I'm sure you've fought too much. Do what works for you - and if that means no communication, for your sanity, then do just that. JUST because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she was a mother (again, this coming from an adopted girl knowing her bio mom for almost 12 years now...).
You have no reason to feel guilt for someone who gave birth to you. Raising kids and giving birth are completely unrelated.
Ungrateful? Apparently so is she for having such a fabulous daughter.
I like to garden for the same reason. Plus, I can be as creative as I want, and if it looks weird, who cares? I have flowers!
ReplyDeleteI think there's a different between a mom and someone who gave birth but otherwise makes your life miserable. We don't really allow for this kinds of discussions when talking about parenting and motherhood, but it's the reality. Some parents are simply that b/c of genetics, not because they did anything right after that. K's right.
Don't feel guilty, You have permission to stop after the second time you were called an ungrateful bitch. (Always worth a shot to try once, after the first time. The second time though? too far.)