We needed that

You ever have one of those days where pretty much everything pisses you off?

That was my yesterday. Poor PC took the brunt of it since he's pretty much the only one I see on the weekends. He couldn't do a thing right.

Well, in all honesty, he did do stuff that was pissed off worthy. It was just that it was kinda in a string across an entire day.

:(

Anyway, the good news is that despite our bickering most of the day we sucked it up, got dressed up, and headed into the city. Where we found our new favorite bar.

We needed that.

Check out

It makes me sad that I am unwilling to argue for my perspective because:

1) I don't plan to live with the consequences of the decision

2) it doesn't matter because nothing is going to change

3) it's easier than having to stay on the phone with the person and pretend that I care or that something will change

 

In sum, I've checked out.

 

Where's it going?

As part of my birthday resolutions, I decided to increase my water intake. I know this is probably one of the most common health goals but it's extremely hard for me because I absolutely hate water.

Yes, I hate water. Yes, I know it doesn't taste like anything so how could I hate it.

I hate it because it tastes like nothing. Anyone else who hates water understands this. Anyone that doesn't hate water never seems to get this.

Alas. My point.

I came up with an ingenious solution. I developed a "Water Cocktail". It includes, one packet Splenda and one very squeezed piece of lime. This week at the grocery store, I even bought a bag of key limes. A halved key lime is perfect for an 8oz glass.

At the current pace, with access to the three primary ingredients I easily consume my 8 glasses of water. In fact, I might be getting more than my eight glasses. And bonus, vitamin C!

Yes, I know there are some that suggest that drinking more than 8 glasses of water may be dangerous. Some disagree. But either way, I can't stop.

I also sometimes debate whether I'm going to end up with cancer of some sort when someone figures out that the long term effect of Splenda intake is actually harmful. And, I also sometimes wonder where all the water is going because I don't think there's a one to one relationship between intake and output...if you know what I mean.

Also of note, I'm no less starving all the time. Which is unfortunate.

My soul slipped today

It's never a good idea to blog angry. Things are said, they're here forever, etc etc.

So I've waited a few hours to cool down. And I think that while I'm still somewhat angry, I'm mostly disappointed. I'm disappointed that fear and apathy get in the way of doing good work. I'm disappointed that the powers that be squash the efforts of those coming up the ranks efforts to do the work properly – not because there's no budget it to do it or because they personally don't see the value – but because they are not willing to go to bat to say this is the proper way to do it and I'm not going to run a shop that half-asses things before we're told no.

My dream job is melting. What started off as a sandbox of amazing possibility, is turning quickly into a sinkhole of my soul. Initially, I was lead to believe that change was not only needed, but desired. Yet, I'm experiencing more and more roadblocks down to the very lowest levels of the chain. My experience and training is not only questioned, I'm more often not invited to meetings related to my sandbox, and those that are supposed to be advocating for my work has in short indicated that it's basic common sense anyone could do but also that it's meaningless to use in any larger decision making processes.

Which makes sense, because what was being done before I arrived wasn't working, so a new perspective can't possibly be worthwhile to consider – especially since you went out of your way to HIRE this new perspective.

Despite this, I accepted that a portion of my job was too visible and too political to make any good headway. I decided that if I made a strong showing in another area, I'd build some credibility on top of helping facilitate change in perhaps a back-door approach than the other project. Up until today, I was given almost entire leeway to craft the project that used my research experiences and my consulting experiences – I was going to accomplish something cool in application as well as set myself up for several articles in the future and position my organization to be a benchmarking organization.

Then the rug was pulled out from under me. For no reason other than 1) we don't think anyone will care about the results and 2) we don't think anyone would answer surveys honestly (though I'd included ways to ensure more honest responding), a large, important part of my project was vetoed. It wasn't a money or time thing, it was an apathy thing and the person openly admitted that it was professionally the wrong thing to do. And then, the blame was placed on a superior who vetoed it when I know that it was pitched to the superior as 'not recommended' who merely agreed without getting a pitch for why it was important and necessary. Not only do I not like the outcome or the manipulation of the outcome, but I mostly don't like the lying that it was the superior's decision when I know the person wasn't in support of it but wasn't willing to just say no to me directly. It's dishonest, and it's weak.

