Becoming more real

As we move forward on the short sales, little things keep giving us pause that we're really doing this. It's been more than once when one of us says to the other, "This means we're really doing it." "It's the right thing to do....right?" "It'll be nice to get it off our shoulders...and that's worth the hit to our credit...right?"

Perhaps it's like any major life change.

Nonetheless, as we sign and fax our listing agreement and we begin the process of putting our savings in the mattress...I get little heart palpitations.

It's the right thing to do

Today I spoke with a relator to start the process to short-sell my home back in home state. I have been procrastinating for days. And, I know I'm procrastinating because PC, who is notoriously not proactive, has gotten further in the process for his own property already.

Logically, it's the right thing to do. I'm losing money on it, I don't ever plan to move back in, and I don't have any moral sense of obligation to the banks. It doesn't help that the property is about 90k down from what I bought it for.

Despite the logic, as I got off the phone I had a profound sense of sadness. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I think of the 20k of savings I plopped down when I bought it and how it's just lost. Completely the worst investment I could ever have made.

I loved my place. But it hasn't been 'my place' for a couple of years now...and I don't know why I'm so sad.

Surreal

As I sit here this evening it is still surreal to me that I interviewed today. It is just how I spent two hours of my day and then went about my business. Does anyone else feel that way?

Anyway, structured interviews. I have heard about them but have not lived them. I think there's pros and cons about it. The cons are probably the very thing that they are intended to prevent.

A structured interview is basically a set of questions that all applicants receive and are directly linked to the job you are applying to. The interviewer asks the questions, you respond, and they move on. In this case, they also asked no follow on questions. The pro is that it's fair and it has a predefined criteria for what a good response should include. The con is that while I can do that, I find that much of my success in interviews is in building rapport and potentially getting them off topic.

So. We'll see. They said to expect to wait about 2 weeks to hear things while they finish interviewing and send recommendations up to the powers that be about who they want to hire.

Man is my current boss going to be pissed. Mean coworker and I are the only ones who do a major component of the job. A high visibility project. With Meany gone, my giving notice would not go over well.

I feel guilty in advance. But I figure, this whole application process was set into motion based on Boss' behavior. Unfortunately, self-insight isn't a strong point so I fully expect that my leaving will be seen as unprofessionalism when in fact it is getting out from under a really bad situation at a time that is not convenient to others.

The sun will come out...

...tomorrow. When I interview. Again. And, I'm days away from what I think will be another invitation for another interview at a new company.

I guess I should not complain about the effort of interviewing when I just recently got done complaining about all the applying.

In other news, mean team member is in fact changing teams. Effective today. There's some amusing drama around it but suffice it to say Boss is back to liking me. While I'm not a fan of Boss' drastic flip flopping based on where the wind blows, I do like not being on the shit list.

It's a start

I got an interview.

Not my favorite place or my favorite of positions...but it's a start.

Next week.

Sometimes you reach the end of your rope

Sometimes when you reach the end of your rope, like yesterday, someone reaches out and makes things a little better or a lot better depending on perspective. I know I can't always count on this type of thing but today:

1. Someone higher in the organization made sure I attended a meeting my super had uninvited me to - because the leader thought I added value. In fact, after the meeting, I was thanked for attending.
2. Mean coworker might be transferring to another team. It is up in the air, but I'm strongly supporting the move. 
3. I sense from some body language and resistance to speaking about the topic, that one person on my team who is notorious not only for not doing the job but also getting us into trouble for the work that falls under the person - may be fired. It's unusual to get fired in this industry so I have to admit - this is kinda a big deal that it's even being insinuated to be happening. 

Oh, and PC invited me into the city tonight after work to explore and have dinner.

I think new moms and married people call that 'date night'.

We call it Tuesday.

It's getting old

It's getting very old. This applying to new jobs. I've easily applied to another 5 positions since last I wrote here.

I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of revising resumes and cover letters. I'm tired of getting my hopes up that THIS one will get through. One I applied to last week was perfect. Good job, good location, good pay, and perfectly amazing company in which I'd likely spend most of my salary on their products. Today though, I looked for the job announcement in a few places...and they all seem to be pulled down...suggesting they hired someone. I was rationalizing that perhaps they were just tired of paying the fees to have their jobs posted, but I don't think that's the case.


