The sun will come out...

...tomorrow. When I interview. Again. And, I'm days away from what I think will be another invitation for another interview at a new company.

I guess I should not complain about the effort of interviewing when I just recently got done complaining about all the applying.

In other news, mean team member is in fact changing teams. Effective today. There's some amusing drama around it but suffice it to say Boss is back to liking me. While I'm not a fan of Boss' drastic flip flopping based on where the wind blows, I do like not being on the shit list.

It's a start

I got an interview.

Not my favorite place or my favorite of positions...but it's a start.

Next week.

Sometimes you reach the end of your rope

Sometimes when you reach the end of your rope, like yesterday, someone reaches out and makes things a little better or a lot better depending on perspective. I know I can't always count on this type of thing but today:

1. Someone higher in the organization made sure I attended a meeting my super had uninvited me to - because the leader thought I added value. In fact, after the meeting, I was thanked for attending.
2. Mean coworker might be transferring to another team. It is up in the air, but I'm strongly supporting the move. 
3. I sense from some body language and resistance to speaking about the topic, that one person on my team who is notorious not only for not doing the job but also getting us into trouble for the work that falls under the person - may be fired. It's unusual to get fired in this industry so I have to admit - this is kinda a big deal that it's even being insinuated to be happening. 

Oh, and PC invited me into the city tonight after work to explore and have dinner.

I think new moms and married people call that 'date night'.

We call it Tuesday.

It's getting old

It's getting very old. This applying to new jobs. I've easily applied to another 5 positions since last I wrote here.

I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of revising resumes and cover letters. I'm tired of getting my hopes up that THIS one will get through. One I applied to last week was perfect. Good job, good location, good pay, and perfectly amazing company in which I'd likely spend most of my salary on their products. Today though, I looked for the job announcement in a few places...and they all seem to be pulled down...suggesting they hired someone. I was rationalizing that perhaps they were just tired of paying the fees to have their jobs posted, but I don't think that's the case.


I saw one that just opened up in the last few days. It's known (I think) for quality work.Amusingly, it's also the company that Rock Star works for.

But, it means another evening of revising. This position more broad than what I'd been applying to recently. Actually, now that I think of it it's broad like my current position is - which is the part I like about it.

(refusing to get my hopes up)

The job I interview for and was pretty sure I got...well we're several weeks out now. I've followed up a couple times and got responses about a week later on both. They say there's one more candidate they are waiting for before they make a decision.

Perhaps.

But, I'm beginning to think I don't want to work for a company that treats their job candidates like this. I like to relate work and dating - and you know you can't have much to hope for a new 'relationship' is a little wonky even in the courting - honeymoon phase. I don't have to tell you how it's going to turn out in the end.

As far as this constant applying. I think I've worked myself into a depression.

No, let me revise that statement.

My work situation is so bad at this point that I pray on a daily basis that I will get a call. Every day I experience the new common feeling of my chest tightening in anger at something new that has happened. My inability to get out of this situation or make it good in anyway is depressing me.

The research suggests that when a person takes active control of their situation it reduces the stress of the situation. I thought that sending out a couple of applications a week would do it. And, it did for a while. But now, as the wait continues to get that first call, I find myself feeling helpless to get out of my situation. Yes, I'm doing something...but once that something is out of my hands, I lose control as the resume goes out into the ether.  I try to remind myself that four of the jobs I applied to are notoriously long in responding to applicants - if at all. But, I'm finding even that frustratingly depressing because it means it may be months before I hear anything, plus time to negotiate, and then the on-boarding that (I kid you not) will take easily a month.

So you see. I'm potentially looking at being right where I am work wise in the new year.

I'm beginning to think of all these dramatic gestures I could make at work. Going to the boss-boss who seems to like me to see if they will move me. Or, going to the boss-boss-boss who I've actually worked with quite a bit up until recently. I want to believe that they will have the power to change things. More likely, however, it will further tarnish my relationship with my boss with little additional benefit to me.

So I made another therapist appointment. I don't know if my drugs aren't working anymore, but this (whatever this is) isn't working either.  Unfortunately, it's four long weeks out. 

Good and bad and good and bad

Good:
Just had three pairs of pants taken in about 2 inches. It had gotten ridiculous that my pants were all but falling off with the weight I've lost. There are worse problems I suppose.

Bad:
I don't have any clothes that really fit for our upcoming vacation this week.

Good:
I had an interview last week that would get me out of the hell I call a job.

