How is it that the calling card of that-time-of-the-month tends to be an overwhelming sense of inadequacy?
As many other PhDs have mentioned, I generally believe that someday, I'll be outted as incompetent for the degree I hold. There's no rational basis for that fear, it's not like I didn't do the coursework or pass the exams...it's just a constant underlying fear. Yet, as my TOM gets near, the inadequacy rises to the top.
Yesterday, I had my monthly meltdown. Frustration that I don't know how to do major functions of my job (the benefit of focusing on theory over practice in our program) and the inability to admit to anyone that I don't know what I am doing. And, as I move forward in the organization it's becoming harder and harder to hide it. Frustration that I don't have the support I need. Frustration that perhaps this organization isn't where I should be, that this job was never what I wanted to do...but with no idea where to go instead.
Yet today, my mood picked up. My sense of inadequacy simmered down. I know I'm not completely in the clear. But, I know it's a matter of waiting until the period passes...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sweet reward
Every week, I can barely wait until my weigh in day. For those of you on Weight Watchers (WW) or ever have been, you probably know what I mean. (Though, I could see how many actually dread these days.)
This past week, I was ravenous. Seriously. I just wanted to eat everything. There was also the day I was cranky about PC and ate the rest of the chocolate chips that he'd threatened to throw away the night before.
I showed him!
Frankly, the hunger wouldn't have been so bad if I could rationalize that it was because I was working out so much. In fact, whenever I mentioned the hunger, everyone was quick to suggest that reason. But truth was, even though I was eating a lot - I was freaking drained. I couldn't talk myself into a good run or a spin class to save my life.
Ok, maybe to save my life - thankfully, it didn't come to that.
No particular reason for the drain - perhaps low level, constant stress as I prepare for a conference in two weeks, worry about taxes, and think about how to expand my business. Oh, and the work factor wherein I can't find the motivation to produce more than bare minimum and feel extreme guilt.
But alas. Today was weigh in day. Another 2 pounds lost. I guess I did better than I thought. Perhaps it was Fish Week that saved me?
And, even better? PC only lost .8 pounds!*
But, the bigger, more interesting component of the weigh in is just the reinforcement that even when it's really hard to stick to it, you're typically rewarded with loss. Even though I ate much more closely to my max points and only half-assed my workouts - it was better than nothing and made not having that hamburger at the beach, or the doritos, or the extra cider...so much more worth it. And, even the one week so far when I didn't lose weight - I remained steady or 'plateaued' - I knew I was out of line, but made the best choices I could (i.e., only one margarita, choosing plain grilled turkey instead of the 7-layer dip) given the circumstances (i.e., multiple social events)
So in total - down 12 pounds since I started. Last week I'd hit my usual steady-state-comfortable weight. This week, I'm below it. Woo! Goal weight is a mere 5-something more pounds.
This week, btw, is Pig Week.
Last night was ham steaks, sweet potatoes, and grilled pineapple. Way better calorie-wise than you'd imagine. On the menu for the week - pork tender loin, BLTs, pork chops, kielbasa (but turkey form, just don't tell PC).
*This is pretty damn exciting if you've ever tried losing weight with a boy - they typically drop weight if they think about celery.
This past week, I was ravenous. Seriously. I just wanted to eat everything. There was also the day I was cranky about PC and ate the rest of the chocolate chips that he'd threatened to throw away the night before.
I showed him!
Frankly, the hunger wouldn't have been so bad if I could rationalize that it was because I was working out so much. In fact, whenever I mentioned the hunger, everyone was quick to suggest that reason. But truth was, even though I was eating a lot - I was freaking drained. I couldn't talk myself into a good run or a spin class to save my life.
Ok, maybe to save my life - thankfully, it didn't come to that.
No particular reason for the drain - perhaps low level, constant stress as I prepare for a conference in two weeks, worry about taxes, and think about how to expand my business. Oh, and the work factor wherein I can't find the motivation to produce more than bare minimum and feel extreme guilt.
But alas. Today was weigh in day. Another 2 pounds lost. I guess I did better than I thought. Perhaps it was Fish Week that saved me?
And, even better? PC only lost .8 pounds!*
But, the bigger, more interesting component of the weigh in is just the reinforcement that even when it's really hard to stick to it, you're typically rewarded with loss. Even though I ate much more closely to my max points and only half-assed my workouts - it was better than nothing and made not having that hamburger at the beach, or the doritos, or the extra cider...so much more worth it. And, even the one week so far when I didn't lose weight - I remained steady or 'plateaued' - I knew I was out of line, but made the best choices I could (i.e., only one margarita, choosing plain grilled turkey instead of the 7-layer dip) given the circumstances (i.e., multiple social events)
So in total - down 12 pounds since I started. Last week I'd hit my usual steady-state-comfortable weight. This week, I'm below it. Woo! Goal weight is a mere 5-something more pounds.
This week, btw, is Pig Week.
Last night was ham steaks, sweet potatoes, and grilled pineapple. Way better calorie-wise than you'd imagine. On the menu for the week - pork tender loin, BLTs, pork chops, kielbasa (but turkey form, just don't tell PC).
