Becoming more real

As we move forward on the short sales, little things keep giving us pause that we're really doing this. It's been more than once when one of us says to the other, "This means we're really doing it." "It's the right thing to do....right?" "It'll be nice to get it off our shoulders...and that's worth the hit to our credit...right?"

Perhaps it's like any major life change.

Nonetheless, as we sign and fax our listing agreement and we begin the process of putting our savings in the mattress...I get little heart palpitations.

It's the right thing to do

Today I spoke with a relator to start the process to short-sell my home back in home state. I have been procrastinating for days. And, I know I'm procrastinating because PC, who is notoriously not proactive, has gotten further in the process for his own property already.

Logically, it's the right thing to do. I'm losing money on it, I don't ever plan to move back in, and I don't have any moral sense of obligation to the banks. It doesn't help that the property is about 90k down from what I bought it for.

Despite the logic, as I got off the phone I had a profound sense of sadness. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I think of the 20k of savings I plopped down when I bought it and how it's just lost. Completely the worst investment I could ever have made.

I loved my place. But it hasn't been 'my place' for a couple of years now...and I don't know why I'm so sad.

Surreal

As I sit here this evening it is still surreal to me that I interviewed today. It is just how I spent two hours of my day and then went about my business. Does anyone else feel that way?

Anyway, structured interviews. I have heard about them but have not lived them. I think there's pros and cons about it. The cons are probably the very thing that they are intended to prevent.

A structured interview is basically a set of questions that all applicants receive and are directly linked to the job you are applying to. The interviewer asks the questions, you respond, and they move on. In this case, they also asked no follow on questions. The pro is that it's fair and it has a predefined criteria for what a good response should include. The con is that while I can do that, I find that much of my success in interviews is in building rapport and potentially getting them off topic.

So. We'll see. They said to expect to wait about 2 weeks to hear things while they finish interviewing and send recommendations up to the powers that be about who they want to hire.

Man is my current boss going to be pissed. Mean coworker and I are the only ones who do a major component of the job. A high visibility project. With Meany gone, my giving notice would not go over well.

I feel guilty in advance. But I figure, this whole application process was set into motion based on Boss' behavior. Unfortunately, self-insight isn't a strong point so I fully expect that my leaving will be seen as unprofessionalism when in fact it is getting out from under a really bad situation at a time that is not convenient to others.

The sun will come out...

...tomorrow. When I interview. Again. And, I'm days away from what I think will be another invitation for another interview at a new company.

I guess I should not complain about the effort of interviewing when I just recently got done complaining about all the applying.

In other news, mean team member is in fact changing teams. Effective today. There's some amusing drama around it but suffice it to say Boss is back to liking me. While I'm not a fan of Boss' drastic flip flopping based on where the wind blows, I do like not being on the shit list.

It's a start

I got an interview.

Not my favorite place or my favorite of positions...but it's a start.

Next week.

Sometimes you reach the end of your rope

Sometimes when you reach the end of your rope, like yesterday, someone reaches out and makes things a little better or a lot better depending on perspective. I know I can't always count on this type of thing but today:

1. Someone higher in the organization made sure I attended a meeting my super had uninvited me to - because the leader thought I added value. In fact, after the meeting, I was thanked for attending.
2. Mean coworker might be transferring to another team. It is up in the air, but I'm strongly supporting the move. 
3. I sense from some body language and resistance to speaking about the topic, that one person on my team who is notorious not only for not doing the job but also getting us into trouble for the work that falls under the person - may be fired. It's unusual to get fired in this industry so I have to admit - this is kinda a big deal that it's even being insinuated to be happening. 

Oh, and PC invited me into the city tonight after work to explore and have dinner.

I think new moms and married people call that 'date night'.

We call it Tuesday.

It's getting old

It's getting very old. This applying to new jobs. I've easily applied to another 5 positions since last I wrote here.

I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of revising resumes and cover letters. I'm tired of getting my hopes up that THIS one will get through. One I applied to last week was perfect. Good job, good location, good pay, and perfectly amazing company in which I'd likely spend most of my salary on their products. Today though, I looked for the job announcement in a few places...and they all seem to be pulled down...suggesting they hired someone. I was rationalizing that perhaps they were just tired of paying the fees to have their jobs posted, but I don't think that's the case.


I saw one that just opened up in the last few days. It's known (I think) for quality work.Amusingly, it's also the company that Rock Star works for.

But, it means another evening of revising. This position more broad than what I'd been applying to recently. Actually, now that I think of it it's broad like my current position is - which is the part I like about it.

(refusing to get my hopes up)

The job I interview for and was pretty sure I got...well we're several weeks out now. I've followed up a couple times and got responses about a week later on both. They say there's one more candidate they are waiting for before they make a decision.

Perhaps.

But, I'm beginning to think I don't want to work for a company that treats their job candidates like this. I like to relate work and dating - and you know you can't have much to hope for a new 'relationship' is a little wonky even in the courting - honeymoon phase. I don't have to tell you how it's going to turn out in the end.

As far as this constant applying. I think I've worked myself into a depression.

No, let me revise that statement.

My work situation is so bad at this point that I pray on a daily basis that I will get a call. Every day I experience the new common feeling of my chest tightening in anger at something new that has happened. My inability to get out of this situation or make it good in anyway is depressing me.

The research suggests that when a person takes active control of their situation it reduces the stress of the situation. I thought that sending out a couple of applications a week would do it. And, it did for a while. But now, as the wait continues to get that first call, I find myself feeling helpless to get out of my situation. Yes, I'm doing something...but once that something is out of my hands, I lose control as the resume goes out into the ether.  I try to remind myself that four of the jobs I applied to are notoriously long in responding to applicants - if at all. But, I'm finding even that frustratingly depressing because it means it may be months before I hear anything, plus time to negotiate, and then the on-boarding that (I kid you not) will take easily a month.

So you see. I'm potentially looking at being right where I am work wise in the new year.

I'm beginning to think of all these dramatic gestures I could make at work. Going to the boss-boss who seems to like me to see if they will move me. Or, going to the boss-boss-boss who I've actually worked with quite a bit up until recently. I want to believe that they will have the power to change things. More likely, however, it will further tarnish my relationship with my boss with little additional benefit to me.

So I made another therapist appointment. I don't know if my drugs aren't working anymore, but this (whatever this is) isn't working either.  Unfortunately, it's four long weeks out.