You would have thought I would have gotten over it in grad school. The constant competition, the need to outshine others. You know, the whole idea that grad school pretty much skimmed the top of the best so sometimes you were humbled by no longer being the best among the best.
In general, this competition served me well. It motivated me to come up with new ways to be better and produce more. Simultaneously, the inability to let the competition go would sometimes plunge me into the depths of self-loathing that I couldn't 'beat' the other person/persons.
That said, competing among the best and coming out towards the top of the heap has led to me having a generally unencumbered work life. Admittedly, when I was consluting I often felt out of my league mostly because it wasn't what we were trained to do in grad school.There were many days I'd come home and dissolve into tears that I wasn't the best in the office.*
When I was ousted from that position by the economy (read: laid off) I took a position in an area that wasn't really known for excellence. This was a double edged sword in the sense that by showing up, staying awake during meetings, and having an insightful comment on occasion I pretty much exceeded expectation. Often, I'd get performance awards - and PC would say, "I thought you said you didn't do anything all day." I'd shrug and respond, "I really don't." The other edge of this, however, is that I was bored to tears. If I got work to do, I worked alone for the most part.
In my new position, it's a new type of work but the same below-mediocre expectations. In only three months of being there I was promoted and given the largest performance bonus available. Mind you, I love what I was doing so I kept very busy often writing extra reports and doing extra analysis for fun. Other than my boss, I was the only one with a PhD and our background. In a sense, I not only did not have to compete, I set the expectation.
In steps someone who is bright and an over-achiever as well, who was to support my work. It's been a pleasure to work with her. Though she has a bachelors in an unrelated field, she catches on quickly. It's nice to see someone that has a work ethic and believes in going above expectations.**
We'll call her Star.
All was good until last week. I suppose it had been building for several weeks. My boss and I had a philosophical difference of opinion on work I was performing. Because it was a project he didn't want to provide much input into up to that point I felt I had a 'blank check' to do the project as I wanted so long as it ended up with good reviews. Which it did. I was angry that boss thought changes should be made not based on science or theory but rather personal preferences. Due to my boss and my strong difference and the refusal of either parties side to come to the table, Boss began to speak only to Star. Through Star, boss was able to communicate new tasks to me and Star was often put in the position of defending my position which we both shared about the project. Add to that that Boss and I managed to adjust our telecommuting days to the point where we seldom saw each other face to face for the last few weeks.
Pushed to my mental limit, I took two days off last week. I checked in with Star before deciding to call in to make sure she had other things to work on because I didn't want her to be burdened by the tasks I wouldn't be completing during my 'sick' leave. She assured me she had plenty to do. I told her to push my tasks off if boss asked and let me take the heat if there was something that wasn't done.
I return after being out two days to find she is now writing two white papers, setting the timeline for the rest of 'our' project, and generally finding other things to get done that boss had not yet even thought of to task.
Two days.
I have had nothing but hate in my heart since I have returned. I hate that I seem to be replaced. I hate that she seems to have stepped up while I was out to take the lead. I hate that boss doesn't see this or doesn't care. I hate that she no longer clears things through me but rather cc's me on products.
My response has been icy silence. I've also begun pouting by not doing anything and being a critical reviewer of anything she does produce. Still, she continues to produce faster than I can because I'm often not looped in that something is needed or have the context with which to complete the task. For instance, I submitted 5-6 lines of notes from a meeting we had and she submitted a 5-pager on the meeting, schedule, and ratings including some other tables. The best response I had was to task her with integrating my 5 notes into her document (which I think she intentionally did not include just to be snotty in return).
You'd think I'd have learned to handle this better. I'm used to backstabbing and ladder climbing - I just didn't think we were on the same ladder or that she was even interested in my ladder. And, I certainly didn't think she'd be able to come toe to toe in my field. It came as complete surprise and I'm not really sure how to recover. I keep thinking, "You aren't really the leader if you have to tell someone you're the leader."
Cognitively, it tells me that you probably don't need a PhD to do what I do. And the knowledge of this has sent me into a tail-spin of depression and anger and bitterness. This can't end well.
*While not the best, I understand that someone else picked up my client when my company resurfaced and the client asked that that conslut not show up to their offices again.