I saw one that just opened up in the last few days. It's known (I think) for quality work.Amusingly, it's also the company that Rock Star works for.

But, it means another evening of revising. This position more broad than what I'd been applying to recently. Actually, now that I think of it it's broad like my current position is - which is the part I like about it.

(refusing to get my hopes up)

The job I interview for and was pretty sure I got...well we're several weeks out now. I've followed up a couple times and got responses about a week later on both. They say there's one more candidate they are waiting for before they make a decision.

Perhaps.

But, I'm beginning to think I don't want to work for a company that treats their job candidates like this. I like to relate work and dating - and you know you can't have much to hope for a new 'relationship' is a little wonky even in the courting - honeymoon phase. I don't have to tell you how it's going to turn out in the end.

As far as this constant applying. I think I've worked myself into a depression.

No, let me revise that statement.

My work situation is so bad at this point that I pray on a daily basis that I will get a call. Every day I experience the new common feeling of my chest tightening in anger at something new that has happened. My inability to get out of this situation or make it good in anyway is depressing me.

The research suggests that when a person takes active control of their situation it reduces the stress of the situation. I thought that sending out a couple of applications a week would do it. And, it did for a while. But now, as the wait continues to get that first call, I find myself feeling helpless to get out of my situation. Yes, I'm doing something...but once that something is out of my hands, I lose control as the resume goes out into the ether.  I try to remind myself that four of the jobs I applied to are notoriously long in responding to applicants - if at all. But, I'm finding even that frustratingly depressing because it means it may be months before I hear anything, plus time to negotiate, and then the on-boarding that (I kid you not) will take easily a month.

So you see. I'm potentially looking at being right where I am work wise in the new year.

I'm beginning to think of all these dramatic gestures I could make at work. Going to the boss-boss who seems to like me to see if they will move me. Or, going to the boss-boss-boss who I've actually worked with quite a bit up until recently. I want to believe that they will have the power to change things. More likely, however, it will further tarnish my relationship with my boss with little additional benefit to me.

So I made another therapist appointment. I don't know if my drugs aren't working anymore, but this (whatever this is) isn't working either.  Unfortunately, it's four long weeks out. 

Good and bad and good and bad

Good:
Just had three pairs of pants taken in about 2 inches. It had gotten ridiculous that my pants were all but falling off with the weight I've lost. There are worse problems I suppose.

Bad:
I don't have any clothes that really fit for our upcoming vacation this week.

Good:
I had an interview last week that would get me out of the hell I call a job.

Bad:
I haven't heard from them a week later, and yes, I sent them a thank you note the day after the interview. I've never not gotten a job I applied to and I'm beginning to get worried.

Good:
I've developed some 'friendships' at work based primarily on happy hour.

Bad:
I seem to have developed my arch-nemesis at work which is getting more and more out of hand. I've heard boss has said that I'm beating up on this person. I finally found the nerve to go talk to my boss about it. He alleges he 'considers the source' and thinks I'm a great performer. This isn't the first time he's lied to my face. Oh, and she told on me and my 'happy hour' crew to my boss who then took it out on someone in the office that didn't even go to happy hour with us.

Good:
I got a conference proposal submitted this week. I included boss and boss' boss on the authorship to build some political points.

Bad:
In the course of one conversation boss told me if it wasn't a blind review he'd be embarrassed to have it submitted with our name and affiliation on it and would in fact not allow me to submit it and this was the first time he'd ever seem me fall down on the job BUT that it was a really good paper, very well written for it being written in only two days (by myself). I've easily had 10 papers submitted at this conference over the years - boss? Maybe one? 

Good:
There's a couple of job openings I can apply to this weekend (though it will likely take months to hear back)

Bad:
Got confirmation last night my current boss didn't want to hire me last year. I'd come to this hypothesis based on a couple factors. The largest one is that he chose a crappy candidate over the amazing candidate because he was worried the better one would leave. The crappy one is who I competed against last year. When we got the opportunity to hire another person, he actually strongly resisted calling the amazing one. I will forever wonder if a job I didn't hear back about was actually because I was too good for the job (and I don't mean in the unqualified kind of way).

