My soul slipped today

It's never a good idea to blog angry. Things are said, they're here forever, etc etc.

So I've waited a few hours to cool down. And I think that while I'm still somewhat angry, I'm mostly disappointed. I'm disappointed that fear and apathy get in the way of doing good work. I'm disappointed that the powers that be squash the efforts of those coming up the ranks efforts to do the work properly – not because there's no budget it to do it or because they personally don't see the value – but because they are not willing to go to bat to say this is the proper way to do it and I'm not going to run a shop that half-asses things before we're told no.

My dream job is melting. What started off as a sandbox of amazing possibility, is turning quickly into a sinkhole of my soul. Initially, I was lead to believe that change was not only needed, but desired. Yet, I'm experiencing more and more roadblocks down to the very lowest levels of the chain. My experience and training is not only questioned, I'm more often not invited to meetings related to my sandbox, and those that are supposed to be advocating for my work has in short indicated that it's basic common sense anyone could do but also that it's meaningless to use in any larger decision making processes.

Which makes sense, because what was being done before I arrived wasn't working, so a new perspective can't possibly be worthwhile to consider – especially since you went out of your way to HIRE this new perspective.

Despite this, I accepted that a portion of my job was too visible and too political to make any good headway. I decided that if I made a strong showing in another area, I'd build some credibility on top of helping facilitate change in perhaps a back-door approach than the other project. Up until today, I was given almost entire leeway to craft the project that used my research experiences and my consulting experiences – I was going to accomplish something cool in application as well as set myself up for several articles in the future and position my organization to be a benchmarking organization.

Then the rug was pulled out from under me. For no reason other than 1) we don't think anyone will care about the results and 2) we don't think anyone would answer surveys honestly (though I'd included ways to ensure more honest responding), a large, important part of my project was vetoed. It wasn't a money or time thing, it was an apathy thing and the person openly admitted that it was professionally the wrong thing to do. And then, the blame was placed on a superior who vetoed it when I know that it was pitched to the superior as 'not recommended' who merely agreed without getting a pitch for why it was important and necessary. Not only do I not like the outcome or the manipulation of the outcome, but I mostly don't like the lying that it was the superior's decision when I know the person wasn't in support of it but wasn't willing to just say no to me directly. It's dishonest, and it's weak.

And, it was today that my soul slipped away from this job. Sadly, I have another six months before I can take a new position for various monetary reasons. It will be a sad journey of working hard to just get to the exit point. It also leaves me in a position of where do I go from here?

I'm considering academia – though I know that is brutal and of late I haven't been setting myself up to be a strong candidate. I'm also considering opening my own firm – but worry about my own abilities in marketing, networking, and selling my skills in a market flooded by others that do similar types of work.  

 

Flowers of Dream State

Confirmed renewal

I had a dream last night (yes, I know no one cares to read about other people's dreams I just have a point to make) that I gave birth*. In my dream it was as though I knew I was pregnant, but just didn't get around to preparing for it. As in, no car carrier thing and no name.

The name and car carrier played a large part because 1) I couldn't update my FB status unless I had a name, and 2) we were on our way somewhere and I wasn't sure how we were going to get the baby clean and in the car with no preparations or a car carrier in time for wherever we were going.

Anyway, immediately upon waking I decided to check out the birth interpretation for dreams.

According to my most used dream interpretation source, giving birth means:

To dream of giving birth or see someone else giving birth, suggests that you are giving birth to a new idea or project. It also represents a new attitude, fresh beginnings or a major  event.  Alternatively, the dream may be calling attention to your inner child and the potential for you to grow. A more direct interpretation of this dream, may represent your desires/ anxieties of giving birth or the anticipation for such an event to occur.
So I guess I wasn't kidding about renewal yesterday. Perhaps it's suggesting that while I'm going to have a new idea, project, or attitude, I haven't really been doing my due diligence to prepare for it - that I'm too focused on schedule and updating FB to fully appreciate where I'm going and whom I've the potential to be.

Or, the dream could also be in part due to my dear friend, Shorty, giving birth last night.

*To a human baby, by the way because apparently that clarification is needed for good interpretation.

Renewal

I thought I knew what spring was, but I was wrong. I’ve heard about the whole renewal business, but living in Florida spring has always looked a lot like summer but a little (very little) cooler. I was baffled by why people were so intrigued by it.

Until I lived it.

When I first moved to Dream State, I really thought fall was my favorite season. What with the cooler weather and pretty leaves. Apple cider, apple butter, bonfires, and smores all helped. Then winter came. And while I wasn’t thrilled with the transition from 70 degree weather to 40s, the snow was amazing. I did a lot of playing in the snow, watching the snow, looking at all the leaves and blades of grass covered in ice. Learning what freezing rain is. All amazing.

I’m not being sarcastic here by the way. I really thought winter was overall pretty amazing.

Eventually with no more hope of snow and a string of way too many days in the 40s, I was ready for summer.

What I wasn’t expecting was spring. Which, as I implied, was pretty much a throw-away season in the south. But here, it’s meant the smallest daintiest of leaves I’ve ever seen. Tulips on top of tulips on top of tulips (aka my favorite flowers). And then the blooms of all sorts of flowers from the bushes to the tree tops. All sorts of colors, shapes, and smells.

In the course of experiencing spring, I’ve also begun thinking about my own renewal. Whether I’ve been taking good enough care of myself, of my little family, of my relationships with others. And, I’d say in most all cases I’ve been kind of not taking terribly good care of anyone or anything.