**Hell, I would have been grateful for someone that even met expectations.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Starved
While the WW diet pretty much allows anything (within reason), I'm starving. Unfortunately (perhaps fortunately for WW) it's not WW's fault.
You see, despite being starved I have zero interest in eating anything I have in the house. And, when I think "Well, what outside of the house would you like to eat?" I have no answer.I'm constantly a little nauseous. I assume because of the work situation. And, while I am all about alternative diet opportunities...I really am hungry.
The protocol has been: Hungry. Go look in fridge. See nothing. Find smell of fridge a little gross. Return to couch. Become hungrier. Return to fridge. Settle with cheese stick. Still hungry. Repeat. Try popsicle with some luck.
I managed some lean cuisine macaroni and cheese for lunch yesterday. PC took me for burgers last night.
Not sure what's going on.
In the meantime, doing ok on weight loss if only because I'm not eating. Know this is a horrible approach and going to completely backfire when nausea no longer works.
You see, despite being starved I have zero interest in eating anything I have in the house. And, when I think "Well, what outside of the house would you like to eat?" I have no answer.I'm constantly a little nauseous. I assume because of the work situation. And, while I am all about alternative diet opportunities...I really am hungry.
The protocol has been: Hungry. Go look in fridge. See nothing. Find smell of fridge a little gross. Return to couch. Become hungrier. Return to fridge. Settle with cheese stick. Still hungry. Repeat. Try popsicle with some luck.
I managed some lean cuisine macaroni and cheese for lunch yesterday. PC took me for burgers last night.
Not sure what's going on.
In the meantime, doing ok on weight loss if only because I'm not eating. Know this is a horrible approach and going to completely backfire when nausea no longer works.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Step 2
In less than 24 hours of el resume being submitted, I had a phone interview request. I was admittedly floored.
I am just not used to companies moving that quickly. Plus, I hadn't fully gotten used to the idea that I was really on the job market. I mean yes, I'm really angry about my current job, but a new job is always scary. Plus, there's all these other implications that I had not fully thought through.
Excited and flattered and wary (are they desperate and that's why they reached out so fast?) I scheduled the interview. I studied like a crazy person everything I could on the company, their tools, their employees, anything that had been written by my interviewer. Linkedin by the way, is an amazing stalking tool. I also emailed several others that work on the academic side of what this company does to see if they had heard anything about them. I got very positive responses about the quality of work they put out.
Interview one was an hour-long phone call. References were requested, and once they have time to contact them, we will schedule an in-office interview.
Here's the thing. It's a huge shift in the kind of work I have been doing. It's also going back into research with publication requirements. Although I do play with and instigate a lot of data collection at my current position and am addicted to publishing...it's kind of scary. It's also a big title, which is also surprisingly scary. I've wanted the big title forever, and now that I might get it...I'm a little nervous. The other thing is, what I love about my job now is the face-to-face part. I don't know if there's going to be a lot of that in this. Oh, and my favorite piece of information from the interview - I'd be high enough in the organization to be a part of the strategy development.
How freaking cool is that!?!
Despite all this, I've been having all these mixed feelings about leaving. I like job in theory. If I could transfer it into a new company with a new boss...it would still be my dream job. The new job, however, would be a significant career move.
Thankfully, my boss continues to behave like an imbecile* so it's making my decision way less hard. I just hope that in my anger and determination of getting out of the current situation that I'm not jumping too fast without scoping out the rest of the field.
I've gathered my references...and here goes step 2.
*Most recently, I made a professional judgement about a project that I am running. Boss has been countering this judgement based on personal preferences in blatant disregard for the professional reasons for my decision. Instead of coming to me to discuss - boss's been meeting with others on my team (who do not have similar backgrounds so have no professional basis for their decision) when I'm not available in an effort to gain support. I have also found out that boss's gone two steps up in our organization (again while I was out of the office and unable to explain my rationale) to gain support for boss's position. These people, while higher in the organization, do not have the background in what the project is about. Thankfully, they sided with me sort of. So boss is maybe, possibly, perhaps, conceding. Not because I am right and/or the expert but because at least when there are complaints about the decision it can be blamed on the higher up.
