I worry

So much is going on in my head, I'm not really sure where to start.

Superficially, let's go with the easy stuff. I've spent the last two weekends, I don't know how many hours and miles of walking, looking for a place for us to live. Actually, I'd say it's been more than even two weekends. After PC's visit this weekend, we visited my final 6. All 6 were voted down. All for valid reasons, of course, but I have to admit I was pretty dejected at the idea I had to start over. Ultimately, I found and signed for our new place just a day later. We'll be living here:

One of those balconies on the 12th floor is ours.

It's admittedly more swanky than any place I ever imagined myself living, and I'd have to imagine PC would say the same thing. The rent on this place is twice my mortgage.

It seems to lack prudence on our part to take on this expense. But, PC and I had a talk this weekend. We agreed we've been 'doing the right thing' and 'being safe' and 'being on hold' for our entire lives. And, the thought of moving into another place that looked and felt temporary would just put our lives on hold further. We won't be having children. We both put money in savings for retirement. We deserve to live. We deserve to have nice things.

That being said, I was promoted this week, and now make more money than I ever have made in my life. I have a job in an industry in which I am unlikely to ever be let go. Conversely, PC's job is on the rocks and he's looking at soon being unemployed with no active prospects. But, we both have great hope that it's just a matter of him moving to Dream State to make the right contacts that will put him in a similar situation to mine.*

Despite all this, I am plagued with guilt. Guilt that I am yanking him out of his home, causing him to sell all of his possessions (he reminded me again, he's sold everything that is his including soon his car and we're keeping all of my furniture and my crappy car), blowing through his (and mine) savings in the coming months while he's nearly unemployed, paying rent/mortgage, and helping with moving expenses, and uprooting his pets. I've even begun worrying about the health of his geriatric cat and how she will handle this move and my responsibility for her demise should the stress be too much.

While he does this mostly without complaint, and I know I am doing it with a pure heart, I am still plagued by endless guilt.

I sometimes wonder when I am going to give in and just undo all I have done and move back to Florida. I sometime imagine my giving notice and returning to my job back there and pretending this was all just a lark. It doesn't matter how many times he tells me he wanted a change and know this will be a good thing or how much I love my job...I still feel guilt. I still wonder if we are on the brink of disaster for making what might be financially unsound decisions when his work is unsure, the economy unstable, and us having limited savings.

It is no wonder why, when my renter for my townhouse gave notice today (whom I expected to be there through at least mid-year of next year), I fell down a deep, deep rabbit hole.

The rabbit hole of fear and guilt and doubt. A rabbit hole in which I couldn't handle basic things like seeing another email pop into my mail box or of sitting through a staff meeting.

Somewhere, outside of my head, I know that things will work out. I know that this is a small bump. I know that we have people who would bail us out if we they had to (though I imagine we'd both file bankruptcy out of pride first).

And so unfortunately, on the coat tails of a promotion, knowing PC is officially moving up before New Years, finding a place that not only works for us but has people who are famous living in it, I worry.

I worry, and worry and worry.

*Current political atmosphere completely being ignored for the sake of not peeing in our cheerios. But Obama...not our bestest friend at the moment.