I worry

So much is going on in my head, I'm not really sure where to start.

Superficially, let's go with the easy stuff. I've spent the last two weekends, I don't know how many hours and miles of walking, looking for a place for us to live. Actually, I'd say it's been more than even two weekends. After PC's visit this weekend, we visited my final 6. All 6 were voted down. All for valid reasons, of course, but I have to admit I was pretty dejected at the idea I had to start over. Ultimately, I found and signed for our new place just a day later. We'll be living here:

One of those balconies on the 12th floor is ours.

It's admittedly more swanky than any place I ever imagined myself living, and I'd have to imagine PC would say the same thing. The rent on this place is twice my mortgage.

It seems to lack prudence on our part to take on this expense. But, PC and I had a talk this weekend. We agreed we've been 'doing the right thing' and 'being safe' and 'being on hold' for our entire lives. And, the thought of moving into another place that looked and felt temporary would just put our lives on hold further. We won't be having children. We both put money in savings for retirement. We deserve to live. We deserve to have nice things.

That being said, I was promoted this week, and now make more money than I ever have made in my life. I have a job in an industry in which I am unlikely to ever be let go. Conversely, PC's job is on the rocks and he's looking at soon being unemployed with no active prospects. But, we both have great hope that it's just a matter of him moving to Dream State to make the right contacts that will put him in a similar situation to mine.*

Despite all this, I am plagued with guilt. Guilt that I am yanking him out of his home, causing him to sell all of his possessions (he reminded me again, he's sold everything that is his including soon his car and we're keeping all of my furniture and my crappy car), blowing through his (and mine) savings in the coming months while he's nearly unemployed, paying rent/mortgage, and helping with moving expenses, and uprooting his pets. I've even begun worrying about the health of his geriatric cat and how she will handle this move and my responsibility for her demise should the stress be too much.

While he does this mostly without complaint, and I know I am doing it with a pure heart, I am still plagued by endless guilt.

I sometimes wonder when I am going to give in and just undo all I have done and move back to Florida. I sometime imagine my giving notice and returning to my job back there and pretending this was all just a lark. It doesn't matter how many times he tells me he wanted a change and know this will be a good thing or how much I love my job...I still feel guilt. I still wonder if we are on the brink of disaster for making what might be financially unsound decisions when his work is unsure, the economy unstable, and us having limited savings.

It is no wonder why, when my renter for my townhouse gave notice today (whom I expected to be there through at least mid-year of next year), I fell down a deep, deep rabbit hole.

The rabbit hole of fear and guilt and doubt. A rabbit hole in which I couldn't handle basic things like seeing another email pop into my mail box or of sitting through a staff meeting.

Somewhere, outside of my head, I know that things will work out. I know that this is a small bump. I know that we have people who would bail us out if we they had to (though I imagine we'd both file bankruptcy out of pride first).

And so unfortunately, on the coat tails of a promotion, knowing PC is officially moving up before New Years, finding a place that not only works for us but has people who are famous living in it, I worry.

I worry, and worry and worry.

*Current political atmosphere completely being ignored for the sake of not peeing in our cheerios. But Obama...not our bestest friend at the moment.

I can see you

For the last few days, I've debated aloud or in my head this issue of the 'naked scanners'. Truth be told, I don't have a firm side upon which I stand on the issue.

I by no means want to be exploded. As I flew home this weekend, I actually wondered to myself whether you'd be dead immediately if the plane were to explode or if you'd have to live through the fear of falling to the earth knowing there was nearly certain death. Thankfully, PC happened to read an article in one of his 'boy magazines' about how to survive when falling out of a plane.

(Quick tip? Bring goggles. Apparently, your eyes will dry out without them and pretty much all the next steps to surviving the fall will be useless to you if you can't see).

Yes, I know. Uplifting thoughts while flying. As if it wasn't bad enough I'm already scared of mechanical or pilot errors causing us to plummet to our deaths.

