Sell out

I've been having these thoughts for about a month. And for the same month, I've been trying to put my finger on what the thoughts meant in the larger scheme of things.

In short, I think I've been selling myself out.

What does that mean?

Well, I went to grad school and sacrificed for 9 long years. I sacrificed my social life, my mental and physical well being, my pride, the opportunity to be debt free, a work history longer than 3 years at the age of 33, and so many other intangible things. I sacrificed willingly.

I did so because I never once wanted someone to say no to me because my education or credentials didn't match up with some amazing job I wanted. I did so because I wanted an enviable, powerful, great paying job that took me around the world (I'd bring that down a couple notches now). I also did so because I'd had so many horrible experiences in my work-life that I wanted to make things better.

A little less than a year ago, unhappy with my current job, I applied to what I thought was my dream job. The current job being one that paid the bills. The current one being one that seemed great on paper, but just wasn't what I look forward to getting up for in the morning. And, for me, I went to school and sacrificed so that I didn't have to suffer through whatever I could find. So, nearly a year ago, in a sad depressed 'I have to get out of here' state of mind, I applied out.

I was rejected. Rejected not for a lack of skill or credentials, but for a piece of red tape that was truly unfair in my case. I nearly quit my job that day, because it was my current job that made me ineligible for my dream job.

Eventually, I worked through my emotions and actually came to find my supervisor was willing to work with me to expand my role into things I found more interesting. And, as I gained tenure in the organization, I found that there are benefits to my current job that just can't be found elsewhere. My satisfaction, oddly enough, increased.

And that, my bloggy friends, is about the time I sold me out. I sold my dreams for vacation time and a flexible schedule and security of maintaining a job that was ok. It is ok. And, perhaps my sacrifice all those years earned me the ability to pull down a job such as this. But, everyday I lust after the jobs of my classmates and friends, knowing that they secretly probably hate their jobs as well.

Perhaps it is stupid. Perhaps I will regret it. But, when I think of spending another year at my current organization, getting further and further away for the work that I love, becoming increasingly irrelevant in my areas of interest, I get scared. I get scared when I think that a year from now I may be even more apathetic and even less likely to try to bust out.

And so, with months of thought and debate, I went ahead and applied to a job that I would love in a state that I would love*.  Which explains my post from yesterday. I think with my application filling-out approach, I may have self-handicapped my likelihood of actually being considered for said job - but at least I have taken a baby step towards being a little more true to me.

*Yes, PC knows of the potential move and has been looking for work in the same area. We've discussed at a high level how we'd handle our living/housing situation here locally. So yes, he'd be coming with me.