Decision isn't a decision until there's an option

Last week I interviewed for the second time with this particular company - this time in person. It was a long day of meeting someone new in the company every half hour or so. I started off the day with an activity I'd do on the job - a case study so to speak. Mid-day I had lunch with someone I'd supervise. And I concluded the day with the CEO. Somehow that last interview went from a scheduled hour to several hours. I attribute this extension more to his liking to talk than to me per se. Overall, I'd say I got along with about 50% of the people I spoke to - the other 50% were awkward (I'm not sure if that's my fault or theirs). It's a relatively small company so I'd say I met around half of everyone there.

I fully expect an offer.

I think the job would be interesting. It would be back to a lot of analysis and a heavy emphasis on publishing - which I haven't been doing much of lately.

Here's the weird thing about it. I'm hesitant about the job because I keep thinking - I hate analysis. I hate writing. Yet, in every job outside of my graduate work I've looked for opportunities to gather data and publish. So, it's hard to say I actually hate it. Furthermore because my coworkers at my current job have integrated 'data' into my nickname.

I enjoyed the experience of interviewing (I almost always do). I like the location it's in - lots of shopping, cute places to eat, trendy - though the location is kind of a pain from a commuting perspective. I like the topic area of the company. I believe them when they say they are growing rapidly and well positioned when this particular niche becomes even more prominent.

And I keep thinking "I just cannot stay where I am" so this HAS to be better.

Today I came to the realization that perhaps I'm so so because I'm positioning it as either-or in my head. I wonder if I had other options if this would make this position more or less attractive. That said, I don't really know how to look for jobs other than those on my professional society website. Monster etc are completely useless in my experience. I can't mention it on linkedin because current coworkers are linked to me. I've gone to the websites of some of the places I know hire my type of skills but there's nothing that jumps out.

I guess the decision isn't a decision until an option presents itself to make a decision about.

Or something.

How'd we get here?

I'm trying to be excited about my second interview with a company. I don't know why I'm so...eh about it. Meanwhile, things at my current job have deteriorated to the point my boss no longer makes eye contact with me. Mean coworker continues to tell boss that I'm mean to her and boss has bought it hook-line-and-sinker. In fact, boss has begun dismissing my work - in fact my work was literally redone last week by mean coworker because it was 'all wrong'. Boss has even begun telling others that I need to be a team player.

I'm not sure how we got here, but I sure as hell don't know how to make it better without starting over somewhere new. In all of my experiences and all of my knowledge of organizational dynamics...I have zero recommendations for someone if they came to me with this same story.

I am sad that my dream job has come to this.

But, it's why I need to dig deep to be excited about this interview this week. I have to hope for a good offer that will make my leaving my current job and it's benefits not idiotic.

I don't know if my 'eh' is a warning sign (we see where excitement over dream job got me) or if it's a sign that I'm finally getting over hoping that work will be everything I thought it was supposed to be.

Dare

Earthquake, hurricane, and the tornadoes no one has mentioned stemming from said hurricane...I think we've about got all the major natural disasters taken care of in less than 7 days.

I dare mother nature to throw in a blizzard this week.

Facing mortality

It's not often I really consider 'this could be the end' outside of being on airplanes. That is until I was racing down 12 flights of stairs, barefoot, in the hopes that my building wasn't going to crash down around me before I could get out.

There's a lot of joking about the over reaction to the earthquakes today. And yes, in the grand scheme of things it wasn't so bad. But in the course of living it...you don't know that.

When the rumbles first started, I assumed it was construction on the floor above me. As the rumbling continued and became more pronounced, I thought bomb.

In Dream State, bombs are a very real possibility. In fact, since I've been here I've had my building evacuated to clear for a bomb across the street. That too was a day I considered what would happen if I didn't get home.