I also don't have any serious issue with the whole being naked thing per se. I change openly in locker rooms. I'm not ashamed of my appearance and I don't think people are exactly going out of their way to catch a glimpse of my grainy black and white hoo-ha images.

I think my hang up is, is this truly the only option? Was there no less invasive means to accomplish this level of safety? And, would this method, had it been in place, really have prevented someone getting past security? And I further wonder, if perhaps TSA was better about enforcing lower level security measures whether this one would be needed. Or, on the other hand, if they ultimately enforce this level of security the way they do the lower levels, won't it be a useless, expensive invasion of privacy that statistically is unlikely to pick up the one person in a million that walks through with the equivalent of an underwear bomb?

I think about how only 1 in 10 times does a TSA person notice I have a random lip gloss of less than .5 oz in my purse that I genuinely forgot about and then insists I throw it away because it's not in their m*f*ing pint sized bag. I get the bag is a rule. I also get that it's aimed at being consistent and limiting the amount of liquid we can bring on. But it's not consistently enforced and my lip gloss is clearly no less of a risk because of the super powers of a zip lock bag.

I also wonder about this 'naked scanner', what about the women/teenage girls walking through with sanitary pads? I imagine that looks a lot like a underwear bomb. Are the women going to be asked to remove their underwear to show they're not planning a bombing? Or, will TSA agents guess that the woman is not likely a risk based on some profile...and let her go. Or, how about those wearing adult diapers? Could you imagine the embarrassment of having to tell TSAs that yes, you have an incontinence issue? Do they believe you or do you have to show them your diaper? Will this scanner and the enforcement of it become as inconsistent and useless as the pint bag rule?

I also then begin wondering why it is that there's so much focus on air travel. For one, I get on a metro every day wherein at any given stop, there are as many if not more potential victims than would be on a given aircraft...and yet there's no security measures beyond telling riders to watch for suspicious packages.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating to add metal detectors and naked scanners to my daily commute, but I wonder 'why air?' Hasn't there been as many attempts on other modes of transportation as there has been with air? And why mandate it on the one means of public transportation that you can't avoid? I mean, I can't reasonably choose not to fly from here on out. Driving to California or Greece or the islands just isn't reasonable and/or possible. Conversely, if enforced say on a metro and I didn't want to comply I could choose to walk, bike, drive to work. 

I think another thing that irks me about it is that the government has implemented and has decided we will just have to accept it because it is best for us. It feels parental. And you know, I do appreciate the government looking out for my best interests, and I get that they have more information about the risks than I do, but we're adults. And I think we deserve a discussion and I think we deserve to be told that this is the best they can do right now and that they are looking for less invasive means (and I think that they should be).

And I think that it's going to be unfair that pilots and/or aircrew are trying to opt out. Why are they any less likely to be undercover than me? I mean, seriously, I so badly want that aircraft to stay in the air that I spend most flights lifting up on the arm rests and not going to the bathroom so as not to jostle the plane in any way. In fact, I bet I want it to stay up more than they do sometimes with the way they just wander up and down the aisles and take sharp turns into landing paths to runways.

I find it annoying that the people that are accepting of the scanners are trying to minimize the concerns of those that are questioning the scanners down to 'it's not like TSA is getting off on seeing you naked'. I concur. It's not porn. But do they have the right? Do I not have the right to say no (realizing I cannot not fly to Florida, in which case saying no isn't REALLY an option)? I also find it annoying the self-righteous people that say they will accept any level of invasion that results in them being safe. First, the basic premise here is assuming I like the idea of being exploded. False. And second, that this is the sure fire safety measure that will remove all risk to flying. False.

Because let me let you in on a working theory of mine. I bet you, you have a greater chance of death, statistically speaking, from someone's freaking luggage that they stuffed in the overhead to save the $20 plus dollars on fees falling on your head than someone getting through our security and exploding the plane. So if someone out there wants to make my flight safer - how about we outlaw the damn luggage fees? Side benefit: I bet you wait time through security will drop drastically.