*This is pretty damn exciting if you've ever tried losing weight with a boy - they typically drop weight if they think about celery.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Home work
I admit, I'm way more domestic than I used to like to admit and/or believe. I love working in the garden. Yet, I find it oddly stressful.
Why?
Because I worry that it's not going to look natural or that it's going to look like those yards where people thow random plants in and/or yard ornaments and it looks stupid.
I spend a lot of time running in our neighborhood and it always pains me when I see the yards that it's obvious that the owners spent a lot of time and money on it...but it looks awful. As an example - the yard that did alternting red and white stone edging. Good in theory - apauling in practice. And having priced out the stone edging, not an inexpensive endeavor.
We're currently dreaming about how to redesign our backyard. It's new to PC's thought process to even garden - nevermind working on the backyard where only we will see. But, although I like to keep up appearances, I think the backyard where we cook out or read or hangout, is equally if not more important.
Here's out recent front yard endever - it was night and my photography skills leave something to be desired...
Course, I could be being influenced by all the home design shows that argue a nice backyard is a selling point. (Though my coworker just bought a home and commented quite a bit on the nice gardening in the backyard too...so who knows).
We've started putting in some backyard hedges to create 'walls' between us and the neighbors. But now we're talking about putting down pavers, staining the cement slab that already exists. Primarily as a way to put the grill somewhere a little more out of the way. We're also toying with the idea of where to put a hammock (which PC already owns but that lives in the garage).
Last night I came up with the brilliant idea to do some terracing since there's an extreme slope and a good deal of errosion going on. The cost and work related to actually building a retaining wall may be prohibative. We'd also love some sort of shade - perhaps an awning or large umbrellas or a pergola like this (note: not our house)
Why?
Because I worry that it's not going to look natural or that it's going to look like those yards where people thow random plants in and/or yard ornaments and it looks stupid.
I spend a lot of time running in our neighborhood and it always pains me when I see the yards that it's obvious that the owners spent a lot of time and money on it...but it looks awful. As an example - the yard that did alternting red and white stone edging. Good in theory - apauling in practice. And having priced out the stone edging, not an inexpensive endeavor.
We're currently dreaming about how to redesign our backyard. It's new to PC's thought process to even garden - nevermind working on the backyard where only we will see. But, although I like to keep up appearances, I think the backyard where we cook out or read or hangout, is equally if not more important.
Here's out recent front yard endever - it was night and my photography skills leave something to be desired...
Course, I could be being influenced by all the home design shows that argue a nice backyard is a selling point. (Though my coworker just bought a home and commented quite a bit on the nice gardening in the backyard too...so who knows).
We've started putting in some backyard hedges to create 'walls' between us and the neighbors. But now we're talking about putting down pavers, staining the cement slab that already exists. Primarily as a way to put the grill somewhere a little more out of the way. We're also toying with the idea of where to put a hammock (which PC already owns but that lives in the garage).
Last night I came up with the brilliant idea to do some terracing since there's an extreme slope and a good deal of errosion going on. The cost and work related to actually building a retaining wall may be prohibative. We'd also love some sort of shade - perhaps an awning or large umbrellas or a pergola like this (note: not our house)
But alas, perfectionist that I am...we continue to dream...and I find our new little hobby gratifying, but somewhat stressful. In the meantime, I signed up for a 5k for the primary reason that you get a free tree for finishing it. PC is considering it. I've convinced a coworker to run it as well and donate her tree to us. :)
The things we do for our home.
*Ps., using the new blogger interface seems to have no spell check. Why?
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Whims
On a whim, we bought massive amounts of frozen fish about a week ago. Some whim where we think it would be fun to get more fish in our diet and eat healthier.*
These whims tend to be short lived and result in us having massive amounts of random stuff in the freezer that dies a painful frost-bitten death. Evidence being the numerous bags of microwave steamed veggies I bought thinking it would encourage Prince Charming** to cook more for me due to the convenience factor.
I'll just say - there's many veggies that remain in their little steamer bags, and whenever we're restocking the freezer PC says "What's with all these veggies?"
I digress.
Anyway. Fish. So, we decided it's Fish Week in the Castle. We're on day three. Mostly because day one (Monday) was prempted by a coworker's need for drinks and happy hour. We seldom decline.
So on our first day we started with what we knew. Tuna steaks. Some citrus seasoning on them, and grilled. With a side of grilled pineapple. The pineapple was delicious. The tuna steaks...weirdly fishy. I mean realllly fishy. We killed the taste with a few squirts of lime juice. I pretended we were at Bahama Breeze and that the taste was on purpose.
Overall, not a great start.
Last night, I scoured the WW website for recipes for flounder. And, by scour I mean I typed in 'flounder' and clicked on a few things looking for an option that didn't require a trip to the store. I ended up with the most freaking delicious flounder EVER.*** And, a side of green beans that were trying to die in the vegetable drawer.
So, tonight I'm a little worried. We're on to swordfish. I have no idea what that tastes like and the WW website seems to be lacking very many interesting recipes. Tomorrow is haddock. Or, perhaps chili-lime grilled shrimp.