All I can say is: Man the fuck up and be the expert PhD that you claim to be and take the heat for your decisions that are made based on science whether others like it or not. And stop being the sissy who can't speak to me directly and is trying every other way to get support for their own position. I almost suggested boss should go ask the guy on the corner who sells flowers if he agrees with boss - because it's about as relevant.
I am just not used to companies moving that quickly. Plus, I hadn't fully gotten used to the idea that I was really on the job market. I mean yes, I'm really angry about my current job, but a new job is always scary. Plus, there's all these other implications that I had not fully thought through.
Excited and flattered and wary (are they desperate and that's why they reached out so fast?) I scheduled the interview. I studied like a crazy person everything I could on the company, their tools, their employees, anything that had been written by my interviewer. Linkedin by the way, is an amazing stalking tool. I also emailed several others that work on the academic side of what this company does to see if they had heard anything about them. I got very positive responses about the quality of work they put out.
Interview one was an hour-long phone call. References were requested, and once they have time to contact them, we will schedule an in-office interview.
Here's the thing. It's a huge shift in the kind of work I have been doing. It's also going back into research with publication requirements. Although I do play with and instigate a lot of data collection at my current position and am addicted to publishing...it's kind of scary. It's also a big title, which is also surprisingly scary. I've wanted the big title forever, and now that I might get it...I'm a little nervous. The other thing is, what I love about my job now is the face-to-face part. I don't know if there's going to be a lot of that in this. Oh, and my favorite piece of information from the interview - I'd be high enough in the organization to be a part of the strategy development.
How freaking cool is that!?!
Despite all this, I've been having all these mixed feelings about leaving. I like job in theory. If I could transfer it into a new company with a new boss...it would still be my dream job. The new job, however, would be a significant career move.
Thankfully, my boss continues to behave like an imbecile* so it's making my decision way less hard. I just hope that in my anger and determination of getting out of the current situation that I'm not jumping too fast without scoping out the rest of the field.
I've gathered my references...and here goes step 2.
*Most recently, I made a professional judgement about a project that I am running. Boss has been countering this judgement based on personal preferences in blatant disregard for the professional reasons for my decision. Instead of coming to me to discuss - boss's been meeting with others on my team (who do not have similar backgrounds so have no professional basis for their decision) when I'm not available in an effort to gain support. I have also found out that boss's gone two steps up in our organization (again while I was out of the office and unable to explain my rationale) to gain support for boss's position. These people, while higher in the organization, do not have the background in what the project is about. Thankfully, they sided with me sort of. So boss is maybe, possibly, perhaps, conceding. Not because I am right and/or the expert but because at least when there are complaints about the decision it can be blamed on the higher up.
All I can say is: Man the fuck up and be the expert PhD that you claim to be and take the heat for your decisions that are made based on science whether others like it or not. And stop being the sissy who can't speak to me directly and is trying every other way to get support for their own position. I almost suggested boss should go ask the guy on the corner who sells flowers if he agrees with boss - because it's about as relevant.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Step 1
Let's start off with some pleasantries. Happy 4th of July! Usually this holiday is spent having friends over, bbqing, and setting off ridiculous amounts of fireworks (for the purposes of scaring off birds of course). Sadly, this year we don't really have any friends yet. The good news, however, is that our building has probably the best roof top view of easily 3 large fireworks locations. Rather than fight the crowds, we're going to head up 8 floors on our elevator and watch from the comfort of our home. Though both good and bad - our building has limited access to only 2 persons per apartment so it should be extra pleasant. The bad part of it is that this limitation is the primary reason we didn't have our 'aquantances' over.
Well, that and PC somehow got sucked into working today. Only 1 of 2 of 150 person organization working today on something that probably won't go anywhere and even if it does he won't play a major role.
How is it that we both get the shaft at work?
Speaking of...I did something for me today. Actually, today's accomplishment has been the product of 3 days of concentration and revisions. Today, I took step 1. I submitted my CV and cover letter to a new position.
The way I see it, whether I get the call, the interview, or job or not, I am actively participating in what I hope will be a resolution to my work situation. And that active participation is step 1 to remaining happy with myself and being my own advocate. Work may continue to suck (I'm debating whether to provide some feedback to boss to reduce some suckage - not admitting I have taken step 1 to leave) but as long as I can retain hope - it will be livable.