And, it was today that my soul slipped away from this job. Sadly, I have another six months before I can take a new position for various monetary reasons. It will be a sad journey of working hard to just get to the exit point. It also leaves me in a position of where do I go from here?

I'm considering academia – though I know that is brutal and of late I haven't been setting myself up to be a strong candidate. I'm also considering opening my own firm – but worry about my own abilities in marketing, networking, and selling my skills in a market flooded by others that do similar types of work.  

 

Flowers of Dream State

Confirmed renewal

I had a dream last night (yes, I know no one cares to read about other people's dreams I just have a point to make) that I gave birth*. In my dream it was as though I knew I was pregnant, but just didn't get around to preparing for it. As in, no car carrier thing and no name.

The name and car carrier played a large part because 1) I couldn't update my FB status unless I had a name, and 2) we were on our way somewhere and I wasn't sure how we were going to get the baby clean and in the car with no preparations or a car carrier in time for wherever we were going.

Anyway, immediately upon waking I decided to check out the birth interpretation for dreams.

According to my most used dream interpretation source, giving birth means:

To dream of giving birth or see someone else giving birth, suggests that you are giving birth to a new idea or project. It also represents a new attitude, fresh beginnings or a major  event.  Alternatively, the dream may be calling attention to your inner child and the potential for you to grow. A more direct interpretation of this dream, may represent your desires/ anxieties of giving birth or the anticipation for such an event to occur.
So I guess I wasn't kidding about renewal yesterday. Perhaps it's suggesting that while I'm going to have a new idea, project, or attitude, I haven't really been doing my due diligence to prepare for it - that I'm too focused on schedule and updating FB to fully appreciate where I'm going and whom I've the potential to be.

Or, the dream could also be in part due to my dear friend, Shorty, giving birth last night.

*To a human baby, by the way because apparently that clarification is needed for good interpretation.

Renewal

I thought I knew what spring was, but I was wrong. I’ve heard about the whole renewal business, but living in Florida spring has always looked a lot like summer but a little (very little) cooler. I was baffled by why people were so intrigued by it.

Until I lived it.

When I first moved to Dream State, I really thought fall was my favorite season. What with the cooler weather and pretty leaves. Apple cider, apple butter, bonfires, and smores all helped. Then winter came. And while I wasn’t thrilled with the transition from 70 degree weather to 40s, the snow was amazing. I did a lot of playing in the snow, watching the snow, looking at all the leaves and blades of grass covered in ice. Learning what freezing rain is. All amazing.

I’m not being sarcastic here by the way. I really thought winter was overall pretty amazing.

Eventually with no more hope of snow and a string of way too many days in the 40s, I was ready for summer.

What I wasn’t expecting was spring. Which, as I implied, was pretty much a throw-away season in the south. But here, it’s meant the smallest daintiest of leaves I’ve ever seen. Tulips on top of tulips on top of tulips (aka my favorite flowers). And then the blooms of all sorts of flowers from the bushes to the tree tops. All sorts of colors, shapes, and smells.

In the course of experiencing spring, I’ve also begun thinking about my own renewal. Whether I’ve been taking good enough care of myself, of my little family, of my relationships with others. And, I’d say in most all cases I’ve been kind of not taking terribly good care of anyone or anything.

Since my birthday, I’ve decided to have Birthday resolutions (seeing as how I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions). Among other things, I’ve resolved to drink more water and take my vitamins. (This is actually much harder than you’d think). I’ve also begun being more conscious of how I speak to PC, the support I give him, and the appreciation I have for the things he does do for me (I still make task lists so we can track what still needs to be done). I also want to get to a better place financially – better budgeting, more conscientious of where the money goes, greater awareness into retirement and savings – which admittedly stems in part from my living in Dream State in which the cost of living is significantly higher than what we’re used to and in part due to all the really cool things there are to do here.

All in all, it’s time for a rebirth of sorts – much like I had hoped for when starting fresh here for blogging.