How is it that the calling card of that-time-of-the-month tends to be an overwhelming sense of inadequacy?
As many other PhDs have mentioned, I generally believe that someday, I'll be outted as incompetent for the degree I hold. There's no rational basis for that fear, it's not like I didn't do the coursework or pass the exams...it's just a constant underlying fear. Yet, as my TOM gets near, the inadequacy rises to the top.
Yesterday, I had my monthly meltdown. Frustration that I don't know how to do major functions of my job (the benefit of focusing on theory over practice in our program) and the inability to admit to anyone that I don't know what I am doing. And, as I move forward in the organization it's becoming harder and harder to hide it. Frustration that I don't have the support I need. Frustration that perhaps this organization isn't where I should be, that this job was never what I wanted to do...but with no idea where to go instead.
Yet today, my mood picked up. My sense of inadequacy simmered down. I know I'm not completely in the clear. But, I know it's a matter of waiting until the period passes...
A small bit of the crazy eh? :)
ReplyDeleteWe all have it. We all go through it. I do the same thing at my new job.
Then i see someone else struggling and I realize... we all go through it.
Thank you! It's not just me!!! I've learned it's far better to warn husband of the week of insecurity because he's more patient.
ReplyDeletek - Usually my Crazy is boy related. I'm grateful that I've moved to a new kind of Crazy. At least for now. :)
ReplyDeleteRented life - I hadn't considered warning him. But, interestingly, when I confide in my insecurities (i.e., melt down unexpectedly), PC often admits he has the same feelings. Perhaps we're all insecure and scared to talk about it?
I'd buy that. It's takes some asking but husband will say when he's feels insecure about something. I warn simply because I know I get a little extra emotional and him having a heads up is better than wondering what he did wrong when nothing really happened!
ReplyDelete