Lessons on clothing

One of the most fascinating aspects of moving to Dream State, is my entirely new education on clothing. I don't think this is fully appreciated by anyone who grew up in the cold or even semi-regularly seeing snow. But here's a few of the things I've found most interesting.

First of all this whole 'layering' business. Overall, I want to punch someone if they say "You just have to layer" when I mention it being cold. I'm sure to people that have lived in this climate knows what this means and is used to it, but I generally just cringe at the idea of how much laundry this layering business is going to generate. But, alas, I've been trying. Now that we're pretty constantly in the 50's now, I don't leave the house with a jacket of some kind at least. I'm also learning the joy of scarves as a useful part of being warm, and a nice color accent. I imagine when I run out of things to match my current scarves it will stress me out. I also pretty much always wear an undershirt of some kind now - right now tanks because it's what I have but I'd really like some long sleeve t shirts. I also have a new appreciation for turtle necks. Before it was an occasional statement, now it's a scarf alternative.  I've also started to understand the mix of sweater content - wool, acrylic, etc - and the impact on warmth.

Add it all together: tank, shirt, scarf, jacket. Sometimes a sweater between the shirt and jacket.

Jackets and gloves can be a fashion statement or functional. I've always thought those suit blazers were a bit much, now I understand they fit into layering. I've also had someone comment on my outter jacket as: Oh, you're going with warm, I'm trying to pull off cute. Normally I'd be offended, but I will say I was in fact warm.

And gloves - my goodness. The need for lining or not, leather or wool, fingers or no fingers or mittens, tops of mittens that detach for fingerless gloves. Match, don't match? How many sets are enough?

I also finally broke down and bought knee high boots. Being someone with thicker calves, I've never thought I'd be able to buy them. But, after some looking around I found a pair that were entirely stretchy that look like suede. I also discovered why people wear skinny jeans - to fit inside said boots. Who knew? That seems much more reasonable of a reason than because the sausage look is in. And, boots also gave new meaning to 'boot cut'. It's not just to balance out the thickness of my legs...it's to fit over boots. Weird, huh?

Oh, and another mystery solved....knee socks. Apparently for wearing under knee high boots.  Crazy.

Trouser socks...I'm still not quite sold. I've put away shorts as that's not even an inkling of a possibility until next year sometime, as well as sundresses and sleeveless shirts.

It made me think

When I was deciding to move to Dream State, I thought about the history, the architecture, the job opportunities, the change in seasons, the wine festivals, the change in general...

What I didn't think about is that Dream State is a hot spot when it comes to being a target for those not thrilled with the US. That attacks, bombs, shootings, and the general desire to have innocent, collateral damage to make a point would become a part of the fabric of my life.

Maybe not every day exactly but having to go through a metal detector every day and having my lunch scanned every morning is just a tiny indicator that the level of danger in my day to day is higher.

When I got a text update this afternoon that police activity was causing a disruption to the metro I take to and from work every day and can be seen from my work window, I didn't think a whole lot about it. I imagined someone getting into an altercation that had to be broken up by the authorities. Not long after the first text, I got another update that my station was being closed due to police activity. Not long after that, another update about a suspicious package.

Making the trek to the window to see for myself what was going on, I could see that police tape had been strung up to block off the roads around my building and a bomb robot was being deployed.

At first, the robot seemed a novel thing that the average person doesn't get to see. Rumors began to circulate that other nearby buildings had been evacuated.

Discussion of an alternate metro came up...but that perhaps a taxi was a better idea...that we should remove our IDs as we exited our offices so as not to draw attention to ourselves...

Fear began to set in.

I realize I didn't become a victim today. I realize that to the best of my knowledge the suspicious package didn't turn out to be a bomb. I realize that everything is ok.

But it made me think. I haven't done anything wrong. I have no strong political stances. Yet, because of where I work, who I work for, and where I live, my life may someday be sacrificed in a war that no one fully understands. In a war that in some ways, only exists in the minds of delusional extremists.

I don't know that I'm too terribly excited about all that.

Though, I am pretty damn excited that PC arrives to visit tonight. I need a hug.