Since my birthday, I’ve decided to have Birthday resolutions (seeing as how I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions). Among other things, I’ve resolved to drink more water and take my vitamins. (This is actually much harder than you’d think). I’ve also begun being more conscious of how I speak to PC, the support I give him, and the appreciation I have for the things he does do for me (I still make task lists so we can track what still needs to be done). I also want to get to a better place financially – better budgeting, more conscientious of where the money goes, greater awareness into retirement and savings – which admittedly stems in part from my living in Dream State in which the cost of living is significantly higher than what we’re used to and in part due to all the really cool things there are to do here.

All in all, it’s time for a rebirth of sorts – much like I had hoped for when starting fresh here for blogging.

Quandry

Perhaps I spoke too soon.

He's had time to ruminate a bit...and well, frankly the offer is pretty low. By low, I mean still pretty good but lower than what he made in his last position and not accounting for the increase of cost of living associated with moving to Dream State (20% is the common assumption). And, the position is about an hour of commuting each way. And, the benefits aren't as good as he'd hoped...

So it's a quandary. Take a job that objectively you'd love (or at least like a lot), but that you feel like you're being screwed based on the pay, benefits, and commute...

Sadly, based on the literature, this is a recipe for disaster.

PC is debating the pros and cons of negotiating a higher rate (worrying that it will sour their relationship before he even walks in the door), accepting it but knowing this will set his income trajectory in Dream State and possibly the rest of his career and has already soured HIS relationship with them before he walks in the door, and knowing that he has no other offers on the table so he's got no fall back plan if he doesn't take the job. 

I know that I don't know what to recommend. I see all those same pros and cons...all of which have consequences...and I don't know what I'd pick either.

Good news!

So, first and foremost, PC got a j.o.b! It was nice to see him come home from his interview lit up with the excitement of working for this company. Especially knowing that he'll be back to working on a team of people instead of so independently (read: kinda lonely). On the less positive note, it's a hell of a commute and they're totally low-balling him from a pay perspective. Unlike me, he's very unlikely to counteroffer even though he has the EXACT skill set they need to round out their business.

Second, I went shopping. To avoid any real issues around potential fluffiness on my part (even though the scale continues to say I'm below my usual weight but I don't believe it because I'm not working out, not eating overly well, and have been drinking like a fish) I bought a hell-a-lota shoes.

You're welcome DSW.

Willing to eat anything that has cheese, grease, or liquor in it

I think I have SAD. I can objectively say nothing went terribly wrong today, but I'm pretty much ready to lay around, eat anything that has cheese grease Chinese and or liquor in it, and be grouchy. Here's just a few of the things going on in my head this evening in no particular order.

• HR person was kind of unnecessarily bitchy to me. I was there to fill out paperwork for something I'm already a little uncomfortable with, and she made it worse. I may sit on the paper work for a while. Sitting on it will only hurt me in the long run but I don't want to see HR person to re-turn it in for at least a week.
• My main project for the next month got postponed due to politics. Relatedly, my pay may also be delayed due to politics.
• As a result of my main project being delayed, I have to return to the project I thought I was done with (and have been focusing on non-stop for months) - and frankly, I'm just burnt out on it.
• People who have no sense of obligation to meet their basic job requirements that screw my shit up seem to surround me
• I haven't been working out and no badgering, begging, deciding, or bribing seems to be working to get me back in the gym. I feel guilty and I'm not nice to me about being a lazy ass. Kinda a double whammy.
• I'm tired of  having to put a damn jacket every time I want to go outside.
• I'm tired of having to make small talk with people in the elevator for 10 floors at 6am when I am only there to walk the dog - repeat at 11pm.
• Just want PC to have a job. I used to want him to have a job he liked, now I'd just like him to be employed. I think. Ok, maybe it's more that I'm just tired of him having to go through the job hunting part because we inevitably argue.
• I find that even though we can afford to live in a snobby place, that I'm actually out snobbed by those around me - and I'm tired of feeling not good enough when I pay an assload of money to live here. I'm equally annoyed with those that are too good to talk to me in the elevator as those that think we need to be best friends for 20 seconds at 6am.
• I want to go shopping. I haven't gone shopping because I feel fat but I'm not (weirdly maintaining low weight despite not working out) and I feel like I should not be extravagant when we're living on one salary but it doesn't seem fair to not be able to shop with my income...and so the circular thinking goes
• I'm eerily pale. I didn't even know this kind of pale existed. I don't know when I'll be able to wear shorts ever again with this damn cold. I dread future self's sun burn knowing that future future self is going to hate future self for the wrinkles and cancer.
• I get to start telecommuting next week because I hit my 6 month mark here. My boss is weary of the days I picked to telecommute because more than half the office is out that day too - why do I have to be there if no one else is and why do they get to pick that day but I have no say? Just because I am last? And, if some of them leave, do I get to move my day or does some random new person get that day?
• I'm tired of my boss being beat down by the system. Not only does it make me feel beat down, but I have no one to depend on to push back to senior management to get things done.
• No one in my organization actually cares about what I do. It's hard to keep getting so worked up about the horrors that I'm hear to solve when they're more interested in cutting the data a little different to make everything look ok.
• It's hard to have a career you're passionate about when you're considered a luxury (at best) or an annoying fly (at worst) in most organizations.
• I seem to be one of the few people that likes their job and believes that people have the best of intentions. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm a fool.
• I feel like I'm falling behind professionally because I've not published anything and have no conference presentations in the works. Yet, I don't have the energy to do what is actually one of the most time consuming mind numbing activities in academic life - formatting for a submission. How ridiculous is it that I have an article ready to go for the last 6 months if only I'd change the format?
• My 6 month anniversary here at new job was pretty anti-climatic.