But as the rumbling continued and the shaking became more pronounced - I stepped into the hall way, making eye contact with someone who works across from me, both of us wondering if we were feeling what we were feeling. As our eyes met we both decided we were getting the hell out of there.

Grabbing purses and removing heels, we raced down the flights. At the 6th floor, I couldn't believe we were only at 6. As we continued down, my legs started getting weak just from the fast pace and heavy impact of being barefoot.

Outside, we saw all the buildings around us had also evacuated. I suppose it gave me some solace I wasn't over reacting.

But, with after shocks a very real possibility - who knows what to do next? I certainly had no plan to be on the 12 floor. I also realized there was no way I was metro-ing home. Um, I've been to Universal Studios on the Earthquake ride. I know how that plays out. With a city of people evacuating, I wasn't going to bother looking for a cab. Too far to walk home (never mind my apartment building also evacuated and were not allowing residents to enter - so there was no point in trying to get home).

Add to this heat...and ugh. So I did the next best thing. I walked to a restaurant, had a few drinks and some happy hour apps, and headed home a good 5 hours later.

Walking back to my apartment I noticed other buildings with signs stating "Enter at own risk".

All of this made me consider the possibility I could die much earlier than in my twilight years. It could be tomorrow as easily as it could be 40 years from tomorrow. I was reminded today, I need to update my beneficiary to PC. Having share debt, even if only an apartment and utilities, I know neither of us could afford to continue here if one of us was no longer here. Previously, I'd had my sister as my beneficiary. At the time it made sense. I liked thinking it might be a windfall for her where ever she was in life. But today, I realized I have a sense of responsibility for the good of my partner and the life we've chosen to lead.

Not a team player

Perhaps I'm unable to get along with people. It's got to be me because I'm already upset and feeling passive aggressively towards my certificate class project team.

Here's the back story:

1. A communication plan was created as well as a shared document identifying everyone's tasks for the week.
2. Had a conference call to discuss work to be accomplished mid-week as it's due on Sunday nights.
3. Silence until today - even though I turned my part in on the day we had the conference call.
4. One team member has clearly not read or understood the assignment of tasks as she did all the work I had not done. Other team member checked in to say he was only turning his part in (um, ok. That's kinda what you're supposed to do).
5. Team member who's done the remaining work now wants feedback on Sunday evening.
6. I kind of don't want to since the agreement on the communication plan explicitly said all material had to be submitted no later than Saturday afternoon.

I realize life happens. I realize my choice to do my part early was exactly that - my choice. I also realize that doing things early is not my style so I can appreciate the last-minute-ness of it all. However, a similar thing happened last week so I pulled things together quickly and got it all turned in.

Here's my thoughts: when you're working with people on drastically different time zones...pull your shit together so I'm not up till the middle of the night.

Debating what to do. Grand scheme of things - I'm not going to get a letter grade for this and if they don't care to get their shit done...I'm not picking up the slack again this week.

Fizz away!

First batch is made. Now waiting for them to dry fully to see if they hold together or not. I have to say, overall, it's a pretty easy little hobby.

It may also be kind of addictive - I'm already thinking about all the things I could add to the basic recipe to make them more unique. These were the basic recipe with just a little color added to the spritzing water and two of them have eucalyptus scent added. I've also gotten two types of salt to add (epsom and sea), clay, aloe butter, and something to make them bubble.

In other news

I've been taking an online course for the past week and a half as preparation for a certificate I want.

Yes, I know. Another three letters behind your name?

Anyway, it's a certificate I've been thinking about for some time - mostly because I actually really want to know the skills associated with the certificate.

All in all it's going pretty well. Though I did have a mini melt down about it not being fair and everyone knowing more that I do. Luckily, PC is taking a similar but different class online for the same certificate...so he got me off that cliff.

Tonight, however, was probably the most fascinating part so far. I had a conference call with my partners on my class project. One was in Canada. The other in Hawaii.

How weird is that?

More weird is that when I was talking to them at 8pm my time...it was only 2pm Hawaii time! I get the concept of time zones, but it still fascinates me.

What to do, what to do.