Anyone else have a favorite fishy recipe?
*Full disclosure: We've been on Weight Watchers for about 2 months, so we're already bretty conscious of our foods (for better or worse).
**For those who've been reading me in past lives, I've hated the nickname I gave the boyfriend for some time. It doesn't really fit, and was born out of laziness back when we first started dating. So, I've decided with the fresh start, we'll rename him. Since I'm living with him, and this is our castle, we'll go with Prince Charming or PC for short. Besides, he is tall, dark, and handsome as a Prince Charming should be (depending on the particular cartoon you pick).
***2 tsp paparicka, 1 tsp pepper, 1/4 tsp salt. Mixed and flounder dregged through it. Place flounder on stove till cooked through. Take fish out, and in drippings cook some cherry tomatoes (I used just chopped tomatoes), garlic (I used half a shallot), and some red pepper flakes. Serve tomato mixture over fish. Done.
These whims tend to be short lived and result in us having massive amounts of random stuff in the freezer that dies a painful frost-bitten death. Evidence being the numerous bags of microwave steamed veggies I bought thinking it would encourage Prince Charming** to cook more for me due to the convenience factor.
I'll just say - there's many veggies that remain in their little steamer bags, and whenever we're restocking the freezer PC says "What's with all these veggies?"
I digress.
Anyway. Fish. So, we decided it's Fish Week in the Castle. We're on day three. Mostly because day one (Monday) was prempted by a coworker's need for drinks and happy hour. We seldom decline.
So on our first day we started with what we knew. Tuna steaks. Some citrus seasoning on them, and grilled. With a side of grilled pineapple. The pineapple was delicious. The tuna steaks...weirdly fishy. I mean realllly fishy. We killed the taste with a few squirts of lime juice. I pretended we were at Bahama Breeze and that the taste was on purpose.
Overall, not a great start.
Last night, I scoured the WW website for recipes for flounder. And, by scour I mean I typed in 'flounder' and clicked on a few things looking for an option that didn't require a trip to the store. I ended up with the most freaking delicious flounder EVER.*** And, a side of green beans that were trying to die in the vegetable drawer.
So, tonight I'm a little worried. We're on to swordfish. I have no idea what that tastes like and the WW website seems to be lacking very many interesting recipes. Tomorrow is haddock. Or, perhaps chili-lime grilled shrimp.
Anyone else have a favorite fishy recipe?
*Full disclosure: We've been on Weight Watchers for about 2 months, so we're already bretty conscious of our foods (for better or worse).
**For those who've been reading me in past lives, I've hated the nickname I gave the boyfriend for some time. It doesn't really fit, and was born out of laziness back when we first started dating. So, I've decided with the fresh start, we'll rename him. Since I'm living with him, and this is our castle, we'll go with Prince Charming or PC for short. Besides, he is tall, dark, and handsome as a Prince Charming should be (depending on the particular cartoon you pick).
***2 tsp paparicka, 1 tsp pepper, 1/4 tsp salt. Mixed and flounder dregged through it. Place flounder on stove till cooked through. Take fish out, and in drippings cook some cherry tomatoes (I used just chopped tomatoes), garlic (I used half a shallot), and some red pepper flakes. Serve tomato mixture over fish. Done.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Win win
Having spent the last, oh, 30 years in school, I have to admit I know very little about what kinds of things I like to do for fun. Well, other than drink. I do like a good drink.
So, one of the things I've taken up doing since I graduated last year, is I started a small business. A home business with the parties.
Don't roll your eyes. It's not that bad.
I love the product, and have a hard time not actually spending my profit right back on product. I've been doing it now for 5 months. It's had it's ups and downs. I find I'm good at the sales part - bad at the money part (i.e., calculating cost, following up with payments). I figure the lesson-learned is I need an accounting office. Someday.
Anyway, today's win is that I have my very first new 'lead'. Basically, the person that works under me. She's my first little mentee, my little grasshopper, my reflection of myself.
My cash cow.
I kid.
She's probably 2 feet taller than me.
Anyway, the major bonus is I apparently get a small percentage from her sales. I have no idea how much - but it says to me I'm going to get a whole lotta more opportunity to buy my own products. Weeee!
So, one of the things I've taken up doing since I graduated last year, is I started a small business. A home business with the parties.
Don't roll your eyes. It's not that bad.
I love the product, and have a hard time not actually spending my profit right back on product. I've been doing it now for 5 months. It's had it's ups and downs. I find I'm good at the sales part - bad at the money part (i.e., calculating cost, following up with payments). I figure the lesson-learned is I need an accounting office. Someday.
Anyway, today's win is that I have my very first new 'lead'. Basically, the person that works under me. She's my first little mentee, my little grasshopper, my reflection of myself.
My cash cow.
I kid.
She's probably 2 feet taller than me.
Anyway, the major bonus is I apparently get a small percentage from her sales. I have no idea how much - but it says to me I'm going to get a whole lotta more opportunity to buy my own products. Weeee!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
New home
Don't mind all the boxes. I'm just moving in. Stay for a minute, I promise not to make you move the heavy stuff.
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