Bad:
I haven't heard from them a week later, and yes, I sent them a thank you note the day after the interview. I've never not gotten a job I applied to and I'm beginning to get worried.

Good:
I've developed some 'friendships' at work based primarily on happy hour.

Bad:
I seem to have developed my arch-nemesis at work which is getting more and more out of hand. I've heard boss has said that I'm beating up on this person. I finally found the nerve to go talk to my boss about it. He alleges he 'considers the source' and thinks I'm a great performer. This isn't the first time he's lied to my face. Oh, and she told on me and my 'happy hour' crew to my boss who then took it out on someone in the office that didn't even go to happy hour with us.

Good:
I got a conference proposal submitted this week. I included boss and boss' boss on the authorship to build some political points.

Bad:
In the course of one conversation boss told me if it wasn't a blind review he'd be embarrassed to have it submitted with our name and affiliation on it and would in fact not allow me to submit it and this was the first time he'd ever seem me fall down on the job BUT that it was a really good paper, very well written for it being written in only two days (by myself). I've easily had 10 papers submitted at this conference over the years - boss? Maybe one? 

Good:
There's a couple of job openings I can apply to this weekend (though it will likely take months to hear back)

Bad:
Got confirmation last night my current boss didn't want to hire me last year. I'd come to this hypothesis based on a couple factors. The largest one is that he chose a crappy candidate over the amazing candidate because he was worried the better one would leave. The crappy one is who I competed against last year. When we got the opportunity to hire another person, he actually strongly resisted calling the amazing one. I will forever wonder if a job I didn't hear back about was actually because I was too good for the job (and I don't mean in the unqualified kind of way).

Decision isn't a decision until there's an option

Last week I interviewed for the second time with this particular company - this time in person. It was a long day of meeting someone new in the company every half hour or so. I started off the day with an activity I'd do on the job - a case study so to speak. Mid-day I had lunch with someone I'd supervise. And I concluded the day with the CEO. Somehow that last interview went from a scheduled hour to several hours. I attribute this extension more to his liking to talk than to me per se. Overall, I'd say I got along with about 50% of the people I spoke to - the other 50% were awkward (I'm not sure if that's my fault or theirs). It's a relatively small company so I'd say I met around half of everyone there.

I fully expect an offer.

I think the job would be interesting. It would be back to a lot of analysis and a heavy emphasis on publishing - which I haven't been doing much of lately.

Here's the weird thing about it. I'm hesitant about the job because I keep thinking - I hate analysis. I hate writing. Yet, in every job outside of my graduate work I've looked for opportunities to gather data and publish. So, it's hard to say I actually hate it. Furthermore because my coworkers at my current job have integrated 'data' into my nickname.

I enjoyed the experience of interviewing (I almost always do). I like the location it's in - lots of shopping, cute places to eat, trendy - though the location is kind of a pain from a commuting perspective. I like the topic area of the company. I believe them when they say they are growing rapidly and well positioned when this particular niche becomes even more prominent.

And I keep thinking "I just cannot stay where I am" so this HAS to be better.

Today I came to the realization that perhaps I'm so so because I'm positioning it as either-or in my head. I wonder if I had other options if this would make this position more or less attractive. That said, I don't really know how to look for jobs other than those on my professional society website. Monster etc are completely useless in my experience. I can't mention it on linkedin because current coworkers are linked to me. I've gone to the websites of some of the places I know hire my type of skills but there's nothing that jumps out.

I guess the decision isn't a decision until an option presents itself to make a decision about.

Or something.

How'd we get here?

I'm trying to be excited about my second interview with a company. I don't know why I'm so...eh about it. Meanwhile, things at my current job have deteriorated to the point my boss no longer makes eye contact with me. Mean coworker continues to tell boss that I'm mean to her and boss has bought it hook-line-and-sinker. In fact, boss has begun dismissing my work - in fact my work was literally redone last week by mean coworker because it was 'all wrong'. Boss has even begun telling others that I need to be a team player.

I'm not sure how we got here, but I sure as hell don't know how to make it better without starting over somewhere new. In all of my experiences and all of my knowledge of organizational dynamics...I have zero recommendations for someone if they came to me with this same story.

I am sad that my dream job has come to this.

But, it's why I need to dig deep to be excited about this interview this week. I have to hope for a good offer that will make my leaving my current job and it's benefits not idiotic.

I don't know if my 'eh' is a warning sign (we see where excitement over dream job got me) or if it's a sign that I'm finally getting over hoping that work will be everything I thought it was supposed to be.