Hypothetically speaking, what would you do if you were asked to provide a list of references for a job opportunity that you know has not been checked yet. And, let's say that hypothetically, you're moving to the second stage (i.e., in person interview) and since you provided your initial list of references about a month ago you discovered the current-coworker reference is actually a snake. And, since discovering that said coworker is a snake, you've been working to protect your...um...ankles? But, that in attempting to protect yourself by cutting the grass and making it more obvious that the snake is a snake, said snake has become enraged and become even more snakey? As in, to the point that the snake is regularly bad-mouthing me to my boss and would likely enjoy nothing more than to make sure I don't get the new job (of course, the flip side is that if I don't get the job I will continue to work with her and as of yesterday I am now the Team Lead of Snakeville).

Do you:
1) Make nice with the snake in hope that she will still say nice things should the company call between now and two weeks from now

2) Hope that since the company has not called references so far that they will not now

3) Contact interviewing organization and request to change your reference (and if so, for what reason?)

4) Some other option I have not considered?


Hypothetically, of course.

CEO or bust!

A friend of mine told me her 43 year old CEO is getting a base salary of $800,000 with bonuses in the low millions.

I want to be a CEO.

The logical choice

Sometimes life doesn't have logic.

Imagine you have two candidates for a position.
One is a rock star on paper. Degree is from a good program, good publication record, good past work experiences, and interviews well. The other candidate is ho-hum on paper. Not an amazing program, not an amazing record, but can probably get the job done.

Now, in fantasy-world (apparently) the choice is clear.

Additional factors is that there is little opportunity for advancement, the work itself isn't super challenging or very much of it, and turnover is a concern because if there's a vacancy it may not be refilled.

Ok, so now who would you choose? Same choice?

Apparently, tis better to go with the average candidate who won't expect much, won't be as attractive to competing organizations, and more likely to stay.

I just have to shake my head.

I feel bad for the rock star who interviewed, probably went home thinking it was a hole-in-one, and will never understand why the position wasn't won. That said, the rock star probably has a chance for many other positions so...there's always plan B.

Potential addiction

For better or worse, I'm one of those people that just doesn't understand the need to buy labels. If I like the clothes, purse, shoes, etc and it happens to be a name, awesome. More often than not though, I seldom buy labels because I seldom walk into a 'lable' store.

Funny enough, I think this avoidance of labels came with my inability to afford labels when I was younger. I'm a reasonable person so I'd rather have two pairs of jeans than one super amazing brand name. It doesn't help I don't usually know the brand name and even when I do it is inevitable that I buy the 'uncool' version of whatever it is. Now, even though I can theoretically afford nicer things I feel like I am too far behind in learning about labels to be able to ask and I'm too lazy to do the research on my own.

Of course, not being a label person I hardly think the time spent researching something like labels is worth it.

That said, I've moved into a place where labels matter. Or perhaps I've become more aware of the labels. Either way, I often feel inadequate. Isn't it funny how that happens? I'm a valuable person, I do good work, I'm fun, I'm recently thin. Yet somehow...

That said, I decided to be on the market for a new bag to carry to/from work everyday. When I first moved here, the girls from my old job chipped in and bought me a big bag. It's nice looking, goes with most everything, and was a life saver because I don't know that I ever would have successfully bought a bag like it because I am fundamentally against the big bags. In a sense it was a functionally required entry drug.

I think they are called hobo bags. But what do I know?

Anyway, I've used the bag daily now for nearly a year and it's growing a bit worn around the edges. I've also found myself increasingly covetous of others' bags as I go to and from work. I decided this weekend I was going to get a new bag and it was going to be a name of some sort.

First challenge, I don't even know what names are high end. I mean, I remember Guess and Nine West being expensive when I was a  kid...but I don't know if that means they are expensive in adult terms or where they stand in terms of what the cool kids wear these days.

I've agonized, I've nearly fallen over when I find interesting bags and they turn out to be upwards of $400, I've searched. I drug PC to the stores today to help because he's all about me having nice things (I imagine it's easier to want someone to have nice things when the other person is paying for it themselves). Together we looked at a million bags. Or, 50. Whatever.