It's weird to think that we're hoping the PC will get news that he'll be layed off in December.

Weirder, I am feeling a bit of anxiety.

Pick a side

I just want to say, first, getting up at 5am to run should count twice. It should count an extra time because it's flipping cold here in Dream State at 5am. Like 50 degrees. In Florida, I had to run at 6am to be in 80 degree weather.

I digress.

So, as you could imagine I'm not terribly pleasant at 5am, especially when I'm running and I'm cold. Weirdly, however, I am by no means the only one out on the road. It is very, very, very weird to me just how many people are on the road running and biking in this freakishly cold weather and freakishly early hour.

Again, not my point.

My point is, anyone on the road running at this hour is by no means a novice. Well, perhaps I sort of am, but I'm considerate. Which counts for 'not novice'. Yet, I cannot tell you how many people I want to push into oncoming traffic because they have no seeming awareness that the sidewalk is actually made for two-way traffic and they aren't a fucking parade.

Today, I'm running along, trying not to freeze and die or die then freeze when I come across three people across worth of runners.

THREE!

Now any normal threesome would see me coming along and one would slow a bit to allow for me to pass.

These bastards did not, and I nearly grazed the building as I tried to squeeze past. Clearly, it was too dark outside still for them to see my death glare of disgust. I cursed them in my head and continued.

I completed my halfway point and started back. I get to a portion of my path that's a bridge. I nice wide bridge made for pedestrians. It's gotten later since I began so there's more pedestrian traffic.

More bikes. More runners. So on, and so forth.

Not so oddly enough, I catch up with my threesome.

Only now they've spread even further apart to utilize all of the bridge space, and continue to cause runners in the opposite direction to squeeze through. However, as a bike whizzed towards them I did notice they quickly moved. I tried to use that little gap of bike space but nearly got squished again.

This time, in my most annoyed voice, I said "excuse me".

I tried to again use my death glare.

Almost done with my run, I'm heading back into civilization only to come across someone coming out of StarSucks in her little business suit (I'm not hating, just describing). And she is literally weaving down the center of the sidewalk looking at her coffee cup.

Um, eyes on the path when walking, Coffee is a-okay without a chaperone. Promise.

So again, I'm trying to judge which side to pass her on. I barely make it past her and I seem to almost frighten her as I jog past. Which, I find particularly odd since I'm by no means a ninja runner. In fact, I've been known to not pick up my feet totally so I make occasional scraping sounds.

Here's what I want to know.

WHY do people seem to be oblivious that there are normal courtesies on sidewalks? I'm not asking for friendly chit chat. I'm asking you to pick a side...it doesn't even have to be the right side. Just a side so that normal people can go about their business and we can all continue to not make eye contact and not make small talk.

Okay?

I'm just saying, I may be from the south, but not the nice part of the south. I'll give you a verbal smack down before 6am without a thought. I'm just biding my time to see if people tend to hit or scratch first.

Thanks, kisses!

Non-negotiable

I had this weird sense of nostalgia today. My college years specifically. In fact, if I hadn't had to wash it, I totally would have been in my college sweat shirt today.

One of the non-negotiables in my future 'permanent' apartment with PC will be an in-apartment washer and drier. In all seriousness, it would not have been a negotiable now if not for the fact that I'm on a month to month lease in a furnished apartment within walking distance of a metro...so something had to give.

Anyway, there is something to be said for being able to do 3 loads of laundry simultaneously...but, I was totally waiting for some random to come talk to me while I was organizing my unmentionables. Talk about peer pressure for getting rid of any of my old, non-VS bras and panties.

Luckily, no one spoke to me over my unmentionables. No clothing appears to have been stolen. Two socks seem to have committed hari-cari and ripped their heels out...which I find extremely odd that two  socks with the same injuries would have shown up in the same load when there was no sign of near-death when I wore them last. But alas. Perhaps socks will be on the list of 'athletic wear for the freaking frozen tundra' that Dream State is quickly becoming.