And, if that wasn't enough 'taking care of me' for the day - I bought myself some high-end quality jeans for my now 12 pound weight loss and for my dedication to revising a resume into a CV (no easy task)*. Today, and today only (I think) Lucky Jeans have huge discounts.
*To this point, I've only used a resume and put in 'selected' publications and presentations that I felt matched the job. This was partially to be targeted, but mostly laziness. But, since this job specifies a CV and specifies that publications/presentations are a part of the job (I translate this into more of a record of pubs and presentations the better), I bit the bullet and looked for all my pubs and conference papers.
I ended up with a two page reference list.
I have to admit, as a non-academic I impressed myself.
Well, that and PC somehow got sucked into working today. Only 1 of 2 of 150 person organization working today on something that probably won't go anywhere and even if it does he won't play a major role.
How is it that we both get the shaft at work?
Speaking of...I did something for me today. Actually, today's accomplishment has been the product of 3 days of concentration and revisions. Today, I took step 1. I submitted my CV and cover letter to a new position.
The way I see it, whether I get the call, the interview, or job or not, I am actively participating in what I hope will be a resolution to my work situation. And that active participation is step 1 to remaining happy with myself and being my own advocate. Work may continue to suck (I'm debating whether to provide some feedback to boss to reduce some suckage - not admitting I have taken step 1 to leave) but as long as I can retain hope - it will be livable.
And, if that wasn't enough 'taking care of me' for the day - I bought myself some high-end quality jeans for my now 12 pound weight loss and for my dedication to revising a resume into a CV (no easy task)*. Today, and today only (I think) Lucky Jeans have huge discounts.
*To this point, I've only used a resume and put in 'selected' publications and presentations that I felt matched the job. This was partially to be targeted, but mostly laziness. But, since this job specifies a CV and specifies that publications/presentations are a part of the job (I translate this into more of a record of pubs and presentations the better), I bit the bullet and looked for all my pubs and conference papers.
I ended up with a two page reference list.
I have to admit, as a non-academic I impressed myself.
Friday, July 1, 2011
This wasn't supposed to happen
This week I got to do my very favorite part of my job! It's been almost 6 months of preparation to get to this week. Grueling preparation made better by knowing how much fun this part would be.
Unfortunately, I have never seen a boss behave more unprofessionally, disrespectfully, and without integrity. Combined and directed at me, I have never felt the absolute rage I felt this week.
I'm sad my favorite part of my job was kinda ruined.
I've also decided I cannot stay with the organization any longer. I can handle bad situations a lot better when I can actively try to change or remove myself from the situation. I've been trying to wait out a vesting period so I could maintain my matching retirement funds...so I've felt very stuck and stricken at the thought of facing the gap until then.
In an odd coincidence of luck, a position just came available last week in Dream State that seems like it was written for me.* It is literally almost exactly my dissertation study but as a job.**
And, it has a good title: Director.
I'm sort of hoping that the application, interview, onboarding time (assuming I got it) would take me through the rest of the vesting period at current job. It would make me feel better waiting if I knew I had another door waiting for me.
*Of course, I thought the current job was written for me as well. But then, it's not the job I hate...it's the boss.
**I must have blocked out the hell of the dissertation process to be kind of excited to do it as a living.
Unfortunately, I have never seen a boss behave more unprofessionally, disrespectfully, and without integrity. Combined and directed at me, I have never felt the absolute rage I felt this week.
I'm sad my favorite part of my job was kinda ruined.
I've also decided I cannot stay with the organization any longer. I can handle bad situations a lot better when I can actively try to change or remove myself from the situation. I've been trying to wait out a vesting period so I could maintain my matching retirement funds...so I've felt very stuck and stricken at the thought of facing the gap until then.
In an odd coincidence of luck, a position just came available last week in Dream State that seems like it was written for me.* It is literally almost exactly my dissertation study but as a job.**
And, it has a good title: Director.
I'm sort of hoping that the application, interview, onboarding time (assuming I got it) would take me through the rest of the vesting period at current job. It would make me feel better waiting if I knew I had another door waiting for me.
*Of course, I thought the current job was written for me as well. But then, it's not the job I hate...it's the boss.
**I must have blocked out the hell of the dissertation process to be kind of excited to do it as a living.
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