Finally, one caught my eye. It needed to be a label, it needed to fit my shoes and lunch (I bought a shoe bag - yet another thing I never knew I'd need), my small umbrella, and various other important purse things. Unfortunately the bag that caught my eye not only might not fit all those things comfortably - I was frankly worried that no one would know that the bag was a label. I figure if I'm going to spend that much money...someone better freaking know.

And then I found it. It met all the criteria. I bought my first Coach.

Thankfully I bought it for less (from the actual Coach store) and in black. The black version as a really neat hot pink sateen inside. And, today I learned that bags like Coach come with bags in which you 'store them while you aren't using them.'

Weird because my purse usually lives on the floor by the door.

So guess what happened on my way home with my newly purchased Coach. No, it was not stolen and no nothing was spilled on it - but thanks for wishing that on me.

I realized that my everyday going-out purses were now inadequate. I mean how ridiculous is it that I carry such a nice bag to and from work everyday...but I can't spring for a nice going out purse?

Oy vey. I sense I may have an addiction forming.

In search of a hobby

I have a problem that you're probably going to roll your eyes at. I have zero hobbies. I've spent so much of my adult life in school in which school was my 'hobby' that I never developed a hobby.*

Unless, of course, you consider drinking and being analytical a hobby.

I've tried this bit about being a mixologist. While fun, the problem is that it's difficult to have every liquor and ingredient a given recipe calls for...and I often lose interest once I realize it calls for a trip to a store. Furthermore, I find that I have zero knack for making up drinks. Usually when I throw a couple things together...it's disgusting.  PC on the other hand does this and has amazing drinks we have a hard time replicating because it's a dash of this and that. On top of all these barriers, it's hard to practice too terribly much because you end up drunk.

I suppose this is the partial goal...but it's a real bitch to perfect the skill after a few rounds in.

PC thinking cooking is my hobby. I suppose. I do really like to cook. He's commented that he doesn't think we've ever had the same meal in all the years we've dated. In many accounts this is probably true. Even something as simple as a hamburger is likely to get some new additions each time we make them. Because I like food, I can generally add things here and there that just make sense to me...and taste pretty good on the completed side.

Mind you, I don't make fancy stuff for the most part...mostly because I really hate working from recipes entirely. I also don't bake much because I think that's more of a science...chemical reactions make things fluff up, not fluff up, etc.

That said, I don't think of cooking as a hobby because it's mostly just me and PC that eat it...and it's usually a meal of some sort...which makes it a relatively fun chore.

This chore concern came to a head last week when on our group walk the topic of hobbies came up. And I had nothing.

As a good researcher, I immediately came home and researched hobby options.

I hate games (chess, cards, computer games), I don't have the room for collecting (nor am I fascinated enough with anything to collect anything), and I have no yard (gardening could be an option though beyond planting and picking, I don't know that I'd like getting into the science of fertilizer).  And, as I mentioned I don't see cooking as a hobby.

So what to hob?

PC came up with the idea of bath bombs. It's a nice combination of 'cooking' with an outcome that could be kind of cool and won't make us fat or drunk.

From my research so far, I might be a little behind on this hobby since almost all the blogs I've found on the topic are from about several years back (see here, here, here). Alas. I've gotten my baking soda and received my order of citric acid...now I'm just waiting for my molds to arrive and I'll be ready to play at my new hobby. I've also ordered a couple books (one is admittedly on making popsicles, another 'hobby' that PC requested) to learn how to make bath bombs as well as other natural bath products.

If you know me in RL, don't be surprised if you get some of these for random holidays. :)

I should note that as a result of my searches for my new 'hobby' I discovered homemade dry dog shampoo recipes. Since our pup has been rather stinky and I don't have the energy to take her to be bathed and groomed...I tried it out. Freaking amazing. No dog smell. Natural so I don't worry if she decides to eat the left overs off the floor (how desperate must one be to lick the carpet to get at baking soda, salt, and corn starch?). And, I happened to have all the ingredients without a trip to the store (an important component of my not losing interest).

Um, and it worked pretty well on the cat as well.

*And apparently because I have no plan for kids, I have an exorbinant amount of time on my hands that others find annoying.